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#234 - heart like an elephant, mind like a sieve
11/26/01 @ 1:19 am

I told myself to just roll over and shut the fuck up and just go to sleep. But I write so rarely these days, any reason is a good reason to get up out of bed and write about it, right? So here's a treat for you guys.

My mind just wouldn't shut up. Thinking about the day's events. My strange emotions, and how I realized that maybe I got a bit panicky this afternoon because I had forgotten to take my anti-depressants since Thanksgiving day. Oops! How I adore my husband, and wanted to give him a blow job, but instead ended up getting so much better in return! How I kept rewording in my head how I could leave negative feedback for this dumbass on eBay. And finally, the thing that wouldn't let me go: that I felt guilty about putting quotation marks around the words "relationship" and "in love" in my entry when I mentioned R.

I feel guilty when I say things about him. To my husband. To my audience. I feel guilty that someone will get the wrong impression, and sometimes I wonder if that person is him. I wonder if I hurt his feelings with a few quotation marks. I wonder if he'll think that that means I doubt that what I felt at the time was real. When in fact, it was his wishy-washy denial of feelings that makes me put the quotation marks there. Because I doubt he thinks we even had a relationship. I doubt that he believes I ever loved him. I doubt that he would ever be hurt by anything I say now. Or that I said then.

And it makes me sad to think he cared so little. Fascinating, huh? Because despite everything, how happy I am, I still miss him. True, it's not my fault. Thinking about old boyfriends today. And then on the TV there was someone with a familiar accent. I can still faintly remember a few of the words he spoke during our single telephone conversation. Most of the conversation I remember as text spoken by myself. Does that make sense? Only about 2 or 3 words do I remember as he actually said them. And sometimes not even that. I wonder when I'll finally forget them. But when I realize that the last time I thought about it I couldn't recall his specific accent and inflection, and this time I can, I have to ask myself if maybe I'll *never* forget completely.

Love never dies. Isn't that weird. Just today, we were heading out for a rendevouz with gaypal to finally see K-Pax. Talking about Christmas presents. He said he wanted a leather jacket. I said I didn't know if I could get him one. He said he knew, it was expensive. I said no, it's not that, it's... RH. He did alot more than roll his eyes. He shook his head and rolled his eyes. And got a slightly higher pitched voice as he expressed his disbelief. That it's been well over 10 years, and I can't let go of the fact that at the time, RH meant everything to me, so I begged $200 from my grandmother to buy the man of my dreams the item of his dreams: a leather jacket. I asked him incredulously if it really wouldn't weird him out for me to buy him one now. "No!" was the emphatic answer.

But it weirds me out. Immensely. Can you believe it? I'm still avoiding memories of my first boyfriend. Not because it would upset my husband, but because they still upset me.

Bizarre. So here I am, wondering if I'll ever forget about R. Can I please have another resounding "No!"

But there's moving on, at least. Thank god. I guess I could wonder if maybe I spend so much time analyzing (and re-analyzing) my past, because the future doesn't look so bright. But hell, the future's been bright since the day I met my husband, and has only this year started to look grim when his company stumbled on it's path. So that's no excuse.

Maybe analyzing isn't the answer? Alcohol, anyone? hehe. Kidding.

I got pulled over for speeding Friday night. The officer was blissfully friendly, and let me off with a warning. On the way home afterwards, I was left comparing that experience with the horrible encounter I had about 8 years ago that left me in tears, and wondering why they were so different. I wondered about the fact that there were so many pull-overs after mine. It must have been one of their Holiday Weekend super-vigilance thingees or something. Looking for drunk drivers. When it hit me. Maybe he was just relieved that there was no alcohol on my breath. Because there wasn't. And there never will be. I'll never have to worry about that. I can't remember the last time I had even a splash of alcohol in those yummie Red Robin shakes that they make so well. Yay me!

Anyway, this entry isn't serious, oh my god, what's wrong with me?! No, just random shit proving that I'm a giant hypocrite. Or something like a hypocrite. Because my emotions are still all over the place. Because I adore my husband, and miss the man I've never met, and secretly hope he misses me. Isn't that pathetic? Everyone, please join me in rolling your eyes. There, that's better.

I think I can sleep now. Just as soon as I write that negative feedback for eBay Loser Dumbass Man. Captain Dumbass. Yah, that sounds about right.

Ciao.

PS: no, concluding by saying Ciao is not me picking up on a Diaryland fad or nuthin', I took a full YEAR of college-level Italian, thank you very much. Now ask me how many words I remember? *Including* Ciao. Yah, fuck you. My mind is *not* a sponge. Do I sound bitter? Yes, yes I am. The most romantic country, the most romantic language, I can't wait to go see everything and let the honey-sweet words drip from my tongue... Except my mind is a sieve instead of a sponge. Who said the fates don't have a sense of humor?

OK, I'm *really* going to bed now. xox

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