bursting surprise

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#182 - come ride with me
September 19, 2001 @ 12:13 pm

I seem to be getting depressed. Melodramatic phrases like "I want to curl in a ball and die" or "I hate everyone" or "Nobody likes me" keep repeating in my head. It's so damn tiring. I'd like things to go my way just occassionally, y'know? *sigh* That sounds melodramatic too? Bite me.

Sick of being depressed. I want to leave it behind me and never visit this place again. But here I am, got my one-way ticket in my hand, fighting with the ticket seller to see if I can turn it into a round-trip. Fuck.

Last night was very bad. I wanted to update my diary, but couldn't because our fucking connection to the internet is being torn apart by this new worm. When it did come back up, I was feeling depressed and tired. I spent alot of yesterday feeling tired. Came home and just read, because it was all I cared to do, as I tried to keep myself awake long enough so I could go to bed at a normal hour and get some rest. I don't know why I was so tired. Or why I got depressed. But I did.

Finally, as I layed in bed, the tears came. I didn't know what the hell they were for, but I was tired of fighting them. The only thing I could think of was that I was lonely. Right next to me in bed was my husband. Things have been great between us. So why am I lonely? My shrink says that even the best relationships can't just survive with each other. You need friends. Yah, tell me about it. I'm so sick of wondering what the fuck I've done wrong to warrant no friends. Realized that for some reason everyone likes me, but they don't love me. Only my husband does. Making me wonder what the fuck is wrong with him.

I've done everything in my power to try to maintain a friendship with this girl at work, to no avail. I just don't understand it. She's very friendly. She's very opinionated. She doesn't like alot of the people at work. But she likes me. She says so often. But we used to hang out all the time, me & her & gaypal. Then she stopped. I'm very shy. It's hard for me to be the instigator. But I break down and do it every couple of weeks. Nothing. The last time I went out with her was for her birthday, which I felt was a calamity. I wanted to treat her to a nice meal and have a nice conversation, get her to remember how much we enjoy each other's company. Instead, she said she couldn't go far or have a real meal because she only had a 1/2 hour for lunch, so we went to get burgers down the street. And she brought her friend, another co-worker. I was upset. We haven't seen each other "socially" since.

Gaypal & I try every once in awhile. We're emailing each other about trying to do something this week or weekend. But I'm broke.

JP, I don't know what to do with her. I love her to death. I'd do anything for her. WANT to do anything for her. But she's always so damn BUSY. Talked with my shrink about this, about how frustrating it is, because I thought she was so busy fitting so many things & outtings with other people into her schedule, I thought it was because they were more important than me & Sweetie. But when she broke down before the wedding, she came to us. And said barely anyone she loved could make it to the weekend. She said she didn't have alot of friends. Oddly, this made me feel better, that I could be her support, her protection. But then things went on as they were before - her being too busy to fit us in. And now this shit: her brother possibly being shipped off to war. From her 2 terse emails, I think she's having a hell of a time. I want to be there for her. I want to just demand, "OK, I'll be there right after work. We'll paint our toenails or something. That will be distracting." But I can't do that. I can't invite myself over to her house. That would be rude. And she is the most easily-offended person I know. I emailed her that she could talk to me about whatever, or let me know if she wanted to get together to do something distracting. True, that was only yesterday, but I would like to do it as much as she probably needs to do it.

Because that's what I want. Someone to be a girl with. I miss being a pre-teen, being all giggly with my best friends. Talking about boys. Talking about Duran Duran. Listening to music, dancing, watching videos, renting horror movies, gossiping. I want someone to talk to all hours of the night with. About anything. Everything.

I miss having a friend. Just one good friend. A best friend. Someone who knows everything about me. And likes me because of it. And I know everything about her. And I like her because of it. And we'll eat ice cream at midnight, and wake up and eat left over pizza cold for breakfast.

I'm so damn lonely.