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#366 - happy and sad
12.23.04 @ 9:29 pm

My emotions have been all over the place for the last 24 hours. I've been trying to figure out why, and was blaming it mostly on my husband's bad mood, but I think now it's my own fault: I forgot my Celexa for 3 days in a row. Oops. I'm such a dumb ass sometimes.

DW has been having a hard time this holiday season being happy, because so much shit is going on in their lives right now to keep them ground down. And I was just lost for words when we were chatting this morning, because there was nothing I could say to bring her back up. I ended up asking Husband about it later, if it makes him angry that he is not enough to make me happy. His love, affection, humor. Sometimes, there is just no breaking through. What must that be like? I have a feeling I'm getting to know. I'm getting schooled pretty thoroughly, and I *hate* it. What happened to walking into a room and everyone just lights up with joy at the site of me. *sigh*

Once again, I am obsessing on wanting to fix my girl, and frustrated that there's absolutely nothing I can do to succeed at such a ridiculous task. So I'm sitting on my hands and biting my lips in an attempt to not even start.

I think it would be easier if we could see each other more often, but there is no remedy for that any time soon, so we cope with what we're given.

I am lonely. I want something, and I don't know what it is. Company. Affection. I'm feeling very closed off from people right now. I'm pretty sure it's the lack of medication in my system, dammit.

I did want to mention an oddity. I don't know what it means for me physically, but mentally I am just relieved. For about a week there, I was really starting to worry about how much DH was on my mind. I would think about him at work and lose all train of thought thinking about his fucking dick. I couldn't seem to get a real grip on myself for a few days, and I was freaking out. Then it kind of went away. And when I drove up to visit them on Monday, it was completely gone. I walked into the room and felt nothing. Looked at him and felt nothing. The only thing I can figure, and I had been suspecting, was that I was having one of the most intense ovulations of my life.

Over the past few years, I've noticed a tendency to be horny right around ovulation, and then again right before my period. I can't recall ever being this horny, and especially not for days on end, but it did coincide directly with my ovulation. So, what that means for me (is my clock running down? speeding up? giving up? kicking in?) is up in the air, and I'm not going to stress about it. But mentally, I am soooooo fucking relieved. Truly.

Maybe I can stop worrying about how this is going to all play out, and just sit back and relax and let it happen. I'm crossing some fingers and toes, let me tell ya.

Did I mention how much I love this girl? There is no single thing about her. I couldn't even make a list and narrow it down to a dozen things. It's every last thing about her, and that's a really long list. Right now, more than anything, I am just happy that she's in my life.

Sexual fantasies are nice to finally live out. Sexual gratification, stimulation, lust, desire. Yep, I'm a big, big fan. But this girl, she is so much more than that. She has touched my heart and soul. We have created a bond that I think could last a lifetime. I love her.

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