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#135 - i'm really sorry
2001-08-18 @ 12:44 a.m.

when it rains, it pours. last night's entry about someone at diaryland hurting my feelings not only did not raise the interest of the person it was about, it seems to have hurt someone else's feelings as well, so now they're not talking to me either. and now a 3rd person either fell asleep with their IM program running for the 2nd night in a row, or they're not talking to me either.

so went out to dinner with hubby and felt horrible, despite excellent chang's mongolian yummie ass barbeque. was in such a bad mood, i think i upset our waitress. had hubby leave extra generous tip to make up for it.

went to cat sit. hubby & i sat around with the Princess watching Law & Order SVU. that show has officially entered crack status [ie: it has the addictive properties rivaled only by crack cocaine, and we need a fix, NOW]. but part of it really creeped me out. i can't remember the term now. a psychiatrist said there was another kind of incest, non-physical. when the child enters puberty, there are lears, sexual conversations & jokes, smut magazines left for the child to find, purchases of revealing clothing, possibly even dates. my father never bought me any clothes or took me on a date or touched me, that i can remember. but he walked around naked until after i had gone into puberty. his smut mags were the foundation of my early sexuality. and the day i became uncomfortable around him was when he told my mother i shouldn't wear my bikini around the house. i don't know. that sounds like a rational request, i guess. but it made me very uncomfortable, to think that my father was a sexual being. and i had entered his thoughts as a sexual being. yah. creeped me out big time to hear that on the show. made me wonder about my sexuality even more.

came home & still no one's emailed me saying it was all a mistake. got your email, sorry i misunderstood. if i'm a total bitch from hell, tell me. it's this silence that's unbearable. it's horrible to think i've hurt a friend. i want to get down on my knees and beg forgiveness. but it's torture not to be told what the hell i actually did. now i can't stop analyzing every email, every IM conversation, and every diary post i've made over the past few weeks. wondering what i did. what did i do? what did i do? if you tell me, i promise to never do it again. honest. truly. really. i swear. just tell me. please.

so on top of all this, i still haven't had sex in like 2 weeks now. i keep thinking of it at the strangest time. hubby was sleepy, but out of desperation i woke him up to hold me, because i was so sad i couldn't sleep. after a while i asked if he wanted to have sex. he said "yes... if i can." there was a nice kiss, then some half-hearted petting. so i told him that i needed him to make me feel needed. so he kissed me again and gave me more half-hearted petting. so i just started crying. said i was going to come out here for tissues. he should go to sleep.

so hear i am, fucked, yet not fucked. go me.

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