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strawburygrl feels
strawburygrl feels
do you ever just want to lay your head down on your desk and weep for no reason? stick your fingers in your ears and go "nonononono"?
I laid in bed today and fought and fought with myself. Just to get out of bed and get ready for work. My mind was screaming "nonononono", while the still-sane part kept saying, "come on, just get up and into the shower. you'll feel better."
I'm not sure what's worse: being insane, or only half insane. Because half insane, and the two halves fight it out in my head over what's "best".
What is so wrong with just wanting to lie in bed for the rest of the day? I guess maybe the part about really wanting to lie in bed for the rest of my days. All of them.
My mother spent most of my childhood laying on her bed reading Sci-Fi books. For most of my adult life, that scared me, or rather, the idea I could become that person scared me. Now, it's not seeming so bad. In fact, it's about all I want to do.
Except for that annoying sane-voice in my head telling me to get up and go to work.
I know the things that I can do to help this and I... I just don't even want to bother.
I guess I like my misery. I like having a reason to want to lay in that bed all day.
I am fucked in the head. There. Can I stay home now?
It would be such a relief to lose it 100%, and not CARE that I have to call in sick with some excuse. to have to pretend everything's fine, and it's just a stomach bug. Just a migraine. Just something I ate. Just the flu.
Why can't I just lay in my fucking bed all fucking day, and maybe tomorrow too? And not have to tell anyone a goddam fucking thing?
Why can't I be crazy, or not crazy, instead of this maddening in-between? So fed-up I want to just collapse and weep, and the internal fight to keep me on my feet that just makes me that much more tired, desiring the collapse all the more?
