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#130 - internal prejudices again
2001-08-15 @ 9:51 a.m.

this is the way life always works, isn't it? i take Monday off for mentally-unstable reasons, and I wake up Wednesday with a pounding headache. an i-don't-want-to-move headache. argh. fortunately, it does not appear to be a migraine, because the advil has dulled it a great deal in only the last 1/2 hour. i'm still feeling pretty blfh anyway. blfh.

wanted to talk about angelina next, but she will have to wait till i'm in a better mood.

had strange dreams last night. i remember only 2 of them enough to make sense, though only snippets. one was at the beach in Hawaii. I dream about that beach alot - we went there every day when i was a girl. i was going to be my sister's guide snorkeling. we were navigating the rocks along the water's edge to find a good spot. she did not listen to me when i told her to wait there for a minute. that pissed me off. i began telling her off, that *i* was the guide, and if she wanted me to be the guide, she had to follow the rules & commands i set out. she said "oh", and said she understood now. me, i felt guilty for yelling at my sister.

the other dream is very strange for me. i dreamed that i had a girlfriend. i dreamed that we got into a fight, and she walked away from me without listening. and i tried to catch her as she walked away from the car and into the drug store, but my legs hurt so much, i couldn't go very fast. so i followed her around the drug store, she was always turning another corner as i got up to the last one i saw her turn behind. i kept taking a deep breath to shout i loved her, so she would hear me across the way, but she had always just gone out of sight. finally, i realized she didn't want to hear or see me, so i walked out, limping so slowly. i went to the car with thoughts to leave, but realized i couldn't just leave her in there. so i moved the car to a real parking space, and waited, knowing she had to come out sometime, and then maybe she would listen to me. but then her sister showed up with her kids in her car, to give her a ride. i got out of the car, all upset, when my girlfriend saw me and teared up. she had thought that i had left. when she saw that i was still waiting, she was so relieved, and was ready to talk with me. i think she still loved me. i remember feeling very relieved & in love.

but here's the thing. my girlfriend was black. there was a moment in the dream where my mind went, "um, did you know your girlfriend is black?" and i'm like, huh. so? weird. because for a moment, i'm like, you're white, you're not supposed to be with a black girl. isn't that weird or something? then the next moment i'm like, *what?* you're kidding, right?

this reminds me of when i was about 10 or 11, and my mom was taking me to see "Purple Rain" at the theatre. I had the biggest crush on Prince. And my mom & her best friend kinda liked him too, so they were up front & I was in back of the car. And we pulled up along side some guy, all windows on both cars rolled down, and my mom & her friend started flirting with this dude in his car. a black dude. we pulled away and left him behind, but my mind was not liking this turn of events. i was very distraught that my mother was into a black guy. even though we were on our way to see Prince, a black guy that i had a major crush on.

sometimes, my mind works in strange ways when i'm not paying attention. then i pay attention, give myself a mental smack, and all is right with the world again. but it's still strange. internal prejudices again. weird.

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