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#345 - How to cope with my own beauty, or lack there of
08.20.03 @ 10:23 pm

The odd thing about an epiphany is that no matter how brilliant, how significant it may seem, they feel so obvious to you once you have them that you feel like a moron for not coming to such a simple conclusion sooner.

I've kept this diary around for sometime now, for various reasons. Yet, more and more, I feel stifled in real life because of the freedom I have here. I have wanted to put my real name on this diary in some attempt to alleviate this feeling. Or post a link to this diary on my domain. Part of the problem simply is my domain. I feel torn between updating here or there. I like my entries here so much more than the silly, skin-deep posts I put on my domain. I have become more opinionated there, but always feel more myself here.

I think I've figured out a large part of the "why" to this. Sure, this anonymous diary allows me to vent about the people I know without them ever finding out. But how often do I do that? No, it's the sex that keeps me coming back here. And it doesn't even have to be overt. It's just the *possibility* that sex may pop into my brain while writing an entry, and I can say whatever I want about it, with as much detail as I like. Only here.

I was asking myself why this is. Why is sex such a large deal in my life, that I want to be able to talk about it 24/7, but not want anyone to know that it's me doing the talking.

Do I secretly think that sex is dirty? Maybe. For all my claims to be open about sexuality, to want society to be free to talk about it with whomever they want, however they want, as often as they want. For in-depth and smart sex education to be mandatory in schools, but unnecessary because parents are actually doing a great job of handling it at home. For homosexuality and fetishism and extreme sex to be just another quirk about the guy next door that has nothing to do with you, so who cares if and when and how he's doing it?

Maybe I'm a little bit scared of sex afterall. A little embarrassed. A little shamed.

But there's something else. Something more obvious. So fucking glaringly obvious. The elusive epiphany, that I should have seen a mile away.

I think I'm ugly. I think that people would be revolted, turned-off, annoyed, shocked, mystified, or confused to find out that I'm a sexual being. That I enjoy sex. That I relish sex. That my favorite thing in the world is reading and writing and investigating sex.

I've never fully described myself here. Never posted a picture. Only ever given small hints.

Because I don't want to nauseate you. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want anyone who comes here to whack off to suddenly find themselves revolted by the thought that they have been whacking off to the words of such a hideous person.

I don't really think I'm ugly or hideous. I think I'm more plain. Ordinary. Shit you not, when I swear in front of people, they do a double take. Because I look naive. Innocent. Simple.

And I've got some pounds on me.

I would not want to have sex with me. I can't imagine why anyone else would.

So the idea of me having sex somewhat revolts myself.

Somehow, I think less of someone who finds me attractive. Despite also thinking they are a miracle, heaven sent, for finding me attractive. I am relieved, happy, thankful. And yet mystified and befuddled.

I think I look better in clothing. I think I actually look pretty with make up on. I don't like to be naked in front of people because I can't hide my flaws. And yet, I go around never wearing make up. I don't shave very often. I think it's offensive that men demand women shave their legs and armpits to look attractive. I shave my legs before wearing a short skirt or short. I trim my armpit hair every month or so. There is no such thing as shaving clean under my arms - the closest I can get gives me a horrible burn and causes me to itch for days. And what is the deal with women having little to no pubic hair? I admit, I look better with a trimmed bush. Now ask me how often I bother. Never mind, you don't really want to know.

I am a mess of contradictions. I've always known that. It's been made glaringly obvious since I started this diary. But now here's another set of contradictions to consider, ponder, deal with.

How to cope with my own beauty, or lack there of.

If I can cope, will I start talking about sex on my domain? I don't know. I've linked to my erotic fiction there, which is a start. But heaven forbid I ever talk about myself having sex.

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