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#263 - who spiked my corn pops???
03/15/02 @ 1:56 pm

"The camera adds 10 pounds..."
"So how many cameras are ON you?!"

Bleck. I hate being reminded of any way I am like my mother. Just now, I was once again forced to ask myself if I am becoming my mother. Because I chatted up a customer who didn't seem that interested, and I only noticed after I'd shut up. My mother does that all the time. She tells the checker her life story at the grocery store. It drives me nuts.

Then there is the ickiness factor. My mother has always had a weight problem, and over the years she has more often than not been very much obese. Like scarey obese sometimes. Not 400+ pounds or anything, but 200 lbs. hasn't been seen since her teens. And I scare myself sometimes, the way I'm heading in her tracks.

Currently, I'm hovering. Hovering right at my limit for getting completely disgusted with myself. But I don't gain any weight, so I just breathe a sigh of relief as I step off the scale. But we got our pictures from Las Vegas back earlier this week. Did I mention this? That I let my Sweetie take pictures of me undressing? Well, there's more fuel for the fire that is my question, "What the hell does he see in me?" There's one picture of me from behind, bending over, and it reminds me of my mother. Talk about waking nightmares. I want to go to the gym now more than ever.

So, yah, I hate thinking I could turn out like my mother in any little way.

It does not help that I dreamed about her. And dad. And everyone else. Something about moving to a new house without Dad. And forgetting the cat's litter box at the old place, so having to go out and buy a new one. And locking all the windows at night. And just as we did, we saw Dad outside. And he threw a rock through the window and tried to come in. I think he did come in. To fight with my mother.

I hate, hate, hate my father. When my sister was here, she was saying that Mom was finally going to leave the house. They were living in the same house, but not living together, ie: sleeping together. And then it got so fucked up, it's hard for me to keep straight. Basically, dad refused to pay for Mom's drugs, so she had to go to the hospital until her Medicare or whatever kicked in to pay for them. I don't know why dad was paying for them in the first place. I think she may have had job medical insurance that just switched off or something.

Good news is, my dad was supposed to leave for Hawaii last Saturday. Yep, my sister went back to take care of our teenaged brother, since Mom was in the hospital, and that would leave T. without an adult in the house. Isn't my father thoughtful? Thinking of these things before taking off? No, he's not. My sister had to find about his planned trip from a friend. He was just going to take off and leave T. there. Yay. I love my family.

The day my Sister was going to leave, she told me something horrible about dad that I'd never heard before, that for some reason she thought she'd told me, so she just slipped it into conversation without thinking. If ever I thought the man was a disgusting mother fucker, this proves it. He paid a 15 year old girl to have sex with him. Over something like a 3 month period. As if there weren't enough molestation and rape issues in this family, he has to go and bring some unknown girl into it with money. Sick, sick, sick. Sis told me the comedy (not) of errors that ensued when she tried to somehow put an end to this. Which included: a) the cops not doing anything; b) the girl's parents "loving" dad; c) the girl threatening my sister; d) my mother trying to beat the shit out of this girl for making that threat.

I just love my family. Not. Sis said that she felt something, some strong emotion, like pride or something, that Mom stood up for her like that. From what I know of Mom these past few years, I would probably feel the same way. My favorite story growing up was "two tables back". It involved my father taking the diaper money to go drinking. When I needed changing and mom ran out of diapers and had no money, she went to find him. She found him at a bar in the arms of two women. She hit him so hard, he flew two tables back. I always loved that story. If only he had learned his lesson then. Not that violence is ever the answer to anything, but my dad deserves a whole lot worse than one good punch from his wife. Something that would envolve hot pokers and genitalia. Yah.

Hate, hate, hate my family.

In other dreams, I have dreamed twice in the past week that I have removed the bandage from my tattoo and it's disappeared. I get very anxious when I'm forced to bandage it and later take it off. Always afraid something horribly magical will have gone wrong under the bandage. Yep, I'm fucking paranoid. Lay off. I was very surprised that I'm not supposed to bandage it for a few days. It's a fucking open wound, aren't you supposed to bandage those? The instruction sheet said to remove the original bandage after a few hours, and just keep putting on A&D ointment, then switch to "Tattoo Goo" after 48 hours. I do not like Tattoo Goo very much. It smells funny. And it stinged my tattoo the first time I put it on. But now that the tattoo has been good to me for the past 24 hours straight, I'm trying to stick to the goo & not go back to the A&D. I wonder why I even had to stop? Maybe they thought I'd run out and it's expensive? I don't know.

I'm rambling. I should be working.

BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!!! Mwahahahaha!!!

I'm just kooky today. It's a good thing I just discovered it's Friday. TGIF! TFIF! TNOBIF!!! YAY!!!

Did you know that Bananarama's "Cruel Summer" is in the Karate Kid? Do you know how I know that? Because I am a pathetic, pathetic human being. Ack.

Did you further know that over the past two winters, 3 separate poinsettias (?sp) have been pawned off on me to take care of by my employers? Yes, they just can't stop buying the damn things to decorate the office, then they forget to TAKE CARE OF THEM. They finally end up at my office, looking pathetic and emaciated. Betcha didn't know a plant could look emaciated!

Has someone slipped dope into my drinking water? Pot? I'm especially wacky and... bouncy today. I really need to get out of here before I do something impossibly weird and get fired... Listening to Brassy does not help.

I have to write a check to a company with "Fabricators" in their name. Do you think I'll get fired if I put something like this on their check: (they make shit up) or maybe (they make fake money) or maybe (they are compulsive liars). What do you call a fabricated lie? A lie lie?

Maybe I've had *too* much sugar today? I haven't had any caffeine this morning. Huh. Maybe I just want to get fired? Maybe I just really like the idea of jotting down EVERY little random thought that comes to me during the day. So you can all know just how fucked up I am. Yah.

Le Tigre was in town last night, dammit! I forgot to beg Sweetie if we could go. Then again, my money situation is kinda shitty. I think he would frown on me going to a concert. And he certainly wouldn't pay for something like that, a band he doesn't really like. Poo. Giant poo. Bah. Grand Poo Bah! Ack. Someone hit me. I can't shut my brain off.

Oh!!!! I completely forgot! A.I. is the most fucked up movie of ALL TIME. Yes, it is! I can't even begin to explain how fucked up it is. But Jude Law's character is a good start. Then there is David's maker. What a dufus. I knew *exactly* what David was going to do after that conversation with his maker wrapped up. Yep. Did not expect the ending, but they had to do *something* to make it even more fucked up than it already was! And, boy-howdy, did they succeed!!! FUCKED UP!!!

But I want Teddy. Even if he is pretty creepy at times. Like the first time you hear his voice. ::bad shivers::

You know what was a GOOD movie? The Mexican. I heard all sorts of bad shit about it, so we didn't go see it, or even rent it. But Sis watched it two weekends ago, and I sat down to check it out, and never got back up. For the next 48 hours, I could not stop pestering Sweetie that he had to see it because it was so good. James Gandolfini (?sp) is just fucking AMAZING. And Julia Roberts, as always, is stunning and wacky and perfect. And I really liked the fact that Brad Pitt finally played someone who wasn't completely self-confident and in control of everything. Plus, plot twists. Cool beans.

Danny DeVito is an odd little man. Ever noticed this? As if all the commercials for "The Heist" when it hit theaters weren't bad enough, now I have to suffer through them replaying them to get me to rent it. "Everybody wants money. That's why they call it money." OK, this makes NO FUCKING SENSE. All the other one-liners they use in the commercials are horrible too. Ick. Sweetie wants to see that, and I absolutely refuse, just on sheer principle that those one-liners are so fucking horrible.

But DeVito is going to be in a new movie about Barney. OK, about something that looks ALOT like Barney. It's called something like, "Kill Binkey", except whatever the fake-Barney's name is. And it stars Robin Williams as a psycho lunatic kid's show host. Hurray! I *love* Robin Williams when he's funny! He's ok at drama. Hated Mrs. Doubtfire though. Anyway, it will be nice to see DeVito in a *good* movie. He was pretty good in Jack The Bear, but I just couldn't finish that. Hard to finish a movie that's boring AND heart-wrenching.

Please, please, please let my brain shut-off now...

I just stumbled across something so sad & disheartening. At http://home.netscape.com/oem/apple/index.html there's a poll, "Should gay men and women be allowed to adopt?" No is currently winning 51% to 49% for yes. I was surprised. I thought the net was a little more liberal than that. But it's the message boards that were truly sad. Every note from anti-gay, and most were just plainly bigotted & full of errors and about AIDS of all things! The only pro-gay items I saw were just responses to these notes. The worst was the first one I read, saying it was a "health issue", and we shouldn't subject children to an environment where they can get AIDS. "Because it just takes 1 time without a condom for AIDS to make an appearance". I believe that's how it was phrased. Wow. Apparently the scientists are all wrong, and AIDS spontaneously appears in gay people when they have sex without a condom. It has nothing to do with whether or not there is AIDS or HIV actually present before the sex, apparently all gay people come down with this stuff when they have unprotected sex. WACKY!

And it just got more and more sad from there. About how "depraved" gay people are, preying on children. And how this is in revelations, I believe as a sign of the apocolypse or some such. I just had to quit reading when one person said that her children were never going to be allowed to play with children who have gay parents. That is so unimaginably sick and wrong and just paranoid and delusional and CREEPY. And so, so sad. Do you know there are still people out there that think gays should be locked up in institutions or sent to an island together to give each other AIDS and die off? Instead, I wish we could take all the people who think like that and shoot them through cannons at the sun. Or something. Some people can be so mean and cruel and STUPID. Because the priviledge of having children given to my parents when they married just worked out SO WELL. ick. ick. ick.

On another note, I'm glad that they're not going to kill Andrea Yates. Most people feel very strongly, even if they're uncomfortable with the death penalty, that she should die. But I've heard the recordings of things she's said, of what she was thinking at the time. That woman was completely out of her mind and delusional. One of the worst cases of post-partum depression ever. She should never be around children ever again. But what she did was so heart-breakingly sad for her, not just us, there's just no point in killing someone who already punished themselves more than we ever could. If there was some way to fix a person like that, then I'd even say she should be free to go live somewhere alone with her husband and grieve for the rest of her life. But there's nothing like that. No drug or surgery to correct her 100% to prove she'll never go psychotic again. So lock her up and keep her away from people. What a horrible tragedy for her husband. But I don't believe in killing someone as sad as that, who's already destroyed the thing they love the most.

You know what's really annoying? I subscribe to this daily news service that sends me news emails every day. In fact, 3 separate emails (annoying that they can't combine them). What I really hate is that they have "click here to read the fully story", and mostly just headlines. And only about 25% of these links work! Grr! This is especially bad today, since there was a headline about Gwen Stefani steppin' out. Erm, this BETTER NOT be true, or else then Gavin Rossdale is a free man, and I will have to dump my husband in hopes of fucking Gavin. And I'm quite happy where I am, thank you very much, and Gwen & Gavin are quite cute together, so I'd hate to have to get in the middle of all that. Yah.

mmmmmm.... gavin....

Well, I think I've wasted enough of my employer's time today. What do you think? hehe.

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