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#233 - November 2001 If... Project
11/25/01 @ 12:22 pm

November 2001 If... Project

If you were given one cosmic 'get out of jail free' card that would allow you to undo one act from your past, which would you use it on? What outcome would you hope to result from that decision?

There are hundreds, if not thousands of things I wish could have gone differently during this life. My childhood alone carries a lifetime worth of dashed hopes and dreams. Not to mention my college years. My teens were probably the happiest and least stressful, so far. Gosh, imagine going back and telling your teen self that. Ha! No way in hell would they believe you!

The thing is, I discovered during my teens something very important about life. That it's the trials and hurts as well as the joys and rewards that make you who you are. The person I am today would not exist without Bootcamp Fucker to screw my psyche over.

And this past year, that horrible, horrible transgression I committed against my marriage? Yes, I regret the hell out of my "relationship" with R. How could I not? I hurt myself, I hurt him, and more than anyone, I dealt a horrendous blow to my adoring husband.

But let's talk about truth. My husband and I were doing fine, rediscovering our sex lives *together*, enjoying each other's company more than ever. Being romantic. But, obviously, something was missing if I could leap so far as to "fall in love" with someone I had never met.

And now look at us. The sex that we're having now probably never would have been possible if I hadn't explored my deepest desires on the internet. Our sex life has been amazing since I decided to explore my *true* sexuality with my husband rather than strangers online.

There's no forgiving what I did, and I do wish that it hadn't happened. But the truth is that it *did* happen, and we wouldn't be where we are today if it hadn't happened. Because I would be a different person. True, most everyone would probably still recognize that girl as me. Even I would.

But the person I am today survived that test of her marriage, and came out the other side adoring her husband even more. Praying almost every day to whatever gods there are that my husband stood by me and didn't leave and loves me as much as ever. And for some reason, some inexplicable reason, I love him and worship him and covet him and desire him all the more.

How could I ever wish to change that? I can't. And there's no way I could go back and change one thing about my "relationship" with R. without wondering if that will somehow affect the way my relationship with my husband is today.

So it's a good thing there's no time travel. That there's no cosmic get out of jail free card. That things happen, then they become memories, and then even those fade.

Because, like it or not, things happen for a reason, and I'm not going to fight that. I'm happy as can be. And if what happened with R. had some hand in that, so be it. Amen.

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