<< - >>

#360 - family rears its ugly heads
07.28.04 @ 11:18 pm

My father called out of the blue on Sunday, leaving a message on my machine. Saying he hoped I would call him back, he just wanted to talk. He told me he loved me.

I was upset the rest of the day. Especially when the next message on my machine was from my brother saying he had not given Dad my phone number.

I have a tendency not to call them back when they leave me messages. I did not call back my brother. I sure as hell wasn't going to call back my dad. My brother left 2 more messages before calling this evening while I was home and I picked up.

I told him I would not buy him something off the internet. I told him I was upset he gave my number to dad. He said he didn't, just dialed the number and handed the phone off to him. Hmph. I said ok. Asked him how he was, he said the weight-loss drug his Doc had put him on was deteriorating his mental state. Anything making his mental state worse is BAD. I told him to stop taking it. He came back all responsible, said he would after he talked to his doctor. He has a point.

I don't want to talk to them. I just don't.

Eerily enough, an old friend of Husband's called, told me he'd seen my sister yesterday. When he asked how old my baby brother was, I about dropped the phone. I think my brother graduated from high school and no one told me.

So what do I do? Call and yell that no one called me? When I don't return their messages?

I am in the wrong. They are in the wrong. They call when something is wrong. They don't call on my birthday. They leave weird messages on my machine, sometimes invite me to holiday gatherings. Sometimes I attend them. But no one ever mentioned my brother graduating. But I'm pretty sure this was his Senior Year gone past.

Fuck.

The last thing in the world I want to do is call. It's official, I've got a mental block. Just like when I think I need to call and make the appointment to have my wisdom teeth pulled. I've been needing to make that call for 2 years now, and it hasn't happened.

I think I'm happier when I don't talk to or think about them. Because since the calls on Sunday, I've dreamed about my parents and Hawaii for the first time in ages.

But I'm not happy. And not dealing with this is probably one of the reasons.

But how long can I fight to deal, before just giving up and trying to put it behind me? I just don't know what else to do. So many sessions in therapy about my family, and the only real headway that was made was not to feel guilty about shutting them out of my life.

Fat chance if I've missed my baby brother's graduation.

last - next