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#294 - Is it wrong to crave pizza rolls?
08/06/02 @ 4:55 pm

I wish I could just talk about sex. I love sex. We went to a baseball game Friday, and afterwards I tried to convince husband to buy me a lap dance at a strip club. Was feeling very into women after smelling the woman in front of me when she was putting up her hair. Then there was Sunday, when husband was trying on the heart monitor he got for his birthday. No foolin', he wanted exercise items for his birthday. Foolish boy. But when he took off his shirt to try it on, part of me wanted to drop what I was doing and go help him take it off so I could lick him.

Or I could talk about love. Fluffy bunnies and moon drops. I watched the Real World marathon this weekend, and went to bed thinking about how nuts some of those people are, sleeping around just because they're young and they can. I've only ever wanted to find one person, the right person, and be with them forever. So husband makes me so blissfully happy. And I would be so happy if I could just dedicate my life to making him as happy as he makes me.

I like fluffie bunnies & lust.

But ever since last night, I've been kinda obsessing on frustration and pain and loneliness.

I'm afraid to write about this here, because Husband might decide to read it. He hasn't been reading my diary regularly for awhile, since he thought I wasn't updating enough, but I told him I was updating regularly again the other day, so for all I know he's checked it every day since then.

Not that it's any big secret, or anything we haven't discussed before.

His relationship with JP is such a stress on me. It's so frustrating. I am jealous of their relationship. Jealous that he spends time and cares for this other woman. Plus, I'm jealous that she spends time with him instead of me. How nuts is that? I think I always felt this way, even in the beginning, because I was kind of attacted to her.

Now that I'm friends with her, it's frustrating that she calls to talk to him instead of me. Which she did last night. I think that maybe if I had answered the phone, she would have sobbed to me, and I would have been asked over to comfort her. But I'm so freaky about the phone, I never pick it up. I let it go to the answering machine first, which has been reinforced since we get so many phone solicitors lately. But husband has been on the phone ALOT because of work, so he instantly picked it up. And talked to her. And got asked over.

I asked him if I should go. If she wanted me to go. If it would be bad if I went. Bah. He can't answer those questions, of course. I had a therapy session of my own to head to. finally, we decided that he would go over & I would go to my appointment. After I was done, I would call him on his cell, and if she was still down, then I would head over. Because it would be easier for her to just talk to one person at first. And then if she was still down, she could get a second view-point on it.

But of course I felt left out. Partly because she's having "abandonment issues" because her mother left her when she was 7 and she hasn't really dealt with it until now. And HELLO, I have TOTAL abandonment issues because of my mother. So I think I should have been there.

Plus, I feel like a rotten friend lately. I never call her, because I hate the phone.

It felt like this heavy-duty decision had to be made. And if I didn't go, that would be another chink closing our relationship and cementing her relationship with my husband.

Now that it's today, I realize that I feel this way alot of the time. And I try to put myself out there for her when she needs me because of it. And I always feel like I've "scored points" because of it.

But then the next time I feel the same way, like I'm nowhere near as close to her as husband is.

And my therapist pointed this out to me last night. That they many years up on me, and there's nothing I can do to rival that. If I could, it would have happened by now. It was so oddly negative of her. It actually hurt my feelings.

We talked about my friendships, and what could be going on. Here's the Evil Catch-22 I'm in. I need more friends. Not just one, but MORE. Because if I can spread my time out between them, I won't feel so lonely. But I can't make friends. Because I scare them off. If I could make a few friends, then eventually one or more of them might want to be better friends if I give them time. But because I scare them off by jumping to that level too soon, I can't make *any* friends.

I felt like she was giving me dating advice or something. Scaring people off. Sheesh. I'm not proposing marriage or "play in bed" with them or anything. I just feel very loyal and protective of the friends I meet. And she says that even if I don't say things to this effect, that they can still feel it, and if it makes them uncomfortable, even subconsciously, I can "scare them off".

For once my shrink was very negative, when usually it's me being pessimistic and her trying to be positive for me. So this session was kinda odd.

Anyway, I'm such a jealous person, I make myself crazy sometimes. Not that I actually think either of them would ever stoop to lying with me to make time to go fuck or anything. But I'm still jealous. ::le sigh::

So my shrink and I talked about trust. I told her I trust my husband. Unbelievably, I trust him more than I did even just a year ago. But in truth, I trust nothing. Nothing. I told her that part of me has to be constantly prepared for someone to reveal that the sky isn't really blue and I've been wrong all this time, and I have to incorporate into my worldview that the sky is and has always really been purple. This is the way I think. I'm never 100% sure of ANYTHING, even if I say so to the contrary. God, religion, relationships, math, cooking, driving. ANTYHING. I always doubt. At least a little bit. At least subconsciously.

I told her that it's helped being in therapy with her, because in the past, it was really tiring having all of these interior dialogues with myself over what I should and shouldn't do. What I should and shouldn't believe. And now that I've been with her and she's trying to get me not to worry so much about everything, I don't. But the thing is, now it's in the form of TWO voices in my head. The original, fighting with itself to doubt. To worry. To wonder and question. Then I realize what's happening, and another voice pops in and reminds me that this is ridiculous, pointless, and time consuming, and to shut up. Of course, that voice has to shout out and rationalize with the other one to make it shut up. So I worry less in the end, but I spend twice as much time coming to the conclusion not to worry.

Is there really such a thing as healthy? I wonder sometimes. I really do. Best not to think on it, and just try.

Betcha didn't know that my local phone provider has no less than FOUR patents pertaining to their bills? Not their service or phones or what-not. But to their BILLS that they send out.

I am secretly afraid that the doctors were wrong, and I may have diabetes. My hands fall asleep all the time these days. I don't have my sugar crashes that often anymore, but I think that's mostly because I'm good about eating as soon as I feel hungry. My mother has diabetes, and her father had it before her.

She brought this up when we talked last week. She was worried about some stuff that I kind of just shrugged off, because I was pretty much aware of it already, on some level. She's afraid that the longer we wait, the harder it will be for us to conceive. Or the worse it will be on me. I couldn't believe what she said. "You're going to have diabetes 10 years from now, just like me." Not "I think you will" or "This might happen if you're not careful", but "You WILL get this". Eek. Plus, she read some study that it's harder to conceive once you pass your late 30's. I turn 30 in January.

I told husband 2-3 years ago that by 30, I wanted to start working on making a baby, or be in school. I'm going to school. I'm not worried about the idea of some general timeline for conceiving that women's bodies may have. But I am starting to fear the one my specific body might have.

Because it just hit me that I most surely don't want to have diabetes and get pregnanat. Isn't that what happened to Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias? Plus, there's the whole matter of my menstruation. How fucked up and painful it is. How no one knows what causes it to be so fucked up. I've even had an ultrasound, with nothing found. And what's starting to freak me out is what it could be. Because my sister had a cancer scare, and last week she found out that she has HPV. Totally on the non-scarey side of things that can go wrong "down there".

And I remembered how when I was in college, they handed me a pamphlet on something that had initials. I swear it was PID, pelvic inflammatory disease. They said that I had it, and it wasn't a big deal. That they could give me a shot to make it go away whenever, but since it wasn't doing anything bad, and I wasn't trying to get pregnant, I didn't have to get the shot yet. So I looked up PID on webMD. This was somewhere around 6-8 years ago. WebMD did not paint a pretty picture of some syndrome that's completely benign and just sits there until you decide you want to start conceiving and then you go get a shot.

It said to take antibiotics right away. That it's one of the leading causes of infertility in women. That it's actually a symptom, it's scarring of the fallopian tubes, caused by some other infection. Basically, any kind of infection could have caused it. So they want you on antibiotics right away, to get rid of the infection.

Um. Yikes! What the hell??? I've been on antibiotics for other reasons since then. Is that why none of my doctors since have mentioned this? Why it didn't come up when I was going to get my ultra sound.

I don't know. My body is so fucked up, I pretty much just ignore it now, since that seems to be what the doctors want to do. It's just... what if I'm already infertile? Or I'm on my way? I've always wondered about it, since in my first sexual relationship we didn't use condoms religiously, but instead he "pulled out" sometimes. I don't think I *ever* used a condom in my second sexual relationship. We either used the "pull out" method or not. Yep, no birth control. And I never got pregnant.

I hate this damn body. I hate doctors. When are they going to develop the machine that scans your whole fucking body for EVERYTHING in one shot??? Huh?

Is it wrong to crave pizza rolls? Like evil wrong? Those things in the frozen pizza section of the grocery store by Tony's or Tostitos or (sorry, that was chips...) or something like that. Little bite-sized envelopes of totally soggy, mushy "pizza". More like a squire of tomato paste, a dab of cheese, a sliver of green pepper, and about a finger-nail sized smear of meat-based product spread. Doesn't that sound *good*??? No? Well, for some god-awful reason I'm craving it. I really don't like that stuff, but now I want some. Maybe I'm fertile and pregnant afterall. NOT.

home now, and just talked to JP. She called to thank me for emailing her earlier today. I worry about her, y'know? More than just worrying about where our relationship is, I actually do worry about her. So we talked. She mostly talked about this trial she's preparing for. Her first. Her word for herself is "freaked". She's so cute when she gets stressed. It was very weird though, because she says that she has insecurity problems. That she feels insecure and depressed and thinks that nobody likes her and she has to work to make people like her and so has to make everything perfect. How crazy. She sounds like me. And when I see her in action, she seems nothing like me. Beautiful and calm and perfect and commanding and in charge. I've known for awhile that she can be nervous and "freaked", and I think that makes her "cute" and charming. But I didn't know it was to this level. That she actually feels unsure of herself alot. That she goes home and whines to her husband "nobody likes me." How freaking bizarre. How can we be so different, and so much the same?

So I told her about that. That it's weird to hear her saying things like that, which sound so much like me. But even odder is the fact that she doesn't come across that way. I told her that in outward appearances, she always seems calm and confidant, and everyone seems to like her. She was like, "really??" And I was like yah, don't you remember the reunion? She was acting like the social butterfly, introducing her husband to everyone, striking up conversations with everyone, so happy and in love. But a couple of times she came over to me and announced how nervous and unsure of herself she was, not knowing enough people in the room, not knowing who she should talk to next. But she looked great despite, so she went off and tried again.

Weird, weird, weird.

Anyway, it was nice to talk to her. She thanked me for being her friend, said it was nice, and that we need to get together more. I said I thought so too, that it was frustrating that we don't see each other enough. We're going to try to hang 2 weekends from now. It's kind of odd, because for the longest time I've been feeling like I'm a crappy friend for not calling, and now I'm realizing that she feels like a crappy friend for being so busy that she doesn't call or do stuff with me. Is it bad that this makes me feel better? I'm not filled with glee or anything, but it's kind of nice to be on more even footing.

I remember there was a time in high school, actually, most of highschool, where I had a giant chip on my shoulder that noone knew about. Is it a chip if noone knows about it? I've never understood that term fully. Anyway, after evil experiences in junior high after moving up here from hawaii in the 8th grade, I was determined to prove that I was just as good, IF NOT BETTER, than the rich, pretty, snobby set. And I didn't need to do much to prove it, except excel in the same classes as them. Of course, it made me feel better when something about my excellence was proclaimed publicly, but I didn't need it. I just needed to know that I was getting A's when they were getting their A's. Or, as I came to find out, their B's & C's.

And then I met JP. She was the first person who intimidated me in a long time. Because I got to know her. And she was nice and kind and good. And I liked her. And I was attracted to her kinda. Plus, she was super smart. So somehow, this meant she was better than me. Just like my husband. So it's been weird, feeling like she's better than me, and my husband's better than me. Leaving me to sometimes wonder why he's with me and not with her, forming the "Super Couple". So it's just kind of interesting that after all this time, she's just as nervous as me. Just as insecure and freaked about things and herself as I am.

It's shit to see her sad, but it's so nice to have more things in common.

ps: I really do think I'm losing my mind. I couldn't remember the term "self-confidence". Not only do I need to use my dictionary more often, but I need to somehow block up the wholes in this sieve I call a brain. Argh.

pps: does anyone read Andrews news section? A few of you (Kat, Gwen?) have broken older pages. There is a fix for this that you should read about, it's here.

ppps: I'm going to watch some anime. Is there anything that anyone recommends I watch that's available on DVD? Please post in my guestbook if you have any suggestions.

pppps: why no guestbook entries except from Gwen? I changed my layout and I totally dig it, but noone's been commenting. Oh, plus Leah. So if your name is not Leah or Gwen, post in the freakin' guestbook already!!! There are new questions to occupy you even!!!

ppppps: Gwen, I said that wrong on purpose. Sometimes, a little bad grammar is necessary in everyone's lives! All the other stuff though, I pretty much don't have the energy to go and correct, so feel free to hold anything else against me!!! : )