*sigh* just talked to my mom. she called for the 3rd time in 2 weeks Saturday, but by the time I called her back (finally), she was at work. so I left a message for her to call me this morning. every time I would hear her voice on the answering machine, homesickness would stab at my heart. so i wanted to talk to my mommy. but 5 minutes into it, i'm like, now what? it's boring relaying how boring your life is. of course, she was very sweet, and trying very hard to only talk about positive things. my shrink had me discuss with her that i was fed up with only hearing from her when she had bad news. it made me not want to talk to her or anyone over there anymore.

but we started talking about my baby brother. i thought this was a safe topic, since i had just spoken with him last night for a few minutes to leave the message and remark on how much he sounds like his older brother now. he will be 15 in 2 weeks, which is just bizarre. mom mentioned how buff he's getting, so i asked if he was going to go into football this year (linebackers run in the family). mom got quiet, asked if my brother hadn't mentioned this. i said no, we didn't really talk about much of anything. she said that T. went in to get all his gear, then went to get his physical and was told that he had the blood pressure of an old man, and serious issues with his heart to boot. mom tries not to worry, which is easier for her because T. is just *pissed* to the extreme. i learned some stuff about him from this. he has digestion problems with high fat foods, so he doesn't eat them. he watches his cholesterol & fat contents. he eats well. he exercises & plays sports like a mother fucker. he's buffed out. he wants to do football, wrestling, and baseball in high school, use those to get into college, then join the navy and become a Navy SEAL. holy shit!

but despite all his immaculate care for his body, he is told he has the blood pressure and heart problems of an old man. the doctor refused to sign off on his medical slip to play football. he has to see a pediatric cardiologist who must decide if they will sign off on him playing ball. so T. is extremely pissed, because obviously he can't do much MORE to be healthy, except put his life in their hands through their tests & medication, etc.

I really hope this does not turn into a situation similar to my big-little brother. M. was running this same course, football to college to professional something or other. But he fought with his weight, unlike T. But his real downfall came when he had a car accident. Doctors weren't sure if he'd be able to walk normally again. He finally doesn't use crutches after a few years, but I'm not sure about his pain. But the accident did more than that. It did something to his psyche, putting him into a depression, which cost him his girlfriend. He had wanted to marry her. Her loss drove him deeper down the spiral, and he's been in and out of hospitals ever since. And now he's on various drugs, living in a half-way house for the mentally challenged or whatever. I don't recognize the person he is now. He is not the happy-go-lucky, knowledgeable about the world little brother anymore. Now he has his only little world inside his head where he fights evil. It's really frightening how far he's fallen.

T. is the least mentally fucked up out of all of us, and if his body betrays him so that he gets depressed and starts to follow in our footsteps, it will be a very sad day for our family. I guess it's time to pretend there's a god to listen to my prayers, and say a few for T. He deserves better than this karmic shit life is about to throw at him.