bursting surprise

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#131 - cheetah hair, hamhawks & migraines, oh my!
2001-08-15 @ 5:02 p.m.

mmmm. walked to the front of the store, and there was someone yummie up there. leather jacket, motorcycle helmet, cheetah hair. short, cropped-to-the-scalp kinky hair in a camel-tan color, with thick black circles interspersed. affect - cheetah camouflage. very cool. s/he turned towards me and smiled. s/he had 2 studs under his/her mouth. those kind of freak me out, but s/he had a very nice smile. i could not help smiling back, despite my headache. felt much better about myself smiling back, since i am in my cute yet naughty school-girl outfit today. i love this outfit. i wear black mary-janes with silver buckles to complete the look. i feel sexier in white tights, but it's fucking summer, so i've got little anklets. anyway, it's strange that biker person was completely androgonous & i have no clue even now what sex they were, but that doesn't quite matter. s/he smiled at me very warmly, and it made me feel good at my selection of outfits today. yay!

but what is it with me & my fetish for anyone slightly off the norm? piercings, tatoos, died hair, etc. i couldn't tell ya. it's dated back to jr. high though, when i wanted to be a punk but everyone thought i was a nerd. now i'm just a girl who likes to wear comfy clothes but wishes she could goth out & wear red velvet all the time. and i miss the way my hubby used to dress when we were teenagers. he was never punk or goth, and the wildest he got was blue hair at one point, but he used to wear cure t-shirts and he had a trenchcoat. at least he still wears docs or all-stars. hey, did you know that converse tennies are called different things in different locales? they were called all-stars in hawaii, converse here in washington state, and i've heard them called chucks elsewhere. hmm. my stomach still does little flip-flops when i see a geeky guy in black converse, coz it reminds me of my hubby.

speaking of slightly off the norm, have you guys seen "The Craft"? mmmmmmm. yummie visuals coupled with good music. i *so* wanted to be Neve Campbell after I saw that movie. Or fuck her. I couldn't & still can't decide which. I love the whole school-girl with tights thing. Plus, I was kinda considering Wicca for a while there back in college. But after a real conversation with a girl into it, I was informed that there is an actual belief system involved, and it's not just working on spells & wearing crystals & performing cool ceremonies. Nope, you're actually worshipping goddesses & gods. Ho-hum.

ok, despite it starting out as an allergy headache & my 3 advil at 9am numbing it some, it is slowly coming back with a vengeance, on it's way to becoming a full-blown migraine. so, i have just downed 2 excederin & 3 advil, my personal prescription for nipping migraines in the butt. if that doesn't work within the next hour, it's bed for me, regardless of the fact that I was out sick only a day ago. dammit. grr.

there's not much that i hate more than realizing that i learned something as a kid *wrong*. like pronouncing "human" as "yuman", thanks to dear old mom. grr. now, i seem to be tripping. i smelled a co-worker's lunch, and told him it smelled like my gramma's hamhawks & beans. so i'm thinking about this, and how i've always been confused about what exactly a hamhawk is. it tastes like ham, but i swear to god there were a couple of looney tunes where foghorn leghorn is not tortured by a weasel, but instead is plagued by a hamhawk. so is it a bird, or part of a pig??? so i look it up in the dictionary. no hamhawk. no ham hawk. freaking out, there is no other definition under hammock. grr. so what the hell was gramma feeding me???? went to google, and there are lots of people with the email "hamhawk", but nothin' else. typed in "hamhawks and beans" and got NOTHING. Argh! am I losing my mind? has anyone else out there had hamhawks & beans? my gramma is from Oklahoma. someone from the midwest or the south, please help!

i really hate days like this. when the doctors thought i had diabetes, i wasn't completely surprised. ok, i was, but when i thought about it, i wasn't. for a few years now, i get kinda light headed & weirded out & a little shakey if i don't eat sometimes. just sometimes. the only thing i can figure is it has to do with my blood sugar level. coz sometimes i can go all night without eating, then not have breakfast until 1 or 2pm, and be fine. other times, if i have my breakfast around 9 and i go beyond 1pm for lunch, i feel like i'm gonna die. or pass out anyway.

this is one of those days. except... for some reason i'm not hungry. usually, i can feel these things coming on. i get hungry. i start planning to find food. food is not close enough, and i start to get *really* hungry & a little tired & cranky. that quickly becomes near exhausted & shaking. a half hour of this, and i am terrified i'm going to collapse if i don't eat. and when food is put in front of me finally, i am ravenous. i eat at least half of it without tasting it at all, it goes down so fast. then i pause, breathe, try and calm down, and spend an extra long time finishing up.

so that's why this is weird. it hit quite suddenly, because i wasn't hungry. i had some cookies for sugar, and i'm still not hungry. weird shit. i think maybe the headache or the excederin cocktail triggered it? who knows? my body is so fucked up, i kind of just tell it to fuck off & do the best that i can to accomodate it. my question of the day is: if i have low blood sugar to the point of shaking & fearing passing out, why the fuck am i not losing weight? grr.

docs still don't know what's wrong with me, and i'm getting sick of getting stuck by needles while they twiddle their thumbs. all they know is that i don't process sugars "properly". they won't say what that means. maybe i'm hypoglycemic, but then why the fuck does eating sugar/food, make me feel *better*? *sigh* i hate my body. can't i trade up for a better model?? at least my headache is finally gone.

ahh. SO much better now that i've had lunch. not only physically, but mentally. turns out i have been feeling guilty about my lunches for no reason. i decided to start having sandwiches & soup because of the low fat content. but i've been slowly increasing the amount of lunchmeat on the sandwiches, coz there's nothing i hate more than biting into mostly bread. yuk. so today i opened a new pack. guess what? 50 calories & 1g of fat for *6* slices! I've been using 8 slices! woo-hoo! i thought it was 3g for 3 slices. silly me. plus, bread is .5g per slice. so that's less than 2.5g of fat for lunch! soup has 0 fat. except, here's my vice. i can't eat a sandwich without mayo. without ALOT of mayo. i can't STAND low or no-fat mayo. bleck. so i'm trying to stick to the 1 tbsp. they say is a serving size. that's 11g of fat. yeesh. at least i stopped putting cheese on my sandwiches. anyway, on top of all this, some angel bought diet 7up for the office! woo-hoo! someone loves me! it's the only diet drink I can stomach, coz Sweetie drinks it, and it's always around. and yet, despite the rest of his family only drinking diet-Coke, I've never gotten used to that. huh.

my favorite band is Depeche Mode, but it used to be Duran Duran. A month or 2 before turning 12, Heather introduced me to them. I fell in love. She already was. Me & Heather & Heather (yes, there were 2 Heathers) formed our own little fan club. We worshipped Duran Duran. I still have so many memories from those days. Everything D2 reminds me of it all. I'm finally listening to my work mp3's again. Even a gig of mp3's gets old after awhile, so I haven't listened to them for a few months. Now I am again, and there's a lot of D2 in it. My favorite songs were always the ones you didn't hear on the radion, like "Last Chance on the Stairway". God, that song reminds me of Heather, and the day I fell in love with her. It's bizarre, how I can see things now that I didn't see things then. We spent an entire afternoon moving between her swimming pool & her jacuzzi, listening to the same D2 tape over & over, just talking. Into the twilight, into the dark. Yep, I really think I fell in love with her. Dammit, why didn't I have any lesbian urges *then*???

argh. we're being audited by our lending company next week. that means i probably won't do any "day in the life of" entries for awhile. *sigh* can you believe these people audit us every 6 months? bastards...

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