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#264 - i hate my uterus
03/18/02 @ 12:02 pm

Bah Humbug, what a crap day. I feel like crap. What's new? Bleck. Grr.

I have had interesting dreams lately. Sex dreams, that is. Tuesday or Wednesday I had a dream in a familiar place. A strange aquarium that's featured in my dream one or two times before. Sweetie & I went there with some friends. The four of us ended up making out in the car. It was very cool. Me & Sweetie were in the front seat, PS (the guy we had the 3-way with) was in the backseat with one of our upstairs neighbors (another friend of Sweetie's from high school). I closed my eyes and they all three kept touching and kissing me, until I no longer knew whose touch was whose. And then I came and we collected ourselves and went on with exploring the aquarium.

Then Friday night I had a fabulous dream about Heather. Except she was kind of a mix of Heather and my best friend JP. I've mentioned this to Sweetie a few times, but I'm kind of attracted to JP, which normally isn't a problem, but on rare occassions can be frustrating. Like when I combine her character with the girl I've had a crush on since I was 12. We were in Hawaii (surprise!), and we were at her place, and we started some heavy-duty making out and rubbing of intimate places together until we were quite hot 'n' heavy. Then we stopped. And talked. Or something. Then at some point someone peaked into the bedroom window, & I yelled at them to stop staring at my girlfriend. Heather turned to me and asked skeptically if I thought she was my girlfriend. Red flags up everywhere, I avoided her question and said that to rude peeping-toms, yah, she was my girlfriend and I would protect her. But Heather continued to say that this didn't mean anything, and what about Sweetie? Had I really broken up with him just to be with her? Because she didn't think she wanted anything like that. I remember I got sad, and said that's not why we broke up. Anyway, the making out was fun.

Last night, I dreamed about PS again. Something about him being back in town and us having a little party for him. And, of course, when the two of us are alone, I started coming on to him. That's *always* how it works, because that's how I remember our "relationship": me being desperate and constantly making a fool of myself. And, yep, I did it again. He mentioned his baby, and I was stunned. Turns out he has a kid about a year and a half years old, and my didn't *that* scare me off. Yah, it was a strange dream. I really wish I'd stop dreaming about him.

I know why I have been. Something about him or the "relationship" with him reminds me of R. And I can't stop thinking about R. lately. I haven't discussed it here or with anyone, because I've been trying a system of just turning it off as soon as it occurs, but he keeps popping into my head. Because his birthday's less than 2 weeks away now. And I always told myself that maybe I would be ok talking to him as a person instead of a sexual object by his birthday. I figured that would be plenty of time, just over a year after we met. Apparently, I was wrong, but I can't stop thinking about him. It's not even that I want to jump him or anything. It's just that I can't get him out of my head. I can't seem to keep from missing him at odd moments when I'm not expecting it. I still can't use ICQ because that cute little "meow" sound sends a searing pang through my heart every time. And for the first time in my life, I wish so hard that I had never done something. Because I totally fucked it up. We could have been great friends, and instead we just couldn't keep our "hands" off of each other and it was ruined forever. I need to just keep telling myself that, and never talk to him again. But that pisses me off.

So I think about PS subconsciously. So this morning I was thinking, hey, maybe in a few weeks I'll be over obsessing over R. because his birthday will come & go, then I'll stop thinking about PS. Except, *wham*, it hit me. Sweetie's 10 year reunion is this summer. And PS may or may not attend. With or without a kid. And *that* would be fucking weird. WEIRD. So, another 4 months of obsessing over that thought. Yippie. Not.

You know what's funny? Morons who get our answering machine, where we clearly identify ourselves, and they go ahead and leave a message for "Shannon" anyway. Who the FUCK is Shannon??? Don't you have ears? I'm not Shannon, my husband is not Shannon. Our cat isn't Shannon! And none of us have a dental appointment!!! Sheesh! At least it's not a hang-up. We get about 3 of those a day from telemarketers, if not more. About 6 months ago, Qwest offered a free Caller ID box if you signed up for that service, & we said no. Within a week, we were getting about 10 telemarketer calls a day. I swear to GOD those fucks handed out our number to every calling list in the country just to convince us to get Caller ID!!! As if Qwest wasn't already a bunch of FUCKS. And 6 months later, we're STILL constantly hearing from telemarketers, far more than ever before. TELEMARKETERS CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES!!! Yah. Grr.

OK, this is a hopelessly lame entry. I'm sorry. I just wanted to do something distracting while I waited for my medication to kick in. I could skip work, but I'd rather not. Already had so much fucking time off this last month, it's ridiculous. Only thing is, it still feels like someone is SLOWLY slicing open my belly from the inside. Fuck.

You know what's funny? OK, not funny. But something. In Queen of the Damned the movie, Akasha was just portrayed as a fucking psycho who wanted "hell on earth". But in the book, she actually had a "dream". She wanted to end war by being a one-woman war. She wanted to kill 90% of the men on the planet, just keeping them around as studs to keep the population going. She would be Queen of the human women, not killing them. If I remember right, Lestat was pretty much just going to be her stud-muffin, which in the end probably pissed him off. Yes, Akasha was still fucked up, but at least she had a point to make!

Why did I think of this? Because I wish I did have those 3 boys to just service me every now and then, dammit. And feed me grapes & shit. And I could lay around all day doing nothing. And someone would cure cramps. Dammit. FUCK. Grr.

Oh. Saw Resident Evil Saturday. It was pretty good. Sweetie thought it would suck. It was definitely the best movie made from a video game! Milla Jovovich kicks ASS! So does Michelle Rodriguez, but but she wasn't allowed to look hot in this movie. And the movie did a pretty good job of raining down the shit, let me tell you. You knew they were FUCKED from pretty much the beginning. Once it stopped being so fucking mysterious and you had no clue what was going on. I haven't seen a good horror flick in ages, and this was pretty good. A little high on the blood, but it was damn good for a horror movie. I really appreciate good horror movies. They should be scarey, not bloody. The scariest fucking movies of all time are still John Carpenter's "The Thing" and "Alien". A great deal of blood in both of those, but they are SO scarey, they still get to me, 20 years later! Wow, I'm old. Damn.

Also saw "The Time Machine" two weekends ago but forgot to mention it. It was alright. The story was pretty good, up until the finale, when it finally made absolutely no sense. It wasn't an awesome movie, but it wasn't horrible. I heard the people in front of us calling it a really bad movie, but it wasn't. It was quite entertaining, and the Molochs were much scarier than in the first movie.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm supposed to be at work in 11 minutes. I haven't showered. My insides feel like I'm bleeding out. HA! I actually am! Grr... So how now brown cow???

Did I mention A.I. was the most fucked up movie ever? I wish we had rented Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back instead. Sweetie doesn't really like to watch movies more than once, while some movies I can watch over & over. I would really like to watch that one at least 1 more time. Funny though, Sweetie bought The Transformers movie on DVD this weekend. And watched it Saturday night. And since I have nowhere to use my computer that I can't see or hear the TV, *I* watched it too. I told Sweetie that I think we should trade, and HE should move his computer system out here, and *I* should get the computer room for a couple of weeks, so we can see how HE likes it when I play Muriel's Wedding for the 50th time and he has no way of escape except the bedroom. Ha! After we had watched out 90 minutes of animated robotic MUSIC VIDEO (Jesus Christ, did you know Weird Al has a song in there??? Every scene had it's own song!!!), I asked Sweetie why he insisted that Robot Jocks is still the worst movie ever, because *I* had just found a new one. He got very defensive. He's cute when he's defensive.

Oh yah. We had sex. It was good. I almost came during the foreplay. Almost. I'm telling you, that man can work his fingers. Mmm-mmm-good! Then there was much fucking and I did come, and all was right with the world. Good times.

Oh! Ian McKlellan (?sp) was on Saturday Night Live! He was awesome! I had no idea the man was so funny!!! Although, my favorite part didn't require alot of work from him. It was when he was pretending to be some Dame (in drag) being interviewed on the Weekend Update, & (s)he said that Ian should win Best Supporting Actor at the Oscars, and the guy interviewer, who's name I can't remember now, said, "Isn't he gay?" and the crowd busted up laughing. Soon after, the Dame exited, but not before soliciting a kiss from his interviewer for good luck. And it was a pretty good kiss. The crowd loved that! 5 minutes later, when the crowd was finally dying down, the guy just couldn't hold it in anymore and made some crack about the Dame needing a shave. The crowd took ANOTHER five minutes to get quiet. It was awesome.

Well, I need to be to work in 20 seconds. I should really come up with a plan, huh? How about cutting out my uterus. Has that ever worked for anyone? Any opinions? You know how to reach me...

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