Isn't this the sweetest thing you've ever seen in your life? It's a photo Christmas card from some cousins. Cousins I've never met. And it's so beautiful.

Sweetie and I just had the most wonderful morning. He woke me up when he went to the bathroom, and I rolled into his arms when he came back, and he put his arm around me. We laid like that for awhile, and then there were some murmured words and some soft touches. Then I rolled over & shouted (ok, loudly demanded), "Spoon!"

When he rolled against me, I ground my butt into his crotch, and he started lightly caressing my back and side and breasts and away we went! It was hardly messy at all, which was a blessing. It's funny though, how once you're into it, you don't really give a damn if there's gonna be a mess or not, just as long as he keeps doing that. :)

Afterwards, we laid together for awhile and wondered why the cat hadn't demanded entry by now. Then we took our showers and as I was fixing my hair my mother called. More mixed emotions about family life. Sweetie & I had some interesting discussions about that during breakfast.

Then we came back and hung out for a bit on our computers, & then I grabbed him asked him to read Christmas cards with me. I positioned him on the couch so he could have his arm around me, and the favorite Christmas CD was playing, and we began to read cards, which is where we discovered the fabulous picture of his cousins.

Then he said he had to go, but I said no, let's read the holiday letter from my Aunt & Uncle. Why are holiday letters always so long??? But just as I was finishing up, and Lena Horne was wishing for snow, snow, snow, he started petting my hair. I kind of shivered and almost closed my eyes to somehow deal with the intensity of emotion that one simple gesture brought out in me.

So we sat there, and I leaned my head on his shoulder, and he continued to pet me hair. And he kissed my forehead a few times too. I asked him twice if anything was wrong, and he said no. So I just decided to accept this gift as it was. He hardly ever does this, so it made me wonder if he was sad. But if he wasn't, then I would revel. And that's when the tears started coming to my eyes.

Because he gives me the greatest gift every time I'm in his arms. He lets me know that he loves me, no matter what has come before or will come after, and he'll always be here with me. Our first Christmas together after the anti-depressants kicked in, I cried many, many times just because he held me. It had been awhile since he had elicited this response in me, but this morning I was very emotional during sex, wanting to say over and over how much I loved him. There was definite fucking instead of tender "making love", so I didn't want to ruin the mood for him, so I only said it once.

But there in his arms with his hands in my hair listening to Christmas music, I finally told him he'd better get going if he was going to go, because one more romantic moment longer, and I would have been a mess of tears! I tried to hold his baseball cap hostage so he wouldn't leave, but he outwitted me by washing his hair earlier so that he didn't need it. Bah, humbug, I say!

Anyway, he's at work, and buying presents for me too. He'll be home tonight and maybe we'll catch a movie or some dinner. Whatever, just as long as he comes home sometime and holds me like that soon. I love him more than anything in the world. Thanks be to whoever's out there listening. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

PS: despite Ursamajor's encouragement, which I deeply appreciate, there will be no house buying any time soon. It seems that the job market is worse for sweetie than I had thought. He says that he had explained to me about this before, and although I don't remember it, I believe him, because I've been doing a very good job this year of "forgetting" the things that weigh on my mind. He promises that as soon as he starts drawing a "regular" paycheck again, we will look for a house. Whatever happens, we have each other, so none of the rest of it matters. Merry Christmas everyone.

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