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#235 - Wish #7
11/26/01 @ 8:06 pm

Wish for November 26, 2001

What do you feel guilty about? And on a side note, since for me at least it goes hand in hand, what worries you? Are guilt and worry a daily occurence (disturbance?) for you? I'm dying to find out if anyone out there is as neurotic as me!

If I were to list *all* of my worries and guilts and fears and concerns, you would get tired just reading about it. Now imagine living through that. No wonder I'm so tired all the time! Worry and guilt have got to be the two biggest character flaws I have. I've been wanting to talk about guilt for a long time, ever since I noticed how often I saw "I felt guilty" in my diary. I've hear comedians mention that this is a Catholic thing, and that Jews have guilt in abundance as well. Damn, now that I've been agnostic/atheistic for years, you'd think some of that shit would wear off, wouldn't you? You would be wrong.

In a typical day, I will feel guilty about a slew (is that a damn word??) of things at work. Occassionally it's slightly a co-worker, usually in my imagination. Could be that I'm supersensitive, so I imagine everyone else to be? Could be. Then there is guilt to my bosses. Guilt everyday that my desk isn't sparkling clean because I am so caught up, I had extra time to wipe the damn thing down. Instead I sit there and pull my hair out trying to prioritize a million little items and 50 big ones, and wonder how they'll ever keep me around if I don't keep up better.

Then there's a car. I've got alot of anger, and it usually comes out in the car. So almost immediately I feel guilty. Guilty that I was angry. Guilty that I called someone horrible names for cutting me off, when I don't even know them. Guilty because I know that although this is the 5th incident so far on the way home, it's probably this guy's first traffic offence all day. So I feel guilty taking out all my frustration on him. Like he even knows!

There is guilt at home. Guilt that I'm not a happy homemaker, cleaning constantly and baking and having supper ready when my man comes home. OK, I don't feel guilty that I'm not a perfect homemaker, but I feel guilty that I'm such a piss-poor one. This place is a fucking mess 99% of the time, so much so that we hate to have company over. How pathetic is that?

I feel guilty that I don't spend enough time with my cat.

I feel guilty about not going to the gym more often.

I feel guilty that I'm not the perfect sex kitten I try to paint myself up to be, because wouldn't my husband appreciate that so much more than what I have to offer?

I feel guilty 11pm rolls around, I realize that my husband is an attractive man and I'd love to show him that, but now I'm just too tired to turn out the light and kick out the cat, let alone be sexual.

And as previously discussed numerous times, I feel guilty even still about my online fling. And I feel guilty that mentioning it will hurt R. almost as much as I feel guilty that it will hurt my husband.

Then there's my family. The crowning achievement in a lifetime of guilt, I feel guilty about every damn thing concerning my family. Guilt that I can't take care of my mother and put her life back together. Guilt that I can't afford to ensure my baby brother gets all the school supplies he needs. Guilty that my mom cancelled Thanksgiving at her place because they didn't have enough money to host it. Guilty that I can't self-diagnose my brother, issue him the right medications, and make him into a productive member of society once again. Guilt that I can't keep my father away from my family. Guilt that I couldn't buy my sister a car. Guilt that I don't see my grandmother more often.

And this is just the daily or semi-regular stuff that I deal with so it comes easily to me. If I just started making a list that I whipped out every time I felt guilty about something, I might just checkk myself into a psychiatric ward, because it's fucking RIDICULOUS to feel guilty about so much that I have NO CONTROL OVER!

And worries? Wow. That list would be pages and pages just over a single day. Technically, all of those guilts are worries, right? Well, on top of that, I get REALLY irrational sometimes.

And worry about my husband making it home ok. Or worry that thieves and/or rapists will break into our bedroom when we leave the window cracked.

I worry that someone will discover my secret, and I'm not perfect. That I'm mentally imbalanced and standing on this narrow little precipice, just waiting for the next big wave or whatnot to come and knock me off into insanity.

I worry that I'm not really a good person, even though I think I am.

I worry about whether or not complete strangers like me.

I worry about the stock market and George W. Bush and the Taliban and whether or not the next plane flying over Seattle will smash into the Columbia Tower. Or maybe the Westin. Space Needle?

When I was a girl, I was terrified of nuclear war. In Hawaii, helicopters flying overhead were an almost daily occurence, on their quest to search out pokalolo (pot) fields. Somehow, these two things got confused in my head, and whenever I heard the helicopters, I would wonder if this time it was the attack. THE nuclear attack. WW3. I don't fear nuclear war anymore, at least not as an even remote possibility. But guess what happens when I'm inside and a helicopter flies overhead? Instant terror. The bombs are coming! The bombs are coming! And you know, I only realized just two nights ago, that nuclear bombs aren't dropped from helicopters. Isn't that amusing? The human mind is *so* fascinating in it's leaps of (il)logic.

But I try, and that's the important thing, or at least my shrink would say so. Because she finds it very important that despite my emotions, I do pretty well carrying out my life, maintaining a job, and relationships.

But I have to work at it. Alot. Sometimes more than others, but always so much effort expended. Because I know most of these things are quite ridiculous to give so much of my time to. So usually, as soon as a worry or guilt pops into my head, I just turn it off. Pop! Just like that, like a light switch. But some of them take some logic to work through. Most of them, I've already worked through in my mind, reached the conclusion that it's futile to worry or feel guilty about, and I've put it aside. But then it comes up again. And my mind goes through all of those steps again. And then, at the end, as I'm putting the guilt out of my mind, I realize this is familiar. And then there's that whole mental forehead smacking that goes on, as you realize that DAMN you're a moron.

Maybe I could put post-it notes all over, telling me not to feel guilty. Or get organized. Put all of my guilts on their own 3x5" notecards, organize them alphabetically by topic, and when I worry about something, I can look it up and go, "Oh, yah! I don't need to worry about *that*! I figured that was completely irrational on March 22, 1996!"

Yah, that's what I need. A rolodex of guilt-busting cards. Think I can pick something like that up at Office Depot? Or maybe Costco?

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