bursting surprise

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#305: almost hired (hehe... maybe)
09/13/02 @ 6:11 pm

1. What was/is your favorite subject in school? Why?
Eek! This was different all the time! Like sometimes I hated math or English or spelling because they were hard, or loved those same classes because despite that, I was good at it. For the most part in high school, history classes were my favorite, with English a close favorite because it was so easy for me. All time, Humanities, a Senior Year special course combining history, art history, and English with a smattering of music and philosophy, etc was my favorite. We got to go in depth with ancient history periods like the Egyptian Pharoahs, Medieval & Renaissance periods, etc. It was groovy!

2. Who was your favorite teacher? Why?
This is a tie. Mrs. Schuck, who coincidentally taught Humanities, was fucking awesome. But, truly, Mr. Juvick is probably my favorite, coz he fucking ROCKED. From his bad ties to his bald head to his bad jokes, he was quite a character. But he was always so glad to see me and my friends, so impressed with me and my writing, so damn encouraging, he just blew me away. I'll never forget him.

3. What is your favorite memory of school?
Way too many to list. Holding hands for the first time. Slow dancing for the first time. Getting a 4.0 grade average one quarter. Natural Helper retreat. Hanging out with my friends and future husband. Getting a 102 out of 100 points on my first assignment in Advanced English with Mr. Juvik, proving to myself that I was as good as all those snobby brats who were handed everything on a silver platter, if not BETTER.

4. What was your favorite recess game?
Hard to say. Well, especially since I can't remember what we called it now! Hmm. We got a really long piece of yarn and tied it into a loop, so that when you stretched the loop out it would be between 6-10 feet long, and two girls would stand at either end and put their end around their ankles, forming a box of space about a foot wide in between the two sides. Does that make sense? It was a big giant rectangle of yarn. They actually premade these, I think it was a Japanese toy, out of elastic, but they were SOOO small there wasn't enough room to maneuver, so we always made our own with yarn. Anyway, the object was for the 3rd girl to start out inside the box, with her ankles on the inside of the yarn. If I remember right, the object was to jump so first your legs went outside the box, you touched the ground, jumped, and put your feet back in the box. Repeat 10 times. Out, in, out, in. On the 10th time, you had to land with your feet on top of the yarn so it touched the ground. Every time you did this right, they raised the yarn up their bodies by about 6 inches or so. Girls who were really good could do this with the yarn above waist level. I never figured out how, despite trying all sorts of way to cuff my jeans to cheat. *sigh*

5. What did you hate most about school?
Being the fat kid. Elementary school was the worst, because kids were at their cruelest. Junior high was sometimes better, sometimes worse, because sexuality started to come into it. Some horrible things were said to me in the 8th grade just before I moved away from Hawaii for the final time, while at the same time other people were finally warming up to me despite my size. Then I moved to Washington State, and since I was new, people didn't pick on me - it was more like being invisible. Then when I got to High School, it was much, much easier. No slurs at all, I had some friends, some of the popular people were nice to me, and the others just ignored me, which was fine by me, because I thought they were rude and mean and shallow anyway!!!

I have been feeling very philosophical lately. Oddly enough, I think it's from sex. Gwen has mentioned before that occassionally she has an orgasm that produces visions of bursts of colors. I've never had visions. But I seem to get a little philosophical during intercourse lately. It's strange, because part of me really wants to have that orgasm. And another part is enjoying the moment so much, I don't want anything to change. I don't want to stop. I just want to live in this moment forever. And I feel on the edge of something. Not something physical, but something mental brought on by the physical. Like I'm on the edge of an epiphany, if I can only stay the course long enough. I finally tried to mention this to my husband last week. We were in Las Vegas and had sex a record 3 days in a row. But as I opened my mouth to try and relate my feelings, I realized I had no words. That nothing had ever been accomplished. That it was always something I tried to get to, I nearly received the epiphany, but never quite reached it. So the nearest I could come was telling him that it was perfect. Actually, it wasn't perfect. It made *me* feel perfect. That if only it had continued for a moment later, I could have understood everything about the universe, every mystery and question and answer would be opened before me. So really, it wasn't perfect. It was the closest thing to perfection I had ever experienced, and it was... There are no words. But it reminds me of when I realized that dance can be spiritual for me. I have experienced this before in dance. And I truly believe now, once again, that the closest we can come to the spiritual is through the physical. I think that maybe, just maybe, magic and evolution of the spirit, mind, and body is possible, and it's all somehow inside of us. If only we can tap into it.

So part 2 of my philosophical thoughts is about Possibilites and Probabilities. I don't think I'm ever going to be convinced of anything ever. I will always doubt, and that saddens me. But I was thinking today, that if I called it something else, maybe it isn't negative. If I just realized that these aren't doubts, but my mind holding out the hope for any and all possibilities, that that's somehow possible. I can believe that heaven and magic are possible, and that makes me full of hope.

Instead of doubt, I see possibilities. I think it's possible that there is other life in the universe, that invisible unicorns are looking over my shoulder right now, that innumerable angels can dance on the head of a pin, that my cat created the universe last Tuesday, that Schroedinger's Cat can both Exist and Not-Exist at the same time, that God created the universe, that the universe created itself, that when I look at the color red I see red but when you look at the color red you see purple but still call it red because when you see what I call purple you see red and still call it purple, and that chocolate is good for me.

But I also believe in Probabilities. I think it's probable that God did not create the universe; that when I see red, you see the same thing I do; that my cat is a lazy fuck who never created anything in his entire life; and no angels can dance on the head of a pin because they simply don't exist. But Possibilites and Probabilities are fascinating things, because I believe it's Probable that life from other planets has visited Earth based on the evidence, and my husband sees it as lack of evidence and doesn't believe it.

But these Possibilites and Probabilites are all about the unseeable. They're theories and myths and fantasies. Nancy Kress's Probability book series drove me crazy, because there's actually probability theory, something I just can't wrap my mind around. The idea that just because we can see/measure something, we help it exist. Crazy. Because I believe that no matter what I think and what you think, there is a DEFINITE answer, an absolute Truth, and no matter what, that's the way it is. So it's much harder for me to believe in some possibilities than others.

Like what if the universe was created 5 minutes ago, and all my memories before that time are made up? Or the universe is flexible, and my desk occassionally disappears for a split second when I'm not looking? I have physical evidence to the contrary, so it's pretty tough to believe these are Possibilities. So my Probability is that they're not true.

But I have no physical evidence for or against God or angels, so shouldn't I think it's slightly MORE Probable that they exist. Maybe. But I think we're getting into areas like a .0000000009% chance that God exists vs. a .00000000009% chance that my desk disappears every couple of split seconds. To the human mind, the difference between those two percentages are unmeasurable, so they're pretty much the same. They imProbable.

Yah. Anyway, this is what I'm thinking this morning. Wonder how quickly I lost all y'all?

So onto real life. It has been a hectic week, to say the least. We went to Las Vegas last week and had a lovely time. But it was horrible timing. Because one of my references wasn't responding, so I couldn't send out my resumes, so I had to wait until we got back to Seattle last weekend, at which point we had to spend lots of time with family because Sweetie's grandmother was in town. Leaving me to polish my resume and write cover letters LATE Sunday night and mail them Monday. Exactly TWO WEEKS before I need to have a job. Yee-haw! NOT.

Monday was a pretty good day. I was all organized with my resumes and my new school bag and the idea firmly lodged in my brain to never be more than 5 feet away from my cell phone so I can wait for prospective employers to call. And another part of me felt it completely possible to just stay at my current job forever, because I was so relaxed and back on track after my vacation. Come Tuesday, one stupid email from my boss requesting some moronic thing, and all my self-esteem and positive thinking went out the window. It was really bizarre. I tried and tried to analyze it so I could shelf it and move on to feeling positive and powerful again, and I just couldn't seem to shake the funk. Then Wednesday. God. I turned on the TV first thing in the morning, which I never do, because I just had to know if anything had blown up. Nothing had blown up. But I couldn't turn it off. I felt out-of-sorts all day after that.

Yesterday was a pretty good day though. It was an early day, so I went up to the college and got a parking pass & ID and my single required book for my classes. Coolness. Then I had yummie Panda Express Chinese for lunch. Then I checked my cellphone as I left the mall, and there was a call. FROM A PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYER. Woo-hoo! Just when I was starting to moan that noone wanted me!!! Unfortunately, all we did was talk about my available hours, because she (the director) was about to go on vacation, so she wouldn't be able to schedule any interviews or anything until the week after next. But I was still excited!!!

Then I went home, and got headachey, so I took a nap, which husband kept interrupting. When I got up, I returned my call from A SECOND PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYER!!! Yee-HAW!!!!!! :) This one went even better! She wanted me to call her AT HOME for god's sakes! So when we finally connected, we chatted about the fact that I actually have experience. I'm like, no I don't, I just worked with Elementary kids for 2 quarters, and I need to work with Pre-schoolers, and she was like, that's great! You have experience!!!! Well, ok. Just as long as she realizes that I'm in a program that requires me to work with PRE-SCHOOLERS (some of these places that I'm applying to have afternoon programs for older, elementary school kids). She seemed to accept this fact, and still thought I was a groovy chick with experience. Plus, she has an amazingly unique name, just like me, so I'm hoping this goes well!!! My boss recommended I apply to this place, because a close friend of her's uses it and loves it. And did I mention that I just cold-lettered this place? There was no ad, no mention on their website or nuthin', and I sent them a letter & resume, and she's talking about having me be an assistant teacher for awhile and then BECOMING A LEAD TEACHER!!! Holy fucking shit!!!!!!!!! Yep, so I'm excited. Part of me feels bad that the first caller isn't even going to be able to get back to me until a week after I start my interviews. And another part of me is hoping beyond hope that this amazing place in Bellevue calls me and offers me MILLIONS OF DOLLARS to work for them, coz they ROCK according to their AMAZING website. But I really have a good feeling about this place and this woman with the unique name, so mostly I'm excited and crossing my fingers about that!

I think I'm going to go buy a book about interviewing this weekend. I never practice very hard at the interviewing, and I've only had about 4 interviews in my life. I tell myself not to be nervous, that even the interview that had me in tears as I waited for my ride led to a job offer (I don't even remember why now). But that's me, the worry-wart. Part of me is freaking that they'll somehow find out about my "secret life". That I'm in counseling and taking meds, that I have a secret online "sexy" diary, that I got a lap dance in Vegas 2 weeks ago. Eek! I'm a nutcase. Coz I just can't rule out Possibilities! Har Har fucking-Har. Grr.

Anyway, I think I should get back to work. I want to write some more about Vegas, so we'll see if I get to that.

Wait a sec. It occurs to me that you may not know what I'm talking about, looking for a job. Well, what you *should* know if you've been reading along recently (although I admit, I've been sporadic this summer), is that I am going back to school this Fall. Night classes, full-load (14 credits), 3 days a week. What I learned only when I went to see an advisor and I'd already made up my mind, was that the program requires me to be working in a daycare/preschool 2.5 hours a day, 3 days a week, minimum. Yikes! Why wasn't this on the webiste or in the hand-outs or in the course catalog?!!!

So, because I told my current employers that I would be sticking with them until I had finished the 2 year program, plus there's no way someone with no experience (ok, SOME experience) can earn anywhere near as much money as an assistant at a daycare as I can with even just my part-time salary here, I am going to try to find this daycare job as a supplement to my schooling and my income. But not a replacement to my income. So I will probably be working somewhere around 40 hours a week again, but at different locations & different jobs, PLUS be going to school nights for as late as 9:45. Eek.

When I discovered this, I told BossLady that this was the plan, but I didn't know if I'd be able to keep it up for more than one quarter. She seemed to understand that I might be working a little less than I am now, but did not grasp that if push came to shove, I would quit this job if it got to be too much. Because not doing the daycare = no schooling = back to square 1, which I am unwilling to do!

So, yah, that's where I am now. I'm freaking, because the first job call woman asked if I'd be available from 7am to 10am 5 days a week. I said yes. I tried to reassure myself, "maybe I can sleep in the middle of the day?" Yah, right. Hopefully, the 2nd job will come through, and it will be PERFECT in hours and duties and training and there will be fluffy clouds and guardian angels and all the children will be silent and peaceful and happy. Say it with me folks: Yah, right.

I can hope, can't I? Possibilities. It's all about the Possibilities.

OK, about Vegas...

This was our 3rd trip, and we stayed at The Aladdin, which is so new that my copy of The Unofficial Guide to Las Vegas 2002 did not have it on the map of the Strip. (Although it's in the charts of ammenities, if you're interested in buying it, coz it's a wonderful book). The Aladdin was a great choice. It's casino is very large, and the room was quite comfy. There's a computer & internet access in every room, but you have to pay to use the internet to do anything more than look at their official website! Mostly, I was impressed with the size of the casino, the variety of shops in the Dessert Passage (a full-sized mall within the resort), and the amazing dinner buffet. Their dinner buffet is definitely the best we've been to so far. It's a "super" buffet, meaning it has alot more than your standard-sized buffet, but it also means that it's pricier.

While we were there, we didn't do a whole lot. We walked all the way down to the Excalibur our first night, which was a mistake, because I was already tired, but I thought that there were trams all the way between Caesar's Palace and there. I was WRONG. Grr. One day we rented a car, which was really nice, because all the hotels we went to had free parking, so it was alot easier than walking around. But we really rented the car to tour the rest of Las Vegas and look at a bunch of comic shops I had printed directions to in a quest for anime. We didn't find anything really exciting, as it seems the list I used was a few years old and some of the things were gone or had changed names. We ended up at a little place called Alternate Reality Comics, which according to my list had once been called something like Anime Source. They had a very big variety of comics of all sorts, like from independent publishers I had never heard of. They had Bondage Fairies and a few other erotic items. And they had a Manga/Anime section, so I picked up what I'm hoping is the next installment of Oh! My Goddess (they don't number the fuckers!!!), plus something called Battle Angel Alita, since I liked the cover art.

Then we went back to the hotel and he gambled while I checked out the pool. It was really strange, because it was between 95-100F that day, but when I got into the pool, the hot wind actually made me feel cold! I got up to see if it was just the low air blowing right along the pool surface, and it wasn't! It was freezing! When I finally got out and dried off a little and walked around to look at the area, as I dried out in the heat, I started to actually feel hot and cold at the same time, which was really very odd.

Then I went to the room and had a long bath, then got ready to go out. I wore the EXACT same outfit I wore last time we went to see The Girls of Glitter Gulch, and I was hoping that that would mean that the same girl would spot me and dance for me. Unfortunately, Tawny had the week off. *sigh* We were starting to get depressed with the skinniness of the women there. Finally, a woman came up to us who would do. Apparently, I am even more fickle about being attracted to women than I thought. It takes ALOT for a blonde to turn my eye. Weird. She was blonde. But when she sat down and asked if we'd like some fun and I asked if she liked girls, she gave me this intense eye-contact as she said yes. We just sat there and had a staring match. You could tell that she was trying to send naughty thoughts my way. But she didn't look wicked. She just looked willing. And even that's not the right word. She looked like she was DARING me to do something. Like if I had opened my mouth and made any request, anything at all, she would have said yes because it was a dare. Like eat bugs or run away together or stand on her head. Anything, just to prove a point. It wasn't that sexual, but it was quite exciting.

So we went to the other, darker side of the room and got a dance from her. It was almost nothing like my last dance. Everything about Tawny turned me on, from her breasts to her eyes to her hair to her ass. And her smell. And her weight on me. And the sounds she made. And the smile on her face. This girl was named Laura, and I kept giggling. Because she kept pressing herself really firmly against my face, smearing my lipstick all over her chest. And when she put her weight on me to grind, it was kind of odd, like, "is this really happening?", instead of sexual. Plus, she was really cold. And she would sometimes whisper odd things to me, like we were just pals chatting. So it wasn't much of a turn on.

But we still had sex that night. Which was good.

But it was the last night there that was my favorite, coz I had yummie drinks. We went up to Sinbad's Lounge or club or bar or whatever, which is it's own little area above the casino where they have live acts. I didn't feel like being anywhere loud, but the band wasn't ready yet, so we just chilled and ordered drinks. I think they called it an Apple Orchard. If I remember right, it was Tequila, Sour Apple liquor, and a "splash" of Sweet & Sour. And it was fucking yummie!!! It was just right, not to sweet, not too sour, and not too alcoholic tasting. I had 2.5 of them, coz I told husband that if I drank the second as fast as the first, I would be drunk quick and we could fuck. But we ordered a 3rd to share coz the guy offered us a Washington Red Apple, which was basically the same thing with a splash of cranberry. Not as good as the green apple, but not bad either.

Then we went up to the room and fucked. Which, oddly enough, I don't quite remember right now. I think I'm blocking it on purpose coz I'm at work and I don't want to get caught. And I'm feeling food-tired. *sigh* I remember that it was good. Sorry I can't prove it to you!

So, despite thinking furiously about it, I really can't remember the sex I had that night. I think I was quite drunk. I remember that after the sex, we went down to the 24hr cafe for dinner and I wore my nice dress & then I wished I hadn't because I was afraid I would throwup all over myself. But i was only a teensy bit nauseaous, so I didn't. But I *still* can't remember the sex. Odd.

I remember where the whole "Possibilities & Probabilities" thing came from though. I was thinking about my dreaming, and how they've been such a plague these last few years, but this week I've done pretty well with them. I seem to be waking up and instead of focusing on the dream I just awoke from, I focus on forcing myself out of bed. And instead of daydreaming and trying to recall my dreams during the day, I focus on the things that I need & want to do, like who to send resumes to and what I'll do when I get home. This has led to much easier times dealing with my dreams, since I only think of them fleetingly, and then I change the subject in my head. Cool. I know last night's was pretty cool, some sort of spy or thievery mission, and it was sexy, but I'm trying not to focus on this, in the hopes that maybe I can train myself to do this from now on. It's hard to train yourself NOT to do something though, since thinking "don't do that" makes you think about the doing.

So this led me to the "Possabilities" thinking, because the thing about my dreams is, for the longest time, I've always thought it Possible that my dreams are real. Some alternate life I'm living in my dreams or something. And life must be good, that I'm focusing on it, instead of this alterna-life. Because I still can't rule out the Possibility that it's real somehow, despite my meds. But at least I think it's Highly imProbable, which is a much bigger improvement than a few years ago, where I was beginning to convince myself that it was Highly Probably. Scarey Times.

But I think, and this is just me, I don't want to ever convince myself 100% that it's imPossible or imProbable. I want to believe in magic and the unknown, if only just a smidgen of a percent of me thinks it's Possible. That will be enough to know that I'm not completely jaded and bitter and unNaive. I know there's a better word for it. Fuck. What's the word that means that someone is the opposite of naive? Argh.

Anyway, sometimes it's hard, maintaining this balancing act. Trying to be sane and ruling out the imPossible so that I can tell the difference between Reality and Imagination. Because I kinda don't want to. But I need to. So maybe I'm finally finding a nice middle ground. And it's not really a "middle" ground, since such a very small part of me is all that's left to believe in the Possibilities. But as long as it's there, however small, I think I can be happy.

ps: I left that last entry up so long, I forgot to update the conflicts it mentioned. Within 48 hours, both of the people I was so furious at APOLOGIZED. Isn't that weird? For me, that's weird. I never seem to be in situations where people apologize to me, unless it's my husband, who I practically have to force against his will to apologize for things, coz he always thinks he's right (and he usually is - grr).

Basically, CR apologized and said she hadn't gotten the tidbit about me & LH making up.

And Sintensity very humbly apologized for what she refers to as: "I completely jumped down your ass for no reason." But my favorite part is this: "your site is beautiful, interesting too. I ended up spending hours here going back to the first entry."

See, I *am* perfect. MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!

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