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#124 - Porcelain Beggars
2001-08-09 @ 5:28 p.m.

I am so happy right now. Why? Because I can listen to one of my favorite songs again & just enjoy it. It's called "Porcelain" by Moby. When his album "Play" came out, I bought it because it had that song on it that was playing so much on the radio. Hmm... I can't even remember the name of the song now! I listed to about 3/4 of the cd & gave up. To me, "Honey" being the first song was a sign - I hated this cd. But you know what? After more & more songs came out via commercials & the radio & movies, I pulled out my cd again. And something wonderful happened. I absolutely adored "Honey"! The song that I loathed about the cd the first time I heard it! Isn't that strange? That's now my 2nd favorite song on the cd!

"Porcelain" really got to me via this Nordstrom commercial last year. Slow motion, black & white, a black man is waiting on the doorstep to pick up a woman on a date. All you see is him. And the rain behind him. He's holding an umbrella. And as the door opens, his face changes, and he drops the umbrella in astonishment at the gorgeous woman you know he's seeing. End commercial. I can still remember the rain drops & umbrella falling in slow motion. It was amazingly beautiful. And "Porcelain" made it a perfect moment.

And then I saw "The Beach" with Leo DiCaprio. I have this love/hate thing going on with Leo. Some of his stuff is cheesy, like "Titanic". But others are brilliant, like "What's Eating Gilbert Grape". I really want to rent "The Basketball Diaries", because you can tell that's an astonishing film, bet I never seem to remember it when I'm at the video store! And "The Beach" looked *horrible*! But it wasn't. Now, it wasn't winning any oscars or anything, but it was entertaining, and an interesting concept, and the landscape was just breathtaking. And there during the credits, as you fly over the island, they play "Porcelain". Ahhh, I love that song!

So I was a moron, and shared this song with R. and somehow my emotions for him got involved with the song. But not anymore! Yay! Maybe someday, I'll be able to listen to R's songs. He sent me 3 different songs, all of which I loved, but I just can't listen to them now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to again. But I'm saving them in case I do. He said they took him forever to work out, and even then he wasn't happy with them, but I hope that wherever he goes & whatever he does, he continues with his music making, because I really did like those songs.

~ * ~

you know, i think i really need to just start making sure i take my anti-depressants regularly. a few weeks ago, i noticed that i had a habit of skipping them on either Saturday or Sunday, and sometimes both. and then when we came back from Eastern Washington, they were packed away until Monday, so I didn't take any until having my therapy appointment reminded me that night. And then I promptly forgot they were in my purse on Tuesday and Wednesday. I think I took them again Wednesday night - but my system is to take them in the morning, right before I brush my teeth. I forgot them again yesterday, because they were on my desk instead of in the bathroom. This is getting annoying. I think this could explain some of my weird emotional trips the last few weeks. And someone pointed out that they could be responsible for my increasingly difficult time achieving orgasm. My husband lashed at my clit so long last night, I thought for sure I wasn't going to be able to have one being it would be over-stimulated. But I did! Yay!

I was just thinking about this coz I'm in such a good mood today, and wondering if it's coz I took at dose around 9pm last night, and then my normal dose this morning at 9am. And my body probably isn't used to the increase dosage because I've been so bad at remembering to take them regularly. I feel today like I did in the weeks immediately after returning from our trip to Hawaii. It's very nice. Life is good. I think for once I'll try not to actually think of something to purposely ruin it. Yah, that sounds like a plan.

~ * ~

you know what I hate? when I plan on spending my lunch writing, but I tell myself, "oh, just check your email & read your buddies' diaries first". ok, so then I'll spend 1/2 my lunch writing. but instead, I spend all my lunch plus 10 minutes trying not to scream at my fucking browser because it takes about 5 minutes to make any connections, and then another 10 to load the fucking page! but I have a relatively open office, so I did not scream. I only got more & more pissed off, forgetting all about the silly, whimsical, sexual things I wanted to share with you. GOD DAMMMIT!

~ * ~

my favorite Moby song on "Ambient" is called Dog. Everytime I hear it, my head starts bobbing, and I can't stop from imagining a little brown dog, wagging his tail, bobbing his head, walking down the sidewalks of New York, sniffing people's crotches, trash bins, store fronts, etc. All to the cute little beat of the song. It's a cute little, repetitive song. In the memorable words of Chevy Chase: "iiiiii like it!" God, I wish I could remember the name of that movie. Does anyone here remember it?

~ * ~

i have just come to a disturbing realization. i have been suspecting it for awhile, but i just got some photos back and on top of that something happened that clinched it for me. i have one of those faces where i look sad if i don't smile. or mad. or both. damn. i'm surprised more people don't ask me to smile for them. that's very insulting, by the way. dammit, i need to smile more. all this time, i've been trying to work on keeping a straight face in business situations, and i come across as angry or depressed. yay. how annoying. this from the woman who's smile inspired her husband to liken her to Julia Roberts. how damn depressing.

~ * ~

some days, i really do love my job. usually, it's when someone is very fretful about how to handle a situation, and they come to me, and i instantly know what to do to solve the problem. but it's NEVER thursday. Thursday is when I call people & beg them to pay their fucking overdue bills. Except today. EVERYONE was nice to me today! And I am done after only 2 hours! woo-hoo!

~ * ~

my mind just goes all over the place in the course of a day, and I try so hard to give you guys a taste of that. today, I was railroaded by work & fucking Internet Explorer & crappy internet connections from writing earlier. I had some good stuff too, about how excited I was that lilipop finally updated her diary with a truly scintilating tale. And how day dreaming about it today at work made me recall last night and how my husband & I made love. How I made the bed presentable & took off all my clothes but my panties, grabbed a piece of strawberry, and tried to convince my husband that food can be fun during sex. I realized that I took the strawberry into the bedroom with us to rub along his penis before I sucked it off, and I completely forgot! maybe tonight? still haven't quite wrapped up our toast though.

so i wanted to let you all know that oral sex is damn fun. and how my husband was positively shaking and moaning, just from me licking his balls. i was amazed. i remember wondering the first time i went down on a guy what i was supposed to do with his balls. over the years, i've learned that guys like it when you lick & suck them, and magazines & books agree with this, but no man has ever actually said anything about it. but last night my husband didn't seem to like it, he seemed to positively revel in it. amazing. i never knew!

women don't have anything comparable, not that hangs outside of our bodies, so it's just not something that's very intuitive. and why do some people appreciate having their asses played with or penetrated? don't you think that's a little strange, that there are sex receptors or whatever in the anus? what is that, mother nature's method of birth control? if animals get horny, they can do it in the ass for release, without the threat of children in the near future? wouldn't that be interesting?

of course, thoughts like these make me remember college & animal psychology classes & psych 210 (human sexuality). and did you know that homosexuality is documented in most animal species, and is even pretty prevelant in many of them. see, my mind just trips along. only, i had all these thoughts over the course of like 5 minutes, tops. some days, i wish i could just stay home & write & write!

so this weird... trying to record my thought to thought to thought process has been knocking around in my head for weeks, ever since the first time I did a "day in the life of" entry for all of you to read. it reminds me of an amazing book i read, that i thoroughly enjoyed on many levels. it's called "beggars in spain", a sci-fi book. i don't want to get into it too much here, especially not where the title came from, because that deals with issues that I love about the book that I don't want to talk about right now.

What I want to talk about is something that the Super Sleepless invented. You see, in this book, genetic engineering produced "sleepless" children, who didn't need to sleep, and were pretty much incapable of it. And when they grew up, if they had children together, their children were "Super Sleepless", automatically even more genetically superior than homo sapiens or even their parents. But they had trouble communicating with the outside world. Their minds worked in a slightly different way than everyone else's. And so one of them designed a computer program to help them communicate with each other, and that could demonstrate what was going on in their heads to other people.

You see, every word they spoke in a sentence was related to other words they knew. "The lazy dog jumped over the log." "Lazy" branches out to images of homeless people, fat people, sleeping animals, etc. "Dog" branches out to puppies, the dog you had growing up as a kid, this cartoon you watched once when you were five. "Over" recalls some mental image you have always had in your mind ever since you were in kindergarten and they showed you scarey pictures of a clown on & under & over a box. "Log" reminds you of lincoln logs, log cabins, logging trucks, logging trails, forests. All of this imagery in a split second. So the computer program would diagram sentences in these webs, and learn to accomodate other Super Sleepless' thought structures, to build the webs with more words with each use, making them more & more complex & thorough with every conversation. It was truly an amazing concept.

Except that my mind has always worked this way. And when I tried to explain it to Sweetie, he said his does to. In fact, I think everyone's does, at least to an extent, but we just learn to filter out the unneeded information about all the 5 million different dogs we've ever seen when we talk about the dog jumping over the log. I still love that damn book though.

And trying to write these entries, it makes me think about this book all the time. Because I'm constantly noticing my mind fly off on weird tangents all over the place, and wanting to record for you how I got to these strange places. It's fun, and sometimes frustrating, mostly because it happens so fast & so often, it's next to impossible to do with any level of success. But it is fun to try!

Anyway, hope that bit wasn't to philisophical for any o' y'all. You should really all read that book. I wish I had written that book. It says so much about the kind of person I am, that I wish I had written that book.

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