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#346 - anti anti-social
09.02.03 @ 10:18 pm

We had our housewarming BBQ on Saturday, and it was a great event. It was so nice to have so many people here who like us. I've never been so happy and comfortable at a party before. Apparently, the trick is to throw the party yourself.

The place was all cleaned up. Kitty was at the "cattery". Husband's ex-boss came over and did the BBQing for us. It was so good to see him. I think separating from his wife has mellowed him. He was so sweet to her when she was here. We're all pulling for them to get back together. It's so obvious they should be together, only she doesn't have her head on straight. Doesn't she know that's what therapy's for? And drugs. Drugs are good.

The big news is that my ex-best friend from high school showed up, SM. After so many years of silence from her, she emailed me a few years ago when she came across my domain. She pings me every once in a while. I always answer, but haven't felt like I could trust her. I haven't felt like meeting her. She almost always asks in each email if we can meet. In fact, it was starting to feel like she was a stalker or something. She wouldn't be demanding or rude or mean. Just persistent. She never acknowledged the fact that I wasn't acknowledging her requests.

But about 2 months ago or so, it seemed like she'd had enough or something. Her email sounded a bit like an ultimatum. I can't remember it now. I just remember that I didn't answer her at all, and she never wrote back.

So it was just a whim that I put her on the guest list to get an evite for the party. And I was about ready to write her off, when she finally RSVP'd about a week and a half before the party.

She brought her husband and their friend, a lovely, flaming cutie-pie of a man I'll call E. She also brought a present: a pricey-looking set of ritual candles from Illuminations. They smell wonderful. I'm burning one right now.

She was so fucking skinny. Are breasts mostly fat? It's weird, because we were roughly the same height and weight in high school, and now she's super-slender and has small boobs. She looked amazing. It was hard to tell she was the same person. But her mannerisms kept popping up at various times during the day.

They stayed for quite a while. I don't understand her sincerity. Her tenacity. I don't understand why this is important to her. But it seems to be. I found myself wanting to spend time with her, so we could talk. In the end, I kept going back to be near her, but didn't know what to say, so I would talk to other people.

We did talk though. But mostly as a big group. We talked about Evergreen. It's strange to me that she stuck out all her 4 years there, and thus met her husband and this friend there. Weird that these people could have been in my life if she hadn't booted me out of hers.

I brought up RH, my first boyfriend, wondering if maybe she'd been in contact with him more recently. I told her he "dissed" me, not responding to the email I'd sent him after we exchanged emails at a chance encounter in 2000. Then this whirlwind of conversation happened.

E. blurted out "is that the one that was really freaked out when I met him?"

SM responded "well, when he came out he was meeting guys by corresponding with men in prison."

Stupid pronouns. I was confused, but it got sorted out. Yes, the guy I lost my virginity to is now gay. Yes, he once wrote to men in prison. No, SM does not know where he is now, but he was very white trash and dead-end the last time she saw him. Something about sharing a crappy apartment with his mother and spending lots of money he didn't have and then declaring bankruptcy.

So much information to digest. Mostly, I was just befuddled that this guy E. was privy to so many things that affected me. It made me wonder how much SM had told him about me. I wondered why exactly she'd brought him to this party.

SM has always been obvious in her set-ups. She's too excited at her own brilliance. She likes to just blurt stuff out like it just occurred to her. But with so much enthusiasm, she's more often than not kind of shouting, with a big grin on her face. She even jumps up and down and will pull on your arm. Because she thinks it's such a great idea. True, some of these things come to her at the spur of the moment, but she acts the same way when she's been planning and plotting to spring something on you as well.

So when she blurted out in the middle of a conversation, "You should volunteer in E's class," I should have guessed.

But I didn't have time to even figure out what she'd said.

E. immediately said. "Yes, you must." Puts out hands of calm/warning. "Just a visit though."

"He teaches 4th grade. She can volunteer, right?"

"Or just visit, yes."

Ummmmmmmmm. I mumble that I don't know what I want to do with my life. Meaning, I haven't had a chance to really soul-search about what I'm going to pursue next. This mumbling is waved away. "Just a visit."

Um, yahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Such a set up. Forget the fact that this guy is so amazing, so easy to get to know and talk with and feel comfortable with. I don't know him. At all. I didn't know he was a teacher for crying out loud, and suddenly I'm being escorted into visiting his class?

Why?

Such a set up.

So, once again, I wonder to myself, what on earth does SM want with me? What is so important to her about being in my life again?

I desperately want a friend in my life again. I just emailed Heather that I miss her and wish she'd been able to come. But that's all we do. Email. We've seen each other twice in the past year. Which is good. But not good enough for someone you wish would be your best friend.

This lovely girl, who is really a woman, but is so small and petite and young looking, I think of her as a girl in my head - she is fantastic. Sweet. An ex-co-worker of husband. I adore her. But I don't know how to take a friendship to the next level. I feel like it requires sharing secrets, and I don't know how to share secrets with her. I'm afraid she'll be shocked. And quite possibly wouldn't understand. She is so sweet and proper, from Singapore. I worry that I would warp her mind if she knew my secrets.

But at the party she said something about husband. About husband being ready to have a baby. Something he'd said to her. I grabbed her arm and kind of pushed her out of the room so we could whisper furiously in the kitchen. Husband, stop reading this. I don't want to get her in trouble.

But she thinks certain things Husband said when we were last at their home were very indicative to him being ready to have a baby. And pointing out that our spare bedroom would be the nursery added to her surety.

We giggled. I made wishful moaning sounds. Her baby was there, and he is so damned adorable, as was the other infant there. Despite my not-readiness, I'm so ready.

So I'd like this girl to be my friend. I'd like to have her and her husband and baby around. Often. We could do coupley things together even. Or just play games like we do when we go over to JP & SL's. I told her that she and her husband need to invite themselves over, because Husband and I are so anti-social, it doesn't even occur to us to call people up and have them over.

And I would like SM to be my friend. I think I may be crazy. I don't understand her. I don't know what kind of ulterior motives or wishes for my life she may have. But we were best friends once. I don't know if I can ever trust her like that again. But it would be nice to have someone to do things with.

I really wish Heather would move to Seattle. Of course, that's not going to happen. She has her life there. Friends and family. Her job is the type that she could get elsewhere, but she likes it. And her man just got certified as a chiropractor in Oregon, so he's not going to want to go through all that again. I can't believe he did that just to be with her. Well, I know her, so I can believe it. But it's still crazy. He was certified in CA, and there isn't a national certification, or some weirdness, so he had to do all this stuff to get certified to do the same shit in Oregon. Poor guy. It took him about a year. A year playing waiter, when he could have been in CA raking in the bucks as a chiropractor instead. Dedication.

So, I'm rambling, yes.

Mostly, the thing in my life that's missing is friends. I realize that I have them. I would just like to be closer to someone. It bothers me that still, despite loving JP, I feel this horrible, irrational fear of her. I don't know why I can't seem to trust her anymore. I have evidence, hard evidence, that she loves her husband, feels nothing for my husband. And yet I grit my teeth every time husband goes off to work out with her. I drive myself bonkers with my own paranoid feelings.

But speaking of friends and being able to open up, the party winded down too quickly. No one got drunk! I couldn't believe it! Husband's sister was the last to go. We sat up and chatted for about two hours, just the two of us. I could tell she just needed someone to talk to.

She must be so lonely now that her step-daughter is back in Reno. Her husband's in the Middle East. She feels she gave so much to this girl, and now that she's back with her mother, she's reverted back to her old ways just like that.

After quite awhile of her just talking to me, we were able to talk to each other and have real conversations. It was really nice. I was reminded of that day at Wild Waves when we held hands going on the Lazy River rafting ride, and how nice it was. It felt like that. It felt really nice just to have someone to trust and talk with.

I spoke a little bit about my family, about how her step-daughter's mother reminds me more and more of my own father the more I hear about this woman. I think that helped her, to know that there are those of us out there that can survive that kind of abuse. She knows friends who have.

I think she left feeling better about things than when she arrived that day. At least I hope so. I told her I think she's just amazing for everything she's done for her step-daughters. She really blows my mind. She cried and said she hopes her step-daughter appreciates it. Big hug to sister-in-law. I wish I could do more. I hope the hug and the talking were enough for now.

So, yah, big weekend for being social. It was so nice. I want to do it again. Just not with so much spending on food.

I've emailed SM and said we should finally get together. I think I'll email that other girl I mentioned, the one from Singapore. I will have to come up with something to call her here I suppose. I guess SK. All these initials are getting confusing though. But I don't think I've doubled any, so if I just think about it, they should make sense. At least to me! Sorry to all you's reading this and wondering who the fuck I'm talking about NOW.

On a final note, I am thinking about what I want to be doing next. I think I want to write. I think I need to think about it more though.

ps: no, I'm not freaked out that my ex-boyfriend is gay. I'd pretty much figured that "The Most Homophobic Person I've Ever Met" would have to come out of the closet sooner or later. But damn, if that wasn't a loss for our side. He certainly never left me wanting. Unless you count wanting him again and again. I've thought about recounting a time or two between us here, but it just doesn't feel right since Husband reads this every now and then. Too bad. He was hot.

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