<< - >>

#278 - some dreams & other stuff
06/14/02 @ 2:11 pm

I had strange, bad dreams last night. First, I dreamed that I was going to this Olympic competition, and my friend in real life was there, C. She was all pissy at me. She refused to talk to me. She looked *really* angry. She walked away when I tried to talk to her. Finally, I cornered her and asked her what was wrong. She said that she hated sports competitions and she didn't want me to go. I just couldn't wrap my mind around that. I could not get her to tell me why she hated them so much. She was basically saying that if I went, she wouldn't be my friend anymore. Finally, I asked her, "so if we were married, you would divorce me for attending this?" She got even MORE furious looking, and finally said yes. I was so pissed & frustrated & bitter & MAD, I just walked away. The thing was, we were already AT the event. I guess she was trying to get me to leave. I decided to leave the venue because I couldn't enjoy it anymore. There were 2 exits. One down an aisle right in front of me, but it looked like it led to a backstage area, where I knew I would be hassled by security and pointed back out, so I went to the other exit. But it was across on the other side of the room.

Turns out the event was some swimming event. In order to get to the other exit, I had to walk across the pool. I walked to the far end, and started to walk across the outskirts towards the exit. I got exactly half way through when one of the swimmers just STOPPED mid-competition and yelled at me! Then they all stopped and stared, and yelled, and heckled me! And so did the audience! I was dumbfounded! I told them I was sorry, I didn't know I was in the way, I was just trying to find the exit! I tried to run for the exit to get out of their way, but of course it was a dream, and it took FOREVER because I couldn't seem to do anything but walk REALLY slowly. ARGH!!!

When I left there, there was a snippet with my Mom & my Sister & them saying that Sis was going somewhere or doing something with C. and I got all pissed because she'd been so evil to me.

There was also a part about a really big self-serve McDonalds. mmmm... cherry pie....

Then there was another weird/bad part. Something about my house being invaded by bad guys, and there was a family hiding in the basement. Flash to another place, and I'm with this big family, and they want to have dinner at their favorite Italian restaurant. We show up and they want us to leave, because we're not supposed to know that they're being held hostage by the mob that's downstairs. But we're such good friends of theirs, they say we can eat in the attic, we just have to be quiet. It's weird when you're omnipotent & you know that they want you to be quiet because if you're found out to be there, the mob will kill you, but *you're* not supposed to know that.

So they go about fixing us food, and for some reason I was helping them. Maybe because I was omnipotent, I moved from being on the family's "side" in the dark, to the restaurant staff's "side" trying to hide what was happening.

I don't remember much else after that. But it reminds me a bit of the whole "Anne Frank" living in the attic thing. Did I mention that the SIFF opening film was a film called "Igby Goes Down"? There is a scene where he's hiding out at this chick's apartment, and when she sends away her "landlord", she calls to Igby, something like, "Anne Frank, Anne Frank, come out. The Germans have gone!" It was pretty funny. Maybe because she was being all witty, and yet she looked totally blas� about it, like she knew she was witty & she didn't care if you cared or not.

So, this year's SIFF has sucked. I went to just 2 movies that weren't the opening film, and I didn't like either of them. ARGH! But yesterday was kind of like going to the film festival, except more comfy: I rented some Indy film and watched it in my living room on the comfy couch. It's called "Drift", about a gay man in Los Angeles who has a relationship crisis, and then 3 possible scenarios of what could happen next are presented. This is becoming a popular theme in movie lately, but still manages to be intriguing each time I see a movie like it.

This was a really great film! I love gay movies. Don't get me started. I could rationalize it all day, and I still won't have even convinced *myself* why I like them so much!

It started out and I thought I would be disappointed, because it was filmed on Digital Video. Despite my boss thinking that is the greatest thing since sliced bread, I really don't like how digital video looks. I love big movies with their airbrushed stars and big budget special affects.

And can I just say that the guy who played Leo was unbearable. ARGH!!!!! Except, when we got to the 2nd ending and the 3rd ending. He was much better in those for some reason. The character didn't seem to be such an idiot, but also the actor seemed more genuine in the role, giving more feeling in his delivery of the lines.

But the thing that made the movie was the star. He had such a unique face. Looked Korean, I think. He seemed to have really big lips, like too big, but dreamy eyes, so I couldn't tell if I found him attractive or not. But once he smiled? DAMN. He was a cutie! I've seen someone smile like that before, and it's going to bug me forever if I can't figure out who it is... Maybe this ex-coworker who was Asian? He had the most adorable smile, his eyes going all crinkly. Yah, it must've been him. Do I think all Asians look alike? No. But their smiles remind me of each other.

Anyway, this guy was great. Yah. I hope he does more stuff. And I cried. At the oddest time. Long, long ago, when I first started writing this diary, I know I brought this up. Two years ago I was reading my favorite books for the first time, the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series. And when I got to... Book 5 I think, when Anita & JC finally do it, the scene was so passionate, and I felt there was no passion in my life at all, except for this man at work that I was madly in love with and he didn't know. And I was sobbing as I finished reading the scene. It really fucked me up. Soon after that, I came the closest I've ever come to trying suicide.

Anyway, there was a scene in this movie, that was so passionate, so real, I felt the exact same way. Completely overcome. EXCEPT, I realized I *do* have this in my life. And I was so happy and so relieved, I cried more! It was a very odd experience. Sex scenes can make me cry. Isn't that weird???

Anyway, you should all rent it for that scene. And to see this guy smile. He's so cute when he smiles!!! I'll leave ya guessing which sex scene I'm talking about, because by the end of the movie, everyone's slept with almost everyone else! Post in my guestbook if you figure it out!

Two days ago I dreamed that we had the most incredible baby girl. She was perfect and adorable and we were so happy. We were talking about naming her, because I wasn't sure if the name I'd picked out would suit her. But she was so beautiful. Then, the next day in the dream, I realize that I seemed to have lost a day. And during that day, no one had checked on the baby. I got the most horrible feeling in my stomach. I had forgotten about my baby. The baby had been left sleeping in a drawer (fairy tale imagery???), and no one had fed or checked on her in 24 hours. But what was worse was that when I finally went to check on her, she was gone! My mother was there, and she started yelling at me. She couldn't believe I had forgotten the baby! I told her that I'd spent the last 9 months carrying the baby everywhere with me, I just forgot that I wasn't pregnant anymore & that now there was something outside of me to take care of! But you know how the dream ended? This is kinda funny. The guy who plays Luke Skywalker had his own "Walker Texas Ranger" TV show, and he rescued the baby and delivered it safely back to us. DON'T ask.

And then yesterday we went over to a friend's house to meet the new baby of other friends. I guess all babies kinda look alike, but this baby kinda looked like the baby in my dream. Not exactly though. But that's why I was so surprised when I asked how old the baby was, and they said 4 months, because I had just dreamed about a newbord and it had been just as big!

Actually, being over there was kind of weird. I was jealous about everything. I was jealous of JP's house. I was jealous of BB's baby. I was jealous that JP is such a natural with babies & children. And the hardest, coldest jealousy was when she was laying on the lawn holding the baby above her, and my husband walked over and laid down next to her and she passed the baby to him.

They suddenly looked like the perfect couple with the perfect baby. I felt jealous and amazingly insecure. I took pictures, because it was so cute, but everytime I would pan back and see them laying next to each other so that the three of them were in one shot, I kept wondering why the hell he'd married me & not her.

I am freaking out more & more about our relationship. I'm scared to death that one day he's going to say he's not in love with me anymore. Now that I've finally got my shit together, I'm convinced he's going to dump me on my ass. I guess part of me assumes the universe likes irony. Plus, I'm fucking paranoid as hell.

Somebody smack me!!!!!

last - next