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#269 - riding the downward slope on the depression rollercoaster
04/10/02 @ 9:21 am

So the last 2 weeks or so have seen me riding the downward slope on the depression rollercoaster. Overly tired, confused about my life, compensating my moods with food. Lusting for home at work, then being bored when I finally get there.

Then yesterday in the shower, it occurred to me that I am 29. I will be 30 next year. Holy Shit. I start thinking of people I know who are over 30 to calm me down, which brings up my sister-in-law & her happy family. When BAM!, it hits me. Next year I'll be 30. I had promised myself that I would either be in school or pregnant in my 30th year.

Let me tell you, anxiety only adds fuel to the depression fire. Crap.

Then last night Sweetie & I are talking about money, and whether to finally pay off my high-interest credit cards or to start a down-payment fund. We *really* want a house. And WHAM!, he says, "What about school? Don't you have to apply soon for the Fall?"

Huh? I am flabbergasted. Is he fucking psychic??? We go to bed, and I lay there in his arms and talk about how this has been a bad few weeks. And I'm not sure about school. Because I'm afraid. Afraid I'll still be depressed & fuck it all up. I'll have wasted time & energy & money to become a teacher, only to find out I am still just as depressed, only now I'm in a social job where depression just *can't* affect my job. And I'll be fucked. I tell him that Shrinkie-Dink said not to worry about this. That I'm unhappy with my job, and I can't be expected to be happy there, and there's no reason to think I will be just as unhappy at a new line of work. My response to this is that I'm not depressed about my job. I'm just depressed period. What if a change in jobs doesn't change that?

Talking to him about this doesn't change things, but it makes me feel better to have aired my concerns and been in his arms.

Then WHAM!, I dream about having a baby. I dream about how the labor is quick and there's almost no pain. In reality, I am deathly afraid of giving birth - to the point that we have seriously discussed adoption. And then I dream about her. Yes, her. My baby is a girl. Because in real life I don't like men, I don't understand little boys, and I am actually afraid of what will happen if I have a boy. To the point where we have seriously considered going to a lab in New Jersey that does sex selection of embryos. And girls are easier to sex select than boys for some reason.

In my dream, she is perfect, with blonde hair and blue eyes. In real life, I want her to have brown hair, in the hopes that she will match the Hawaiian name I have created for her. In the dream, her blonde hair is tinted slightly red, like a strawberry blonde. And I name her with her made-up Hawaiian name, and I know that she is perfect and we will love her and we will be happy and she will grow up to be perfect and happy.

Back to reality, What the fuck??? As if my life wasn't complicated enough, trying to figure out how to deal with this depression. Now I have more choices to make? More things to ponder how to fit into my life? FUCK!!!

But maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me that if I do one of these things, I'll be happier? So then I have to wonder, which one? Door #1 or Door #2?

Isn't that the definition of life?

PS: can anyone explain why, when I'm ripping mp3s from CDs, that my DVD drive in my G4 decides to spin down to a halt when I click out of SoundJam into another program? This entire entry, I've watched the speed drop from 3.1x to nothing, and have been constantly clicking back into SoundJam to get it started again. What the fuck?!!!

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