Here are some quick notes that I wrote down a few weeks ago for an entry when I was sick.

� toilet paper is not a good substitute for facial tissue when you have a stuffy/runny nose

� why the fuck is it possible to have a stuffed up nose and a runny one AT THE SAME TIME??????

� Heather has not emailed me for 3 weeks, and since it was her turn to email me, I have not emailed her either; I may be a poop-head, but she was a poop-head FIRST

� gossiping is a sin punishable by FIRING at my daycare, and people gossip ALL THE TIME

� I was told not to dress in jeans at the daycare, but one woman does so religiously, and another wears shorts!!!

� So far, I really don't like the way the directors handle staff hirings and firings. The specifics of my job future are still very much up in the air, and I have known for 2 weeks now that another teacher is about to be fired and SHE DOESN'T.

� A student in my small-group flat-out lied to the instructor about sharing with our group and completing her assignment. I have no idea what I was supposed to do.

� I hate phlegm

� I'm finding it impossible to eat healthy. I'm finding it difficult to eat 3 meals a day PERIOD. So I snack. Often. On easy-to-aquire foods. Mainly chips. And small Chef Boyardee microwavable bowls, because they're about the only thing that will keep and be ready when I need them in an emergency. Carrot sticks don't work that way. *sigh* I'm thinking of getting apple sauce bowls. Now ask me when I will next have time to go to the grocery store.

Here's an entry I wrote sometime last week or early this week.

Hmm. I don't feel like working today. I'm in a good mood for once. I think I'm a little high on energy as well, which is VERY odd indeed. I just hid behind a corner and shot my finger-gun at someone. Very odd for work. Hmm... Anyway, I always used to waste work time writing entries, and it's been so long since I've updated that I can't even REMEMBER when that was, so why not?

It's not that I haven't wanted to. I have. I've even been wondering how I would start them off. There's so much to update. I just never have ANY TIME. My life is insanely busy. I went from working 25 hours a week and the rest as free time, to working about 37 hours a week, with 7 hours a week going to night classes. I get home around 9:30pm 3 days a week. And this is AFTER I dropped a class. I dropped the class because I was finding a hard time fitting in MEALS.

So, um, yah. I have 2 jobs now. Did I mention that my college program requires me to be working in a day care? Minimum 2.5 hours a day, 3 days a week. Now ask yourself who wants someone to work those kinds of hours? Noone. So I am working 20 hours at a daycare, and around 17 or so at my old job. I haven't seen my first paycheck from the old job with these cutback hours, but I have a suspicion that I am now working more total hours for less total pay. Which is *not* good. I was finally at a comfy level of pay. *sigh*

Anyway, there has been much drama with this new schedule. Like, first week of college was my first week at the daycare. Day 2 of this new schedule, I came down with a lovely cold/sickness/flu-ickiness. It hung around for a good 2 weeks or so. Just finally shook it off last week. I'm assuming these sniffles are with me until Spring. I have sniffles 24/7 during Fall/Winter. And allergies all Spring/Summer/Fall, which equals more sniffles. Fun, no?

And I am thinking REALLY GOOD THOUGHTS right now at my immune system, because I keep drinking water and my throat is still feeling dry and itchy and my nose feels more stuffy than usual. Which is how I felt 3 weeks ago the night I came down with the ickiness. *sigh*

Other drama. I don't so much like the woman who runs my daycare. She bugs me. I get the impression that she is a not-so-nice person, who covers everything up by being very... pleasant voiced and smiley. Got this impression when we were discussing my hiring and I wanted to cut 2 hours from my schedule and she refused. I hate people who try and use happy-voice when they're telling you no. She does it alot.

So I was at college, meeting lots of interesting people in this field, and someone told a horror story about a daycare he used to work at. Where he was with toddlers who needed diapering. And he was forced to take all 6 or 7 of them to the bathroom at one time. Which in and of itself was against code, apparently, numberwise. Well, once you put the baby up on the changing table, you can't leave until the baby is down on his own feet again. These toddlers would decide to run out of the room together once the teacher had 1 baby up on the table. Leaving him the option of ignoring them or quickly putting something on the baby to carry him with him as he goes to run after the stray kids. Not fun. He was yelled at by the center director for not controlling his kids and letting them run away. He quit. He yelled for 3 hours at her before quitting.

He told me that he was talking about MY center and MY center director. !!!!!!!!!!!

And then there is the lack of communication. I didn't think it was possible, but the daycare has worse communication between staff than my accounting job.

And then there was the day that I was totally disrespected and I went home in tears and I was going to quit and I begged my husband to call the center and yell at the director so she would fire me and I wouldn't have to go back.

When I was hired on, it was to be an assistant to the woman who works with the 4 year olds. I had spent 2 days getting to know them and liked them and the teacher. A few days after being hired, the assistant-director said that they might not have the dollars to keep me there, and would I rather be moved to another room that needed me more, or work on a volunteer basis with the 4 yr. olds until more of them enrolled so they could pay me again? I stated that I wanted to stay with the 4's, even if it meant working for free. Because I could work less hours, and put in more accounting hours. They told me to finish the week paid, and they'd see if I was a volunteer or paid the next week.

I got sick. Really sick. Took some days off. Came back, worked 2 days, and I had now been in my room and happy for 2 weeks. The center director walked in and said she was moving me to another room. She didn't give me time to grab my things. Not even my coat. We traipsed about looking for my new classes' teacher, who turned out to be outside, while I got hardly 2 words in, because the director was so busy congratulating herself on being so smart for thinking to move me to this new class. They were 2 year olds in diapers that I didn't know. I hadn't spoken 2 words to their teacher. I was left there with her with no further direction, no mention of how long this would be, but given the impression that it was kinda temporary.

I had no coat. The teacher left me to go diaper someone. OK, there was still another teacher with her smaller group of kids who could help me. 10 minutes later, my teacher hadn't returned, and the other teacher took another kid for diapering. Leaving me with 12 kids I didn't know. In the COLD. Really cold. With no jacket. And I was out of water. And my throat HURT. There were kleenexes, thank god, but no trash to throw them in. All the kids had runny noses that had to be wiped, and only my hand to hold the dirty kleenexes in. I thought any second someone was going to jump out and say congratulations, you passed the psych test! Or, guess what? You're on candid camera!!! No one jumped out. The first teacher, my new teacher, returned over 15 minutes after she'd left me.

Then we went inside where I had to watch them eat, I had no chair to sit at, and my own lunch was waiting for me elsewhere. I saw myself in the mirror and couldn't believe I wasn't crying already. Because I looked like I was going to burst into tears any minute.

When it was over, I drove straight home and started bawling, forcing my husband to call in sick for me to my 2nd job.

Anyway, that was much longer than I really had the time to spend. Let's just say I was very traumatized. I went to therapy that night, and she convinced me to stick it out at least 1 more day to see what was up. I took the next 2 days off.

Came in the next Monday and worked my butt off. That was last Monday, I think. Things have gotten progressively better each day. I'm not sure why. I felt SOOO disrespected by the center director, like I was a piece of furniture to be moved at will without so much as a thought to what I might think about it. After I had made my wishes quite clear. I guess I decided I should stick with the money. And I didn't want to quit because I don't know what I'd say to other prospective employers. Because I would need another job. I had LOTS of homework I had to complete by watching those kids and taking notes last week. I would have been SOOOO behind if I had quit.

Saturday was kind of bad. I was about exhausted Friday night. Went to bed early. And I had to get up extra early Saturday. To go into that stupid daycare! Why? Because it's MANDATORY to attend teacher planning days without students. These days are scheduled for the 2 days after Christmas! Holy Fucking God!!!! So they have "makeup days" in Oct & Nov. Because really they want you to work a Saturday so you can take off in December. How very fucked up.

So I did 8 hours of manual labor Saturday. I was not happy. But I got to spend quality time with the other teachers and *HORROR* the center director. Who is a fucking neat-freak perfectionist. *sigh*

But it was good to be more friendly with them. She acted really impressed with me, too, so I think now I'll get more respect from her now. If I haven't blown it by not mentioning how shitty I felt after how she treated me when she moved me to a new room. Grr.

Anyway, I *have* to go and do homework now. Only 1.5 hours till I have to be in class with a completed assignment. Hopefully I'll find more time to write more soon. Don't hold your breath.

Now it's Friday night, well, around 12am, it's Saturday morning and I should be in bed. I am now enduring my 2nd cold in a month, and I am so fucked. I think I've given myself bronchitis again. Bronchitis is merely inflammation of the bronchial tubes in your lungs. More a symptom than a condition. After 2 years in a row dealing with it, I was thinking this summer that not only did I not get bronchitis this past January, but I hadn't had any colds or flus or anything icky this year other than evil periods and migraines. Now this. Once again, I've taken 2 days off to recouperate. And I *still* feel like shit. Mostly it's hard to breathe. Feels way too much like the May before last when I went to the hospital because I couldn't even breathe when I laid down to rest. That was about the time that I started writing this diary. Weird, how life moves in circles.

Like the fact that I'm getting majorly jealous of my friend JP and the increasing amounts of time that my husband spends with her. It's starting to feel alot like my 1st year at college, when someone that I thought was my friend was spending more time with my man than I was. Icky, icky memories and feelings that I have no desire to relive.

Anyway, I feel like such shit. I got an email from my sis yesterday or so, and the girl she's in love with, but whom she can't "be" with is pregnant. I just shake my head. The reason she can't be with her? They're both in their first year of soberness, and their program says no serious relationships for that first year. And yet, this girl goes out and gets PREGNANT. What is wrong with this family??? Do we seek this crap out or something?????

Speaking of family, ick. I dreamed about my father a few nights ago. Ick. Ick. God, I don't even want to mention it. I dreamed about his damned penis. How sick is that. I'm not even going to relive this anymore.

My hamster is running a marathon. He is very cute. did I mention Scampie? I believe so, but I'm too lazy to reread what I've written to find out.

I love music. I spent an evening earlier this week downloading a bunch of stuff by Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald. And some Hawaiian music. Oddly enough, I was looking for some traditional stuff, and found a comic one about Pokalolo by accident. It cracks me up!!! Pokalolo is Hawaiian... er, Pidgen for pot. Marijuana. Maryjane. It's a cute little song. Pokalolo is pretty big in Hawaii.

Fucking cat. He just pissed and didn't cover it AGAIN. Anyone want a broken cat with a bad attitude? We keep threatening to "recycle" him. We love him but GOD if only I could beat him JUST ONCE it would probably be so stress-relieving!!!!!!

Oh, and this amazing song "Breathe" by Telepopmusik. The day I downloaded it coz it was so dreamy, I saw the car commercial for it the first time. Someone needs to kiss the guys doing this commercials breaking the brilliant music this year. I can't even remember the car company, let alone the car model, but I know that it's the same one that's done a bunch of other cool car/song commercials this year.

You guys have to see this commercial. Sometimes, commercials can be art. When this one was on and my husband looked away and started chattering at the cat, I wanted to hit him. I wanted him to see it for the beauty that it was. This hot looking man driving in his car, and flashes of him driving different people around, and it starts looking like these events are in chronilogical order, coz eventually a girl he has on a date with roses becomes his bride, then a woman giving birth, and then there's a little girl in the back seat. And it's all interspersed with shots of just him, with this dreamy smile on his face, so you wonder if he's just enjoying his car, enjoying reliving the memories, or if he's just making them up in his head while he drives. And all the while, that dreamy song is playing, "Just breathe..." It's so beautiful.

Reminds me of this amazing Nordstrom's commercial from last year. Nordstrom got a lot of flak for losing touch with their customers and doing some strange commercials last year. But one of them was so brilliant. It helped that it had Moby's "Porcelain" playing in the background, another dreamy-beautiful song. Anyway, it was in black and white, and kind of slow-mo, and I can't even remember if it was the man or woman's house. But I think it was the woman opening her front door and outside it's raining and in slow-mo this huge black umbrella moves out of the way to show her date standing in front of her, and it's just such a blissful moment, I wish I was a photographer so I could capture it on film and hang it on my wall.

Anyway, I'm tired and rambling about commercials. Sorry. I just love beauty.

I need to go drink juice. And cover my cat's litter box. Evil kitty.

ps: the car commercial if from Mitsubishi. It just played AGAIN. That's like 10 times tonight.

pps: I finally broke down and created a notify list. I always figured it would generate more traffic if I forced you guys to check back manually, but I update so sporadically these days, I decided that was just a little too close to torture. Because not hearing from me is torture, right??? ;) Love you guys. Hopefully more coming soon. Esp. if I keep getting sick like this. *sigh*

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