<< - >>

#150 - dreams of betrayal
August 26, 2001 @ 10:59 am

holy shit, not again. what is it about life being perfect, and then i have these horrible dreams about my husband betraying me???

we were awoken at 9:00am with hammering next door. i laid there and thought about this dream. how my husband had been drunk and acting very much like my father. there were even flashes of hawaiian locales from my childhood intermingled with normal Seattle ones. my dumbass drunk husband was racing down the highway between my childhood home & my grandmother's house, in some sort of race against one of his friends. i was furious. we needed to get ready for JP & SL's wedding. finally, he finished his race and we got ready, but the wedding had started without us. he was so drunk, he couldn't figure out what was wrong about this. so i was left screaming that the goddamn bridal party can't walk in during the middle of the ceremony & join the rest of the people already standing up there.

woke up. went to the bathroom. closed the fucking window to blot out the hammering. went back to sleep.

dreamed about getting ready to go to the reception for JP & SL. only, for some reason, Heather was there. she had been part of the bridal party too. so there was an extra incentive for me to get my ass in gear to get to the reception, having not seen Heather in years. got there, and my husband instantly left and i was taken to the bridesmaid's table. except heather nor JP were there. one of the bridesmaids sneered at me about being late. i looked around, wondering where everyone was. it seems most of the party was outside, all over the grounds of some sort of estate or something. i just wanted to get something to drink and figure out what my duties were now that i was here. and i was obsessed with finding out why i hadn't received my present for being a bridesmaid.

then these strangers came in, and handed me my present. only it wasn't from JP & SL. it was from Heather. it was a kit. a My Melody kit. seems this company made kits for adults who used to love a certain cartoon character as kids, and they made kits for pretty much every cartoon. mine had a box of My Melody cereal & a CD with all sorts of cool MM stuff on it, including a cartoon.

but i was confused why Heather was giving me this, when it wasn't her wedding, and where was heather anyway? or my husband? or JP & SL??? I started looking around at other people's presents. inter-mingled with the wedding presents to JP & SL was a note. but it was TO my husband, signed by JP & SL. it mentioned $1000. WTF???

that's when JP blew into the room, my husband right behind her. they were both in street clothes now, and had been enjoying themselves with the rest of the guests outside. my husband made me feel inadequate, because he was so great at mingling with strangers outside, and i had been a homebody, glued to my assigned seat inside. i could practically feel him roll his eyes at me when i asked him where he had been. it hurt. alot.

i felt betrayed that he had abandoned me for so long, and that he'd been with JP for so long. finally, JP left, and he started to acknowledge that i was his wife and maybe he should spend some time with me. he took me outside to show me something in our car. he said it was the present JP & SL had given him. we never got that far. i said that if his present was in the car, then what was up with the note for $1000?

he looked embarrassed, but he didn't really hesitate. he said that when he told JP about all the problems we had been having because of R., that he had been about to leave her place when she called him back. she said that SL wanted to talk to him. that SL was a lawyer, and thought he should have legal advice. and the legal advice turned into taking out a $1000 insurance policy against us breaking up.

but this conversation, this action, had taken place *AFTER* i had gotten R. out of my life. AFTER i was getting over him. AFTER my husband and i started having incredible sex better than we ever had in our entire lives. in fact, it was well AFTER i knew that i was in love with him and knew that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

but he had been unsure and taken out an insurance policy. and only now had he and JP & SL agreed that things between us were solid, and it was time to cancel the policy. because the 3 of them had had a conversation about the state of our relationship. coldly calculating the odds behind the renewed passion and love between us.

i was no longer furious. i felt betrayed. somehow, this hurt more than finding out he had slept with JP. somehow, it felt like he had slept with her RIGHT NOW. so instead of forgetting about learning of a betrayal 10 years after the fact, i was learning of it just weeks after. JP still had connections to my husband's mind, she had his ear, she had his heart. she could still manipulate him. and he let her.

i just woke up, my mouth tasting like bitter betrayal, this revelation fresh in my mind. it still feels tangible. like if i think about it, i can find it, this little black lump in the bottom of my stomach, trying to come up my throat. because that's where i can taste it. in the back of my throat, the bitterest of betrayals.

and it was just a dream. sometimes, i hate my dreams. because the emotional ones can wreak havoc on my psyche for days. i wonder how long it will take me to get over this desire to go in there and attack my husband. because that's always what i'm left wanting to do. cause him physical pain to match my mental anguish. that's usually what wakes me up. i'm contemplating punching him, but my mind says no, that's not painful enough. so the rage is building, and i'm holding it in, trying to think of something, anything that i can do in terms of physical violence that will cause him the same amount of pain. it's the shaking with rage, the pent up scream that wakes me up.

so i get out of bed and put some distance between us, until i know i'm not going to commit bloody murder. until the rage dies. leaving me with just bitterness. it's the bitterness that hangs on for hours, maybe even a day or two.

yes, sometimes i mother fucking hate my dreams.

last - next