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#359 - just me n my celexa
07.22.04 @ 9:43 pm

Today I took my first dose of Celexa in about two months. The last time I had my prescription for it filled was not a pleasant day. I remember having a bad day, and then when I found out my prescription coverage had changed and I had no choice but to pay $30 a month for it, I flipped out. Later, I realized that it's not that big of a problem. I can afford that. I don't like it, but I can afford it. It's just one more reason not to spend my money any-which-way.

But I didn't go back and have it refilled when it ran out. I was in no hurry to deal with the pharmacy, my insurance, or the cost. Days turned into weeks. I actually tried to fill it last week, but that pharmacy and my insurance company have now used my last nerve. I've just delete the long story. It's too boring and pointless to put down here.

Today, I finally have my drugs in my system. And I'm hoping maybe something will change, but I doubt it. I've been questioning the effectivness for some time now. I don't think going back on after two months off will change anything, but I'm feeling a little nervous about my mental state, so we'll see.

I think maybe my dissatisfaction with parts of my life has seeped into other areas. Because for the most part I'm happy. I have a husband and a house and a car and a job. My debt would be miniscule (read: 2 student loans) if I would stop slurging on crap and putting it on my CC.

But, something's missing from my life. Or maybe multiple somethings. It used to be enough that my husband was the only thing in my life that made me happy. But I think the parts that I'm dissatisfied with are taking over. I want a better job. I want more money. I'm tired of getting jacked by my health insurance coverage. I want more friends. I want to be less sick. I want to have less pain. I want less stress. I want to start a family. I want this house to stop feeling like it was a mistake to buy it.

That's the only explanation: it's been too long with the same old crap. Because my husband isn't enough anymore. I'm not feeling the bliss when I look at him. And our sex life has taken a nose dive.

In fact, we've had the Conversation. The "what the fuck is wrong with you" conversation. Of course, he's my sweetie and he loves me and I know that and those words were never spoken. Except, of course, in my head. Because there is something wrong with me. My libido is near zero lately. In fact, when the conversation came up, I kind of felt like an owl blinking at sudden light. What, people still have sex at our age? When they've been together this long?

Oh, yah. Something is definitely wrong. I'm 31, not 71. Yikes.

So we're working on it. Mostly, it involves me not "wasting" moments that my libido kicks in. Because so much of our sex lives is sabotaged by our selfish laziness. Can you believe that? We spend so much time in our respective corners of the house, when the mood strikes me it seems like too much work to go to him. And my moments pass quickly these days. And all of a sudden it's been weeks since we've had sex.

So I'm trying. Because for me, the best aphrodisiac is just to have more sex. Keep it in a cycle. And get off my ass when the spirit moves me. And work to get that spirit moved, dammit.

I know relationships and love and a healthy sex life require work, but it shouldn't require work to remember about sex. To remember the idea that sex is something I enjoy. I'm afraid that the only reason why it's popping into my head these days is because I can't shake The Conversation, not because my libido has increased.

Sounds like depression to me. Yep. Especially considering the libido was in the toilet earlier this year when I was still on drugs. And didn't increase during these two months. The problem was merely pointed out during this time.

We'll see what the next couple of weeks are like. Maybe I need better drugs. Maybe I need more than just an antidepressant. Maybe there's one more reason to get off my ass and go to the gym.

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