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#271 - evil state-sponsored conspiracies
04/16/02 @ 2:16 pm

I am not in a very happy place right now. Despite Sweetie wanting to wait until Fall quarter for me to go to school so we can save as much money before then as possible, I am severely tempted to start things up Summer quarter. Because I think I'm going fucking nuts where I am right now.

I bugged out from going to work this morning because of ANOTHER fucking migraine. I have been up and migraine-free for the last hour, and I can't seem to pick my ass up and drag it to the shower to go to work. I'm in a horrible mood, especially since tooling around the internet.

Sweetie wanted me to check out the UW's program again, and I did. Jesus Christ, what is WRONG with these people??? The last time I looked up their requirements, I SWEAR TO GOD that the only mention of previous experience in classrooms was a way to waive other requirements, NOT A REQUIREMENT ITSELF. But guess what's at the end of the requirements page? Yep, I must somehow have at least 60 hours of classroom experience, PREFERRABLY in a group situation, in order to even FUCKING APPLY to the Teaching Certificate program at the UW. WHAT THE FUCK??? Are these people nuts? Don't they know there's a teacher's shortage? That teachers aren't paid enough here to keep them here? To keep them in this state? Let alone to let them live in the districts they teach????? I wish I could shit on the heads of the people in this vast conspiracy between the State of Washington & the State Universities for their monopoly on certifying teachers. It's fucking idioting and a disgrace to make it next to impossible to become a teacher in this state without going broke, pulling out all your hair, developing an ulcer, and suffering from multiple anxiety disorders. FUCK!! Grr!!!!!!!

So pre-school education it is! And I have contacted the Seattle School district about volunteering. So I can stop twiddling my thumbs and have something to look forward to during my time at work other than breaks to eat and surf the net. Dammit. *sigh* I need something. Almost anything. To shake things up. I'm sick of it.

Last night I had a horrible dream. Actually, it was this morning around dawn, and I kept waking up shouting at my co-worker, then I would slip right back into the argument and wake myself up again shouting something else. My husband was NOT pleased. The argument? That I was not worthy of my job and the lax attitude my employers give me towards my need to have time off. Somehow my galpal coworker didn't seem to understand the concept of being part time, and was ragging on me to the Boss Lady about how useless I was because I come in late. So she couldn't find some damn information she needed when she needed it. And I started screaming that my job doesn't have any time requirements like that: I just enter bills that need to be paid 2-3 weeks after they're entered, for god's sake! Turns out someone else had fucked up an order and somehow they were blaming it on me that the correct price for the item wasn't in the system. What-EVER!!!

And you know what that is? Despite my fears that I do think my galpal thinks less of me because I'm part time, that argument was with MYSELF. Because I look on my inability to commit to 9 to 5 hours there as a failure. A failure on my part to dedicate myself to my job and my employers and my co-workers. I try not to. I try to listen to the things that my shrink says, that this is not a failure, that how am I supposed to be able to commit to something I get no enjoyment from? No, that's not exactly what she says. It's more, I don't really like my job, so it's no wonder I'm not happy there and I seem unable to put in a full day there. But that that's no reason to think that I won't be able to put in a full day at some place that I like. And that I'm not a failure for not making something I don't like work.

She tells me that I am not a failure. And I find it hard to believe her. At least subconsciously. Grr. My employers have been so nice to me and so understanding of my problems over the past year, I feel that I should be able to work within these new hours to fix myself and give them a brand-new, full-time, fully-capable, brilliantly put-together employee for them in return. And I haven't. Instead I'm counting the days, hours, and minutes to when I can set out on the path to leaving and starting a new career.

I will not let myself think I am a bad person for THAT though. Not for wanting more. Because this possibility, this new goal, it's something GOOD. For me and for the public, for my community. And part of me is afraid that when I tell them of my plans, instead of letting me continue part time, they'll just fire me. And I tell myself, so what? I'll find something else. And part of me is still afraid. So afraid of losing them. But another part, a tiny part, wants them to fire me, so my soul can fly, no SOAR away from there. And find something else to earn a little money while I'm in school. But I'll have finally cut the ties to the fucking anchor holding me back.

I just wish I could do a little soaring right now, and not have the feeling eaten away by obligations to my current employer. I keep reminding myself that I don't actually hate my job, I kinda like it sometimes. And then I get to go home and have my own life. And plan the new one. So what's the big deal???? I don't know.

So I cross my fingers I'll follow through on this volunteerism thing. Because maybe putting my pinkie-toe into the waters of the new path (god, was that a mixed metaphor!) with make me feel a little better, better enough to stick with the current plan to earn some money to better afford my future. OK? OK, ruined, crumbling psyche? Geez, pull yourself together already! Grr.

I miss teachers. I just realized that. Because my favorite high-school teacher had this thing about sports metaphors. And bad ties. And I miss him. Teachers were the most important thing in my development, the most positive thing. I can't believe I had forgotten that, in my excitement to work with students. That I really want to be around teachers again. I need to look into how to become a teacher's aide, I think. I think that would be kinda nice. As long as I don't get a lead teacher as bitchy as Gwenllian to send me home in tears every night! Snicker. No, really. Shout-outs to Gwen, for being a doll, a lovely, adorable doll, for all of her advice, hope, and common sense talk in this area. She is the best!!! I hope that bitchy woman who tormented her becomes very sorry one day for making such a good person's life so much harder to deal with. Poo on evil teacher's aides. Grr.

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