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#125 - ever read Shakespeare to a 5 year old?
2001-08-09 @ 5:36 p.m.

Here's the link to the first entry for the day, which I posted only about 5 min. ago:
1st Post for 8/9/01

sorry guys. I try very hard to let my entries stay one entry. If I feel like going onto a new topic, I do. Who cares if it's getting long? But it was getting LONG, and even if I did think this stuff while I was at work, I couldn't write it down until I got home, so I decided to break my rule & divide this part into it's own entry. I'm sure you guys don't care, especially since it's a completely different topic, but it kinda bugs *me*. Oh well. Enjoy.

#2

*sigh* i just remembered something that I've been trying not to remember. I think I want to be a teacher. I was reading someone's diary the other day, some poetry, and it reminded me of Shakespeare, and I wanted to mention that in my diary. I loved Shakespeare in high school & even junior high. I was one of the only people in my classes who did. Now, you should know, I am about the slowest reader known to man. It takes me about twice as long to read something as it does my husband, but he's about the fastest reader known to man (you can apply this to our meals together, as well, oddly enough...) I don't know why I read slower than other people, I just do. And Shakespeare is a hard read. There are words there that you don't know, or your brain has to do some work to understand. Like reread the words around it to figure it out. And if that doesn't work, go back a line or two, read up to that point all over again, read a few more lines after, and see if you can tell what's going on despite not knowing what that one line meant. As you can imagine, Shakespeare takes me FOREVER to get through. So when I was reading Romeo & Juliet, my first Shakespearean experience, I decided to read it outloud to myself. This worked amazingly well. Because Shakespeare had rhythm. Amazing rhythm, words just roll off the tongue when you try to speak them. No matter that you don't get all the words, you get the idea, and you get most of the words if you read it out loud. And it goes amazingly fast too, because you're generally not worrying about rereading to get everything. You're just having fun reading out loud and hearing these brilliant words pour forth from your own mouth. I didn't always apply this technique, although I wish I had. It would have made classes go much easier in college!

So I was thinking, y'know, maybe I could be an English teacher? And when we got to Shakespeare, we would only read in class. We would take a week or two just to read the main pieces of each story by him. That would be so much fun! But the thing that terrifies me the most about being a teacher, other than teenagers today are fucking SCAREY AS HELL, is lesson plans. So we're reading Shakespeare today. So what? What do I say about Shakespeare? He's fun & all, and isn't it cool that the children of the people who hate each other are falling in love, but where the hell do I go with that? Hmm? I read because I enjoyed reading. Lots of people don't enjoy reading. What am I supposed to say to show people the worth of things like Shakespeare when I don't understand allegories & similies and themes & hidden meanings? I pick up on shit like that sometimes, but mostly it just goes right by me. Except the Scarlet Letter, because all of the symbolism in that just goes "SMACK!" and slaps you upside the head.

So, this whole not knowing how to actually TEACH thing frightens me, makes me think I shouldn't do it. Alas, I've always felt this way. Have I mentioned my first french kiss in here? I was terrified. My boyfriend & I put it off for months, because I couldn't figure out in my mind what you were supposed to do with your tongues. And that bothered me. Alot. And then there was the end of high school. What was I going to do with my life? They don't actually TEACH you how to do anything in college! They show you principles & how to do match & conduct experiments, but they don't tell you how to be a counselor for people, how to publish a novel, how to teach kids. And so now, when I think of where I want to take my life from here, I get that queasy, "how am I supposed to do *THAT*" feeling in my gut. I guess I'm a weenie.

Anyway, many moons ago, I was struck with something. In high school, I didn't want to become a teacher because I couldn't wrap my mind around how you learn to teach. That's a silly argument. But I got interested in psychology, and always thought I would make a great high school counselor. Until I graduated from high school & realized high schools are crawling with gangs, drugs, & psycho killers. But for some reason, I never thought about younger kids. Why? Because in high school, I *loathed* children. In fact, from the moment my sister was born when I was 6, I have hated them. Having to be her fucking baby sitter all my life. Every time I remember she was born in '79, I am shocked, because does it really make sense to leave a child alone with a child who's only 6 years older??? But that was my life! (oooo, tangent, sorry...)

It wasn't until I came to my current job & people started having babies around me that I realized I had changed my mind. I wanted a baby, & I liked kids. Sometimes I liked kids. Not at McDonald's or on planes when they're crying or whining. But in general, something had happened, and I liked them. I wanted one! Holy Shit! So last year, or early this year, I was struck with an image. Me being Mrs. Strawburygrl, writing my name on the chalkboard, and being in charge of 30 little Kindergarten munchkins. I *loved* kindergarten. Didn't everyone? Of course, after the "mommy! mommy, where are youuuuuuuuu?!" wore off. And that has got to be the coolest job ever! No one cares if you don't know what states border the Great Lakes, because 5 year olds don't even know what the hell the Great Lakes are. No long division, because they can't even count to 10 yet. No explaining Shakespeare, because you get the priviledge of teaching them to READ. OMIGOD! I could soooooo do this! Weird.

But life does not work out how you want it to. No siree. First I discovered that there was no way in hell my alma mater would accept me into graduate school, not with my grades! Then I learned that you had to have experience just to apply. Where the fuck was I going to find the time to volunteer at an elementary school??? *sigh* But I looked around. And I saw that the community colleges all offer programs to become a daycare teacher. And once you have that certificate, you have met all the requirements to enter the graduate school program, you've got lots of experience working in the CC's daycare, & you have a job at a daycare all lined up to help pay your way through grad school! Sweet! So this would take years? So what? At least it's not accounting! AT least I was doing something!

So husband and I had a plan. It was a good plan. Strawburygrl has lots of debt. Evil, evil debt from her rabid credit-card use in college. Don't you know that CC's are the same as cash??? *sigh* So we would work for the next year, paying off my debt. Sweetie has almost zero debt. Life was good. Until a) Sweetie's company fell apart, b) my mental health went to hell. I went part time at the worst possible moment, just weeks before it was announced that the company would go under if they didn't find an investor NOW.

So much for saving money & paying off debt. But amazingly, I still want to do it. I'm still as excited about it as I was the first time I thought of it. That's very strange for me, because over the years, my mind has changed so many times about what I want to do, because the journey to them just seemed to hard. Maybe I'm fooling myself, and this isn't a cake walk? And maybe it's not the right reason, to go after something because it's easy. But, god, to be EXCITED about something after so long. To see a goal I think I can actually attain. When was the last time I had *that* in my life???

So I'm going to do it. I'm going to try very hard to pull myself together. To start working more and more, building up my "tolerance". Because I need to pay off that debt, if we're going to afford me going back to school.

I am so glad I wrote this. I was sad when I remembered it, because it seemed like there was no way in the near future that I could try to work on this. But now, I just don't care. Fuck money. I'm going to do this. So what if I owe $7k (down from $12k only last year) in credit cards, and another $10k in student loans? I'll take out another student loan if I have to. And now that I know it doesn't bug the bosses for me to go part time, I may actually have a job to help us out while I'm in school. Hallelujah, I've got a plan! Thanks for listening gang.

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