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#232 - nothing like 3 hours in a car to make you think about your life
11/22/01 @ 9:34 pm

Today started out and ended quite badly. I am home and calm, so that's good.

I don't remember being so stressed about going to see my family before. I was sitting in the car, analyzing my fear, trying to figure out what was really wrong. The 1.25 hour trip took 2.75 hours. I had the time.

This is what I think. I have been depressed, and stress has only added to it, and I'm getting really sick of the stress. But on top of that, is the depression, which I need to counter.

I am depressed because my life has no meaning. It has been nice thinking that my life is enough now that Sweetie & I are doing great. But we're not together 24/7, so there needs to be more. I want to do something, have something that's mine, that I care about, other than this silly web diary. The problem is, everything I want seems so far out of reach. Here are the things that would make me happy:

� a Jeep Grande Cherokee, preferrably in Hunter Green
� a house to call my own
� a child
� a profession

I could go out and get the car tomorrow. Just trade in the Jetta, and there ya go. Happiness on a key. But I want the other things so much more.

I could continue doing this, working full time, stressing out, if it meant we could get the house. But we can't. Despite our high income bracket, we have no downpayment saved, and a high debt.

I want a child, but nothing I do can make Sweetie ready until he's ready. And besides that, I'm still not sure I should be having children yet, when my emotions are still all over the place.

Profession. The key to happiness? It looks like it the more I think about it. I mean, being with kids, that could show me if I'm ready to have my own, right? To finally be doing something with my life on a daily basis that *I* wanted to do, what could be wrong or stressful about THAT? Sure, school is stressful, new routines are too, but shit, I would finally be doing SOMETHING, and EVERYTHING has its own stresses.

I want this so bad, and I don't know how to go about it. I told myself that I would pay off my last credit card before going back to school, because school would put me in so much debt again. But when Sweetie went for so long without getting paid, I put alot of stuff on my card. And now Christmas is coming, and I hate the idea of not spending money on the people I love.

But I think I'm going to do it. Next fall is about 9 months away. That's alot of debt gone by then. Most of it. Can I be good for 9 months? I don't know, but I think so. And in the meantime, I will be putting aside $100 a month for school. That will be incentive to be good, right?

Please, let something work. I'm tired of stressing about things that mean nothing to me. For once, I'd like to be doing something important to *me*, and if there's stress involved, I'll deal with it, and it will feel good to get through to the other side. Instead of just starting up the same old meaningless fight for sanity without any benefits.

Cross your fingers, pray to your gods, make some offerings. I'm gonna need all the help I can get...

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