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#270 - Everyone's a rat-bastard when you have a migraine.
04/11/02 @ 10:06 pm

Everyone's a rat-bastard when you have a migraine. They all want to turn left at a light with no arrow. Bastards. Then they try & kill you. Rat-bastards.

I have this odd sense of almost-peace, which is called "heavily-medicated" to most of you out there in the real world. It means that I had a migraine at work, and not content to take the rest of the afternoon off to sleep through it, I took a big dose of ibuprofen combined with a normal dose of Excederin. Then I laid down in my office for 15 minutes with the lights off. It feels very strange now. The best way to describe it is that it seems to still be *capable* of hurting just as much, but it won't until I move my head or open my mouth or look at something bright. Only it doesn't happen. It doesn't get worse. So I keep constantly cringing. And moving slowly in anticipation of the gong/mallet combo errupting in my head. It's actually more like every second, it tries to break through a thin-web of relief, so I want to cry, but almost instantly it is tucked away behind the barrier of pseudo-relief and I wonder for a split second why I wanted to cry. Then it almost-hurts again. Anyway, it's very strange.

Boss-lady recommended trying to get my dentist to prescribe me a night-guard again. Long story short, I clench & grit my teeth often, esp. at night, but my dental insurance will not cover a night guard unless I have severely damaged my gums. They did not think I had enough gum-damage, so coverage denied, & I didn't feel like plunking down over $400 for it. But migraines are a notorious symptom of teeth-grinding, BossLady is a walking testimonial of this. I am going to ask my dentist to try again. I hereby solemnly swear to neglect my gums until the fucking insurance covers a night-guard. It may not come to that though, since we changed dental insurance providers last month. Wish me luck.

Um, lots of thoughts on my mind about babies & children and school & taking care of other people's kids & teaching them & whatnot. Sweetie is still not ready for children, so even though the "pregnant in my 30th year" is a ways off, I'm not going to seriously think about that anymore. It kept sneaking in yesterday though. Very happy thoughts. I told myself to stop the happy thoughts, to spend 24 hours trying to picture my life back in school instead, then I could spend 24 hours with pregnancy/baby happy-thoughts. But there are so many more issues with a baby.

I am going to discuss babies with shrinkie-dink next week. I want to get her take on how serious my depression is right now, and what affect that would have on pregnancy and raising a child. I think I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago or two years ago, and especially 3-5 years ago, but there is still so much room for improvement. It would be nice if the roller-coaster didn't dip quite so low quite so often, you know? It's not *that* low, but it's still a big dip.

But I'm going to try and put it out of my mind for now, and think about school. More aptly, teaching, and is that what I want. Will that make me happy? Happier anyway? I think so. I really do.

I am greatly intimidated by the application process. So much so that although my original epiphany was to teach kindergarten, I have changed my goal to try out preschool instead. Because the State of Washington requires a teaching certificate, which you can only receive from an accredited University. None of the community colleges offer these programs. It's a racket, a conspiracy, between the Universities & the State to get as much money out of prospective teachers as possible. Probably to get them used to the idea of eating ramen every day in order to make rent, since teachers here can't even afford to live in the districts that they teach. Unfucking believable, that with the severe teaching shortage we have here, teachers are still paid squat, and the schooling requirements are so severe. I think teachers should be prepared, schooled, & back-ground checked, but why does a University and it's expensive Graduate programs have to rule this process???

Anyway, I have no desire to apply to the UW at this time, despite them being my alma-mater (?sp). Because I got sucky grades and seriously wondered if I would qualify for graduation. Because I have no references from past teachers. Because I have no references from experience with children. Because I have no desire to take the GRE because I can't remember a lick of algebra or geometry. Because it has been almost 10 years since I've taken an actual math class.

So Sweetie thinks I'm settling. I think I'm being realistic, that smaller kids are just as fun, that they are at a great stage of developement to have a large impact on them, and that it might be better job-wise because NSCC states that their graduates can be picky at choosing an employer because of a shortage in the daycare teaching market.

But I am still intimidated. Because although the application process will be easy as pie (no testing requirements before acceptance & no request for recommendations), the Early Childhood Education department wants to meet with people interested in their program BEFORE you apply. Eeek! I am so shy and bad at meeting people!!!!!!! Last year, I checked this out when my epiphany first occurred to me. I sent off an email to the head of the department because that's what NSCC's website said to do. And like an excited-puppy, rabid-dog, he instantly responded that we should get together to talk over my prospects. Yikes!!!!!!! I have checked, and the same guy is the head of the department, and they still want meetings before applications, and I'm scared to death this guy will remember me and think I'm a flake! So what do I do, say I didn't flake, but I kind of had a crisis of mind? erm... hehe? um... yah? ::deflated sigh::

Here is some ramblings on my thoughts on what I should say:

It started as an epiphany. A vision that despite my previous fears while in college, I now believe it would be exciting to teach. I think I could learn and help others learn. As a teenager, I didn't like children very much. Sibling do that to you, I guess. But they've grown on me over the years. Especially the little ones, and their capabilities to learn and develop and acquire new skills. So I thought about teaching kindergarten, and my heart soared. I still have other fears, so instead of trying my hand at the University level application process, I thought about preschool teaching. Almost the same age group. And so much going on in their mental developement!!!

So I checked out the offerings at NSCC, and found alot to convince me that, at least at NSCC, there are great programs to learn how to teach people wanting to go into daycares & preschools! Unlike the cold admissions process and description of the programs at the UW for teaching, NSCC seems quite friendly and willing to give me a chance, and the Early Childhood Education program seems eager to meet with me!

Then when I found out that there is a daycare onsite, and that part of the learning experience is to work directly with the kids, I was sold. I tend to worry about new experiences, but this sounds so exciting to me! Interacting with small children and the height of their developement sounds so intriguing, stimulating, and fun.

I don't have alot of experience with young children. I've never babysat in my life. But I grew up as the oldest of my siblings & most of my many cousins. Now that I'm an adult, I've spent quite alot of time with my husband's school-aged cousins, and have become very close to our neices, one of whom was just 4 when I met her.

I also have alot of enthusiasm for working with young children, having taken a childhood development course in my UW psychology program. Pre-elementary aged children are still learning language skills, are just learning how to be social, and are at the easiest stage in their lives to learn and remember new things. I want very much to be part of the process of giving knowledge, values, and skills to children. I am keenly aware of how much teachers have affected me in my life, and would love to become an important part of other children's lives.

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