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#299 - a week's worth in one post
08/16/2002 @ 8:10 pm

MONDAY

Fuck if I didn't have the scariest dream yet last night. The world was being invaded, & me and my husband were part of this resistance group keeping an eye on them for weaknesses. There were some freaky moments hiding out in bushes from the search parties. In the end, they had a secret weapon that brought us all out of hiding. They lined us up and chose every other one of us to kill. Before I could even protest they killed my husband and moved on their way to the end of the line without paying me any mind. In the end they had 1000 dead that they handed over to the new Emperor of Seattle, who was human. Then they rounded up the last of us resistance and put us on some gameshow to die humiliating or horrifying deaths. I managed to jump off a train to my death before they could do anything too painful to me. I've never been so relieved to die in a dream before.

Now can anyone guess why I dreamed all of this? If any of you guessed that I saw "Signs" this weekend, my answer to you is "BINGO"!!

Holy Fuck, I have not been that freaked out by a movie since NOB knows when. It was pretty scarey. I did some damage to my husband's arm a few times during the watching. But the bad part is, I'm *still* freaked out. I seem to be afraid of the dark now. Convinced some alien's going to climb through our window, or appear out of nowhere to be standing behind me in our apartment. The last 2 nights, it's been really difficult for me to get to sleep. FUCK!!!

It's a really good film with a really good ending, but I really wish that it wasn't STILL freaking me out so much!

On a lighter note, my husband bought me crack this weekend. Crack that goes by the name "Baldur's Gate". Yep, computer game flavored crack. Yay! I've decided to stop fucking around at that stupid forum to make time for my new addiction. The stupid bitch who runs it keeps making changes for the worse to it every 2 weeks, plus the in-fighting and gossip are just way out of hand lately. Not to mention the fact that not enough of those people appreciate having an adult around to give them advice. So I figure it's about time I bailed.

~ * ~

ok, so remember how I said that Bossman has this week off? and BossLady has all of August off? And that I will need to start running a porn business from work to occupy my time? Anyone have any tips on that?

*sigh*

I have already wasted a few hours poking around the net, reading diaries, and looking up stuff for Baldur's Gate.

I am thinking of working on my resume now. I want to put together a little resume to shop myself around when I get off my but and look for a daycare job.

I suppose I should get off my duff and do the task BossLady asked of me on Friday that I couldn't do because the people I needed to call were out already. Um, except they're on Eastern time, so it appears I just missed them. AGAIN. Fuck.

Should I just go home? This is pathetic. I'm getting paid to do NOTHING. I could literally finish all of the stuff that needs to be done in an hour. So I just don't do it, just in case I need to look busy later.

Eventually this week, I plan on organizing the office CDs. Woo-hoo!!!! That might take me an afternoon, but it's as boring as hell and the absolute lowest priority thing I have on my plate.

fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!!

TUESDAY

OMG! Actual work to do! Holy Shit! I might actually fall over & die from not surprise! Er, surprise! So, yah, this might even mean I'll have enough stuff to do that I won't have any time to pester you guys with my tedious boring rants this week! Well, not during work hours anyway. Woo-hoo!

But before you go, I wanted to relate to y'all an experience I had Saturday: a little trip to insanity land and back that was so brief, I forgot about it.

We were on the way to the theater to catch "Signs". Very odd, considering the themes. I was sitting in the car and had just uttered for the millionth time in my life, "I don't want to die" because my husband scares the crap out of me sometimes. It's become habit to utter this when he brakes quickly (often) or merges lanes (he always seems to want to do this too quickly and dangerously), etc. So sometimes I don't actually fear for my life when I say it. But sometimes I do.

And it occurred to me, maybe I should shut up, because maybe I was tempting the fates bringing it up all the time. After all people die all the time. In car crashes, standing on the street, anywhere, anytime. I got so completely freaked out. Because I don't want to die. I really, really don't. It really scared me. One moment of pure terror, at the idea that it could all be over any moment, and I would have no say in the matter, and I probably wouldn't even notice. The flip side of eternity with god: it just ends and you don't even realize it.

I was *this* close to letting out a blood-curdling scream, as my mind felt like it was going to explode from the implications. So I grit my teeth and told my mind to just shut the fuck up. Get a grip. Calm down. Don't think about it. And I did. I did what I've been doing for years: I shut it away in the back of my mind, with the other things I don't like to deal with. It's my Denial Closet.

Sunday night, while laying in bed, I tried to figure out what had happened. Why I had freaked out, and why I wasn't comforted by merely denying it. So I thought back to all the other times I've wondered about death and how I've gotten through it. And I sighed a sigh of relief.

Because this is what I do. I tell myself I'm happy. Life may have been shit in the beginning, but things have since turned around. I'm loved, and I am in love. I recall and focus on the memory of my husband and I holding hands as we snorkeled in the hotel lagoon in Hawaii. I always feel so much better when I think of that.

And it works. Because I think about death way too often. In cars and in planes especially. And I just have to give myself over to it, and console myself that even if that happens, I'll be ok. Because I have my memories. So if it has to happen now, so be it.

I am not brave or unafraid. But I'm calm. I'm ready. Death can come. As long as I've thought of snorkeling with turtles and holding my husband's hand. I won't be happy about it, but I'll do my best not to scream or cry.

I hope at least a little of this made sense to some of you.

THURSDAY

Hmm. I wonder if I should just wait to see what happens that I can write about on Friday before I post this?

I've been completely glued to my computer playing CRACK (Baldur's Gate) for the past 2 days. I was all crampy yesterday, so I stayed home and played CRACK. OK, so maybe my cramps were weird yesterday and were gone by noon and I could have gone to work. What would have been the point? I stayed home & kept playing CRACK.

Today, today I may have actually tracked down Heather. I am pretty much freaking. I found someone's genealogy chart and she fits into it perfectly, due to some limited info I have on her mother, and the fact that they used her middle name. Freaky. I emailed the owner of the chart (it's his family), and promptly spent the next hour looking up new name combinations, since the Heather on his chart was married with a new last name.

Did I mention I am freaking? I got so emotional, I got kinda teary eyed. I think part of it is just so afraid that she doesn't want anything to do with me. Horror upon horror is that she won't remember me, but I find that HIGHLY unlikely. But it's so easy to find me, that I've become a little bitter that she hasn't. I have a different last name now, but my name is amazingly distinctive, and I own the domain. So if she types in my name in Google, I pop up in the first 2 pages. In fact, I just checked, and some list sights did their job. My domain is now FIRST on the list at Google.

So I am a little bitter that she hasn't tried to find me. And a little scared that she may not care to contact me. And a little freaked about what I'll say when she does.

What do you say to your best friend when you were 11, now that you're 29? Especially since you've been harboring some romantic fantasies about this reunion for the past few years.

Yikes. I think I should just stop thinking about it. With my luck, nothing will come of it. It always works that way. The last time we were in Portland, I found someone listed in the phone book with exactly her name. I sent her a Christmas card, and found out it was some 70 year old woman. And no, that woman didn't know Heather. blah.

Life is such a rut, yet I'm so afraid to break the rut. My friend is getting ready to break free of his chains here at work, and I'm so happy for him. Me, I'm scared to death of even trying. I'm scared I'm going about this all wrong. Scared that I don't like little children enough to do this. My shrink tells me not to worry, it will be a learning experience at the worst. Not like all my eggs are in one basket. But I FEEL like all my eggs are going into this basket. It's taken so much courage just to get this far. What if I totally screw up, and go back into my shell? Or if I don't, then I have to find something ELSE, and the money we spent trying this out is down the tubes and could have gone towards buying a house.

This is what I've been trying not to think about as I play the CRACK. I try not to think about how much I wish I'd known that I could have gone to a different college just a mile from the one I'm about to attend. Because that other school has a school counseling program there. There is little info on it though, so I console myself with that.

Funny how my mind works. Rather than jumping at the chance, I feel stuck in a rut already, a place I HAVE to go now, so I feel better not even examing the other options.

I am a freak. I need to track down my options. I'm just pissed it's not online. I should screw up my courage like I did a few months ago, and tromp around their campus looking for info if that's what it takes. DOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~ * ~

Before drifting off to sleep last night, I was thinking about sleep, and how lovely it is. I thought about how helpful sleep is, and what if that was important for us to stay healthy. I thought it would be a good premise to a story if we found out that people wouldn't age if they lived their lives asleep. We could all link up through computers and/or telepathy. Live our lives through dreams. Kind of the reverse of Nancy Kress' "Beggars In Spain", my second favorite book of all time. However, although Nancy had a nifty hook to get you reading (the Sleepless), she had a nifty plot and great characters to keep you reading. I do not have #2 & #3, and #1 is questionable. *sigh* Why oh why did I even bother to start writing? I am so pathetic. Maybe I should go back in time and break all the pens in the house that I lived in when I was 11? Grr.

My dreams weren't that bad last night. Gasp! I dreamed about my brothers, and having to go back to my hometown to babysit them while our parents were away. It's strange how sometimes in dreams I can tolerate my father, and other times he's a complete monster. Nothing interesting about this dream, since I took them to Burger King, then on our way home, we stopped by a new community center that was opening and one of the guys I worked with volunteering in May/June was in charge there.

Of person significance was the part of my dream where I was trying to get INTO the Burger King. It seems a recurring theme for most people in some way to be slowed down or hindered from reaching a destination. This time, I had to climb a steep driveway that turned into a muddy hill that I had to use my hands to try and crawl up, which wasn't working out for me. It was exactly like this time when I was about 14, and it was so HOT, so me & the Heathers jumped into the water at the Pier. We immediately started thinking about sharks and swam around trying to find an easy way out. They climbed out via the old tires fastened to the sides of the pier to keep boats from scratching themselves up. I tried that, and failed completely. I was too fat and too weak to pull myself out of the water like that. I had to swim all the way to shore, terrified there was a shark right behind me. I got a horrible sunburn that day.

Oh, and I woke myself from a dream by talking once again. When I took the brothers home, we were fucking about and I bounced something against a wall that made a louder noise than I thought it was going to. I heard my mother shout my name and tell me to stop it. I went out to the garage, and there she was. I was so pissed that she'd gotten me to babysit and she wasn't even out of town! She only wanted to scold me for throwing something against the wall. So I shouted, "How do you even know it was me?" Which woke me up.

I also had another dream where hubby and I were on vacation in Las Vegas. He was now CFO (which for this dream meant Vice-CEO) of his company, and we were rich and doing rich people stuff. Then I had to leave and go to work as the lowly bookkeeper for THIS wretched company. I remember thinking to myself, "I much prefer being the wife of a CEO than a bookkeeper." Except my husband isn't really a CEO or CFO or even a VP. *sigh*

My friend got his job offer. The shit hits the fan on Monday when bosses get back to work. I emailed that other college that offers the guidance counselor program.

I hate that my life has so little direction. Kind of like this horrible entry. Blah. You've heard the joke that life should have an instruction manual? Or Claire Danes' "My So Called Life" monologue: "This life is only a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have been given instructions on who to see and what to do..." Fuck it: sometimes I could really just use a reboot key. Or how about the "wipe disk" function? Or maybe "Reinstall Software" would work. A "Clean Install"? Wish I could try something, but what? I can't even find the fucking FAQ...

FRIDAY

oh fuck. I didn't mean to do this, honest. I was going to post this entry already last night. But I forgot. So here it is, Friday, and I'm still adding to this pathetic entry. I wonder if anyone's still reading.

It is really Heather. I can't believe it. Well, I can. Her mother's cousin wrote back that she thought it was her, then an hour later she emailed me again and said that she'd talked to Heather's mom, and she thought Heather would be so excited to hear from me! OMG! How fucking bizarre! Now I just have to sit back and wait, because Heather does not have email. What kind of loser doesn't have email in this day & age??? hehe.

Went to sleep thinking about all the code words we had that noone but her and the other Heather would know about. Thinking about trying to track down the other Heather now. That would be a fucking trip, if the 3 of us could meet again. Wow. But until I hear from Heather, I kind of want to put all this out of my mind. I'm just too nervous and anxious. I need to think about other things.

So I had a nifty weird dream last night. A sci-fi dream that was just like a movie. At least it wasn't another nightmare!

It started out a little bit like the Stargate TV show, I think because it's been on in the background the past few days I've been home in the middle of the day (hubby will watch anything while he's eating lunch!). I was with this team on this far-away planet, and something bad was about to happen, so we opened up the dimensional gateway thingee. One of the people got away, and then they closed the gateway before the thing could rip through the gateway and effect earth. Because it was a fucking black-hole in a box. I think they call that a singularity. There was one freaky moment of watching this guy's skin start to peel off as the singularity started to pull on him. Luckily, it ended before it got TOO gruesome. (Unlike the movie "Event Horizon", the images from which will haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life!).

Next up, I am now one of 2 survivors on that far-away planet. We somehow "survived" the singularity, and have been scavenging parts to keep the habitat up & running. And Earth has finally sent an investigation team to check up on what happened, but via a space ship. This is one of those dreams where I know all sorts of stuff about everyone involved, but the characters don't know much. Like I know that the "survivors" are really new beings, created when the singularity combined all the personalities of the crew there into 2 people. Even they don't know this yet. And they don't know that the Earth ship is about to come down to "rescue" them.

So the survivors are about to trek off to scavenge a meteor (asteroid?) that fell to the planet that their system tracked for them. When they see the Earth ship fly up on them. Except they're afraid for some reason. Or at least they don't trust it. So they hide in this jungle and force the crew to come out and tromp around and look for them.

And when the crew finds them, you find out that one of the side effects of the female survivor (me), is this odd disease. I can focus the effects to make this new crew sick. I tell them to get down on their knees or it will only get worse, as my skin starts to look all freakish. I call it "Adonis Disease", and I'm not sure why.

And then my husband woke me up. Right when I was about to spring all the good stuff on everyone! Grr. I woke up thinking that maybe it should be called Narcissus disease instead, since it had to do with my hideous face, and they had to obey me or else get sicker. You know, kind of a humorist twist, since Narcissus was so fucking beautiful he couldn't take his eyes off himself, except this person was so hideous, they couldn't help but do what she said. Anyway, it made sense in that half-awake state as I lay there in bed, so you can fuck off. It was MY dream. I'll analyze it as I see fit!

Well, I guess I should work now. I'll try to think of something slightly more interesting to say before I post this entry later...

~ * ~

Today's word of the day is: "glabella".

glabella: (noun) the raised area of bone between the eyebrows

Did anyone know that? I wonder if even doctors know that. I don't think any doctors read my diary, so hopefully I stumped all o' y'all! mwahahahahaha!

~ * ~

Woo-hoo! I don't have PID! I was snooping around webmd some more, and I was once diagnosed with Bacterial Vaginosis! Why was I confused? Because of the medical professions need to give everything a cute little name comprised of initials! Bacterial Vaginosis is also known as BV, hence I remembered it was something with initials that wasn't threatening! Yay! I'm cured! I'm cured! OK, so I never HAD PID. I can still be happy. And maybe the BV is gone, because I've been on antibiotics since then. Still, something to bring up with the doc next time I have my "girlie parts" examined.

~ * ~

Bah! FF is down this week! And I *just* joined last week. Grr! Oh well. Here is a past one that I haven't done yet. Answer the following five questions in your own weblog. Make sure you leave a comment here with a link to your post or just leave your answers in this post's comments section.

1. What is your lineage? Where are your ancestors from?
Good question! I am 18% Hawaiian, about 40-50% Scottish (got it on both sides), and all-over mutt for the rest. Mom says we got Irish, English, Welsh, & German in us, plus a smattering of Black Foot Indian & Cherokee Indian!

2. Of those countries, which would you most like to visit?
Hmm... Why can't I be Italian??? I guess England. Always been a bit fascinated by London.

3. Which would you least like to visit? Why?
Probably the Cherokee Nation. I may have .07299% (or something) Cherokee in me, but something tells me that won't help me fit in!!!

4. Do you do anything during the year to celebrate or recognize your heritage?
Nope. Although, I can proudly wear those "Kiss Me: I'm Irish" buttons on St. Patty's day!

5. Who were the first ancestors to move to your present country (parents, grandparents, etc)?
Well... My Scottish ancestors (can you believe they're from the same CLAN on both sides? ewwwww) arrived here sometime around the 1500 or 1600s. There's some book on us, and I think it said that Scottish Fisherman "accidentally" came on over. Whatever. Then there's the fact that I'm Hawaiian, and trying to get anyone to agree on where the fuck Hawaiians came from is like trying to get a room full of people to explain how humanity started. You'll get a different theory every time. Most Pacific Islanders are believed to come from the East, but there is evidence that Hawaiians may have come from South America. I don't think they'll ever prove it. Anyway, I'm pretty sure the Hawaiians were there before those Scots hit America, so we'll go with that...

~ * ~

Heather emailed me. I cried.

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