<< - >>

#367 - creative self-editing
02.13.05 @ 12:09 am

It has been a tough week, watching my plans with DW & DH go down the tubes.

I told myself the other day that I could start writing in here again if I pretended that DW would not find this site. Because the likelihood of her finding it is small. She would have to think to Google this alias, which I innocently thought would not come back to haunt me when I used it to place my on-line sex ad. Oops. Anyway, I pretend to myself like my husband doesn't know about this site, so I can pretend that my girlfriend won't find it, right?

Except now that I want to talk here again, I have to consider the possibility that her husband will somehow stumble across the sight. Fuck.

I will not lie. And I will not hide. But, once again, the full truth must be edited in a new area of my life. I hate that shit.

Why? Why do I have to self-edit? Because I believe that my girlfriend is in an abusive relationship. He does not hit her, that I know of. There are two sides to every story. He has never gone beyond just being grumpy in my presence. Still. I grew up in a household surrounded by verbal and emotional abuse, with a light sprinkling of physical and sexual abuse. Shit stinks in their household. I just haven't found evidence of the steaming turd yet.

So, yah. Creative self-editing.

I will tell you this, I'm tired as all fuck of the man standing us up. I am over-the-moon for his wife. My husband and I enjoy her company. DH has been civil, and on occassion even fun to be around. So I will put up with a lot to keep my girl in my life. But as I see myself go down on my knees for time with her, I can see myself from afar wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. My pride is in shreds. My pride has never really been much company to me though. And when love is involved, I'm always willing to go the distance, even if glass shards are all over the fucking floor I'm traveling. Because love is the only thing in this life worth living for. It's my reward for sticking this shit out. Always has been, always will be.

But this man is dragging my husband through his bullshit with us. DW loves him and loves me. She wants a happy husband and a happy girlfriend. So she wants us all to get together. My husband feels the same way. But it is getting on his last nerve to make plans that revolve around another man's emotions and schedule, to make the women happy, only to be consistently shit on when the man changes his mind.

Male pride is a bizarre concept for a woman to grasp. Alien even. Stubborn and stupid and mislaid and pig-headed and egomaniacal. But I love my man, and I will do what I can not to see his pride hurt. And watching him deal with stress from work 24/7 to keep us safe and happy and comfy, the last thing I want is for him to shelve that for a social event that gets cancelled at the last minute. Cancelled by another man. What can be worse to male pride than a man standing up another man? And how bad must it be for him, when it's getting a bit hard for me to bare myself, and I don't really give a shit about my pride?

So, yah, downward spiral of a week, leading into the anti-climax of a resounding "No, we're not coming."

I understand the man has issues. Reasons. Most of them emotional. I know all about conflicting emotions. I've never lost a job, but my self-worth has never been very high, so I understand about feeling low about yourself. I rocked everyone's world by fessing up that feelings for him had started brewing in me, because I'm a fucking idiot who constantly has to be honest with everyone. But Jesus H. Christ, if I can face my husband and my girlfriend, take their suggestions (and a few demands) on how to act/not-act in the future, I think he can step up to the plate and meet us halfway and see if we can all be friends afterall.

But who am I kidding? We're boring. We're too far away. We're too expensive. I'm too much of a head trip. So, yah, I've received the message loud and clear: we're not going to be friends. I'm just the woman his wife talks to, cuddles with, and occassionally fucks. Fine, I can live with that. I thought it would be nice to do couple stuff with someone again, but I guess my girl's happiness and my ego aren't worth finding out if that's still possible. And to top it all off, he won't even come down just for a fuck.

So, yah. Tough fucking weekend. And this is the fucking edited version.

I can't wait until my girl stumbles across this shitty rant and dumps my ass.

It's a rant, Baby. Just because your husband is worrying at my last nerve, it doesn't mean that I'm going to disappear on you. I want you in my life forever, no matter what, no matter how. Relationships are hard, and life is hard. You happen to be going through a whole lot of shit right now. And friends are the people who stick around when the shit is flying, no matter how deep it gets. And Baby, I've never been so happy while the shit's been piling up. Never. In the middle of all this, all I have to do is see you smile, and I know it's all worth it. And if I don't see you smile, I'll do my best to make you smile. Coz you're my girl, I love you, and I got your back.

But while your man's got a wonderful cock I still fantasize about, if it got near me today I would chop it off rather than suck it. And I *love* to suck cock. So that boy better start doing some ass-kissing. Quick.

last - next