would the teenage me even recognize the adult me? i remember myself being so strong in high school. pulling myself up by the bootstraps. (i hate that phrase). i single-handedly decided to rise above my home life, my social status, and claim more for myself. to be as good or better in school than the rich snobs. to stand alone against the world & not give a shit.

where did that strength go? i think that all along, it was a facade for my frailty. my uncertainty. but at least i had the facade.

i don't know how to be the strong one anymore. husband is having a horrible day. he is thinking that his decision to stay with the company was wrong. i need to be strong for him, but all i can think of is my need to crawl into the corner and ball. i hate my job. i hate his job. why can't we be happy? what's wrong with me? why can't i be the strong one for once?

i love the anita blake books, but a recurring theme/scene in them is of Anita losing her mother, and resenting her father for the way he acted immediately upon hearing the news. she recounts that her father fell apart, kind of lost his mind, and her 6 year old self had to walk to her grandparents to get help. something like that. in another book, she attends a funeral for a man whose wife loses it in front of everyone, including her children, and tries to throw herself on the coffin. anita is completely disgusted with the woman's lack of control, thinking that she should be strong for her children. in yet another book, anita & edward march their monster- & bad-guy-killing ways into the life of suburban america, and when the plain-jane that edward is dating loses it, anita tries to rip her a new one for doing so in front of the kids. the woman just had her life threatened by mobsters, and anita is faulting her for going a little sobby.

i love laurell k. hamilton & anita blake to death. but adults were once children. and some of us never grow up. never know how to deal with loss. and the ones that *do* kno how to deal with loss? how the fuck did that happen? what's more human? to lose it when someone you love dies, or to keep it together in a cold facade so your children can learn that death is just another one of life's adventures? people cry, people go a little nuts sometimes. it's not the end of the world.

but dammit if i don't feel like a "faulty typewriter" every time i cry. my shrink says that my childhood made me the way i am, unable to cope properly in my adult life. maybe she's right. i'm just tired of falling apart at the drop of a hat. when will i be put back together? when will i be able to be the strong one again? do i even dare want kids if i can't hold it together while my husband questions his future? i thought i was doing pretty good because suicide never enters my brain any more. now i wonder, maybe i need to be even stronger than that. i mean, i know i do. but i don't know how to get there. so does that mean the rest of my life has to go on hold until i figure it out??

i wish i could take the summer off. i'm tired of panic attacks. i'm tired of feeling my heart race and my stomach churning when i remember Sunday night means Monday morning at work. Or tuesday night or thursday.

i'm sick of being sick.

frosted mini-chex are fucking good.

on another front, i'm feeling quite pissed off at the woman who runs a site that i'm addicted to. she runs a very cool site that has graphics & pre-built layouts, plus html help and a cool forum for people to get together & talk. and every time i turn around, she's ranting abut someone or something. like the entire planet revolves around her, everything she thinks is right, and everyone else is wrong. she gets really pissy about people "stealing" her designs. you know what her designs are? re-colored images of anime drawn by real illustrators. i added a section to my personal website where people can grab backgrounds and use it for their websites without linking to me, because i know the art isn't mine. this woman believes everything she puts on her site is *hers*. ok, fine, she touched it up, whatever. i'll give her her due if i use her stuff & be done with it. then she has the balls to say that people who have anime archives are shits for not crediting the original artists, and she does, and she despises people for removing the copyright from original art. what, what, what??? these colored images have no copyrights from teh original artists! she doesn't list ANYWHERE the artists of the manga or anime that she uses in her layouts! she says she RESEARCHES where her images come from, so what she's doing is RIGHT and everyone else is STEALING. Um, if you're researching, where the fuck is your listing of artists who contributed to all this shit? GAWD, she is SUCH a BITCH

and finally, today was the worst. her forum used to have a board where you could advertise your website. she took it down because people were abusing it. whatever. but then she goes on to say that it's rude to advertise graphics sites, because she's a graphics site, and Coke doesn't go to Pepsi's website and advertise coke. so not only is she going to take down the advertisement board, she doesn't want anyone to advertise their personal websites in their signatures if they have a graphics site. so if i keep my cute little banner that i made to link people to my FREE backgrounds, I get banned from her site! JESUS H. CHRIST. What is wrong with this woman? Of course Pepsi & Coke don't use each other's space to advertise - they PAY MONEY and EARN MONEY from their formulas. But the web? Hasn't she ever heard of affiliates? When you go to a clip art page, you find links there for a dozen other clip art pages. When you go to an anime archive, they are affiliated & linked to a bunch of other archives. The web is generally a FRIENDLY place where people like a site they visited, and tell their friends to go there and check it out too.

I have a graphics site, and I point to her fucking site in my links! What is WRONG with this woman? She fucking pisses me off. What a bitch. It does not help things that this morning someone accused me of stealing from this bitch's site. I would quit and never go back, but she has really great stuff, and it's a nice community. I just wish she didn't have to play Queen Bee 24/7 and dictate how we all run our lives.

That's not even the worst. I forgot I was going to mention this. A few weeks ago, I was chatting in this woman's forum, and found some posts of a girl threatening suicide. I totally freaked out, contacted a suicide prevention line for advice, adn emailed this woman who runs the site that she please contact the authorities to try and get them to help the girl, and let me know what happens. Did she ever respond to me? No. For all I know, she didn't contact the authorities or talk to the poor girl who was so troubled. I was really pissed about that. If shit like this happens on AOL or someone puts their kidney up for sale on eBay, there's a big who-hah about it. But this woman thinks she has no responsibility for her Forum when people go there crying out for help???? God, I really am thinking now that she's evil. I mean, it's possible she did something, but would it have fucking killed her to tell me? Even if it's just to say "chill", I'm taking care of it? Geez. I wish I could poke her in the eye. I know I would feel much better then. POKE!!! Grr.

everyone should try vanilla coke. it is yummie & quite addictive.

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