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#318 - I'm sighing alot lately
03/02/03 @ 5:25 pm

*sigh* I'm sighing alot lately. That was actually a happy sigh for once. Things move in circles sometimes.

I'm making no sense. Sorry. I haven't updated in so very long. Been so damned busy with school and work and househunting and sickenss.

I was so amazingly sick last week. Slept most of the time. Now it's getting better, but I have really low energy, and even less breath. My lungs are fighting very hard to keep me from getting pneumonia. Because this isn't pneumonia, is it? Shouldn't I still be flat in bed then?

Anyway, it's hard to breath. Reminds me of 2 years ago when I started this diary. I went to the hospital only minutes after R. told me to fuck off. Hah. Good times!

Hehe. Actually, I'm in a pretty good mood. Read some old D-land buddies. How did I miss the fact that Proofrok was diagnosed with MS? And Gwenllian is drawing ever closer to having another baby. They sound just as tormented as when last I left them. Sometimes I want to smack them both and make them look at the good they both have. But I know they know it's there. I know what it's like keeping a diary. The good can be made to look insignificant after you've vomitted out all the bad crap going on in your life for the daily update. So I read between their lines and know that they still love each other and all is still right with the world. Yay.

And 3 strangers added me to their favorites. WTF? I haven't updated in like 2-3 months!!! They must like old porn...

Blargh. I've been playing around with a new layout for my website while I've been sick this week. I currently have something very cute and not very adult. I'd like something more adult and just a teeny bit cute. Bettie Page is fitting the bill quite nicely. Never thought I'd willingly elect for pink in a layout until now. Weird.

So, once again, I am having the diary debate with myself. Why do I have these 2 websites? One personal, one uber-personal and secretive? It divides my time, and in the end I get sick of both of them. Bah. I want a place where I can be myself and be known for being me. I hate secrets.

So, y'know, I'm thinking of blogging at my domain now. But I was reading Proofrok, and I'm like no fucking way! I don't know if I would ever be able to come up with any content if I couldn't slam co-workers and tell shit like it really is. Rage about depression and confusion and my health (lack-there-of). I thought, maybe if I just added a little sexy comment now and then, that would be risque enough. But this diary isn't about being risque. It's about being free to be me. Every bit of me.

Except for my name.

And that bites deep. Maybe just because I have such a personal relationship with my name. But I also think it's because I don't like the secrets. I don't do very well when I keep secrets. They grow and mess with my head. I lose touch with reality.

Bah. Fuck it.

Oddly enough, someone came very close to finding me out. Weird. Drowning Hazel was googling himself or somesuch, and found one of my entries that mentioned him. And he thanked me in my guestbook. Sweet, but there was a wee moment of terror, let me tell you. Because we've conversed, albeit briefly, about his music via email, and also on the Seattle Goth chatboard.

But then I smacked myself on the forehead and told myself to get over it. If the boy is as good at stalking me as I imagine in my paranoid delusions, so what?

At least he knows I really did like his music and wasn't just blowing smoke up his ass.

I am in the strangest of moods. Sickness does this too me.

Anyway. Anyway. Yep, I'm sick. Completely lost my train of thought.

I may be back soon to bitch about something. I may take a few months. But the Strawbury One never really abandons her flock.

ps: we bought a house. that's probably the first thing I'm going to bitch about next time. We're currently in the inspection days of getting the deal all finished. The inspection did not go well. We're going through with this for reasons I can't figure out. The house is going to be cheaper to fix than we thought, but the new things we had no clue of before the inspection just leave a bad taste in my mouth.

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