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#365 - intense attachments quite quickly
12.18.04 @ 7:35 am

This relationship between the four of us is even more complicated when you consider we have separate households in cities 1.5 hours away from each other. We have each had our bad news over the past few weeks, and not been able to be there for each other. Earlier this week, DW & DH were having a serious crisis when DH was fired, and I just had to sit here and wonder how they were going to sort it out without me. Right now, DW is just dealing with the news that she is diabetic and may have passed it on to her younger son already. And I can't be there to hug and comfort her.

I am upset that she was short with me yesterday and I haven't heard from her since, but I told Husband that I think the thing I'm most upset about is that I want to somehow fix her situation for her, and being unable to even console her properly is driving me insane. To feel this close to someone, and have them be so far away and making life decisions without you is very, very strange.

I remember how in the beginning of previous relationships, there was this long period where every argument or bad experience had me convinced I was about to get dumped. And I'm feeling that way now. Even though I know I've done nothing wrong and she still loves me. I hate this feeling. The thought that it took getting married to assure me that every fight wasn't going to be the end of my relationship with Husband is something I'm trying to keep out of my head.

I'm older and wiser, right? And I trust her so easily. Why is it so hard to trust in my place in her life? Natural. This is all natural. It's a new relationship. Calm down.

My shrink told me to remember that I tend to form intense attachments quite quickly. I went, "Well, duh" in my head. But now I keep repeating her voice in my head, as I try to remember to take things slow. Things became physical very quickly. Love came very quickly. But commitment and a high-level of trust will take time.

DW is so incredibly wonderful and beautiful. She says I make her feel like a goddess. One look at her, and I know she's a goddess. She is irresistable, from her creamy soft skin, to her large green eyes. She always smells and tastes divine. She consoles and ensures me with just a look. I don't like being near her and not having my skin on hers. If I could go through life with my arms wrapped around her, I would be the happiest person alive. And on top of all that, she is so smart and funny and amusing and gentle and affectionate. I find peace in her eyes.

If there was ever a time that I doubted my theory of pheremones, I have the convincer, and his name is DH. As soon as I am in the same room with him, my skin begins to heat up and prickle. The closer I get to him, the more I feel like I'm vibrating and I could explode from not touching him. I am always aware of where exactly he is in the house, and try not to be obvious by avoiding looking at him entirely. He smells and tastes delicious, his skin sets me on fire while calming my vibrations, and his eyes make my heart drop into my stomach. And yet, I don't know him. Not really. I don't love him. I don't know if I ever can, because he is so reserved. I don't know what happened to the chatty man I met that first night. He has been civil and even kind and affectionate. But he has also been reserved, cold, foul-tempered and distant.

Husband is a wonder. I cannot look into his eyes without feeling this knowledge of my place in the universe. I know I'm supposed to be with him for all of my life. I want him by my side, holding me, helping me, supporting me. From advice to sex to soothing my hurts, he does it all and more. And he is as funny as hell. He is so kind and generous and amusing and devoted and trusting.

I have already stomped on his toes in the bedroom during our foursome, and that bothers me. There hasn't been a "next-time" to try out the lessons I've learned on what to do and what not to do, so I am anxious in all senses of the words for our next encounter.

I have let DW have her way with my husband, and him with her. And all I felt was happiness and enjoyment and lust. It was incredible watching her do things to him that I don't have a good angle to watch his reaction to. And watching him do things to her helped inspire images of what he truly looks like when he is doing things to me. Adding the sensuality of another man arousing me while this is going on, and suddenly I am convinced my problems with orgasm must be some sort of chemical imbalance.

DW has pointed out that watching each others interractions, and learning how to touch each other, has helped us learn about our own husbands. Odd that we could each be married for 6 years (only 4 months difference), and still have so much to learn about our relationships with our husbands.

I may or may not be updating here more regularly, as it's next to impossible to discuss these subjects at my domain. I want to shout out to the world how happy I am, how in love I am, and my domain would be the perfect place to do it. But knowing my Husband's family knows all about my site and sometimes visits makes that a big no-no. They would never understand what it all meant. And even if I could sit down and explain it with the most liberal-minded, I wouldn't want to. Which is why I haven't said anything at work.

There are some people there who know that I'm bisexual. But I haven't figured out how to tell them about this new development. Because I don't want to go into details, but the second that you say "I have a girlfriend and yes, my husband is ok about it," details are exactly what's going to be demanded of me. I tell myself that these people don't need to know. But that's not really the point. The point is I'm sick and tired of my social masks. Tired of pretending to be someone who I'm not. I've been trying to let down my guard at my domain in an attempt to show the world who I really am. And now I've got one more secret I don't know how to share.

I can't wait to tell my sister though. Heather has been awesome, but it's my sister I can't wait to share the news with for some reason. I guess I'm just excited to have something to bond with a family member about.

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