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#117 - hubby's fantasy ruined
2001-08-06 @ 7:35 p.m.

I am soooo tired, I can't seem to keep my eyes open or stop from yawning! I was a bad girl last night, not going to bed when my hubby did. Not my fault that when he hit the sack at 10pm I frowned, knowing I didn't have to be at work the next day until noon. But then all I could think about was him, and how I had wanted to jump his bones earlier. So I finally went in and tried to do just that. I've had this conversation with him, that it's next to impossible for a woman to surprise a man from sleep with her lips on his penis. At least *my* husband. He sleeps under lots of covers, in undies, on his stomach. Hmph.

So I crawled under the covers & told him to roll over onto his back. Instead of him saying "hell no & turning his head away to bury it under the pillows, he moaned a little and did as I asked. I began to lick his nipple and he didn't make another sound. Weird, but I figured that meant it was ok to continue. So I went down, pulled down his underware, and began to give him a good tongue lashing. When he was nice and hard, I looked up and said, "Do you still want to go back to sleep?" Then I went back down on him. That's when he began to whimper. Not a peep until I asked that question, so I came up & asked him what was wrong, very concerned.

He whined & whimpered and finally found the speech center of his brain, to tell me he had taken a sleeping pill. Shit. I asked him why he hadn't said anything sooner, & he said coz it felt good. I gave him a peck on the forehead, covered him back up, & went out to pleasure myself. But I suddenly didn't feel like it anymore. I turned out the lights and went to bed, laying awake for a 1/2 hour feeling awful. For once, it wasn't a joke that I "molested" my husband. I had actually done it! I felt disgusted with myself, but couldn't figure out what I should have done differently. *I* didn't drug him, he did that himself. And didn't tell me. It's not like I threw myself on him & began to screw him or fondle him. I began innocently enough with his nipple, which he didn't say one thing about. AFTER being coherent enough to roll over when I asked him to. Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that I had done something wrong. I don't think he thought I had, but I still felt yucky nonetheless.

So, I didn't get to sleep until well after midnight I believe, and then for some reason I kept waking up this morning, despite being tired. I think it was because, like yesterday morning, I kept having sexual dreams. I would want to have sex so badly, I would lay there in half sleep contemplating getting out of bed to masturbate, but as soon as I woke up completely, the intense arousal was gone. I *HATE* that! Grr! Left some perfectly good sleep for nothing. Finally dragged my ass out of bed at 9:30, and within a half hour I was awake enough to know I still wanted to have sex pretty bad. So I masturbated for a long time. It was very good. I didn't have an orgasm. I'm going fucking insane! It was very good the whole time, and once again there was this moment where I thought I was beginning to have one, and a few breaths later, it's just over, & I'm left asking, "what the fuck?!" Grr. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I've been doing this alot lately, so that when Sweetie asks me if I had an orgasm, I can only say, "... I *think* so..." That answer is not very satisfying for him. Of course, the experience is quite wonderful, so I don't complain, and I'm usually left wiped because of this stamina we've got going now. But it's pretty strange nonetheless. Hmph.

~ * ~

men can really be annoying, you know that? argh. ok, maybe i shouldn't take one silly co-worker and write off all men, but this guy is really annoying. in fact, i think he's a whiney pussy sometimes. i *hate* the way guys like to call other guys pussies. i think it's lame that so many people resort to labeling traits as "feminine" or "masculine", and anytime a woman acts "masculine" she's butch or a dyke, and anytime a guy acts "feminine" he's gay or a pussy. Puh-leeze! But I know that I whine alot, and that's something that drives guys crazy. And I don't mean into a sexual frenzy, either. And this co-worker of mine, he is the whiniest bitch I've ever met since me! Somehow we kinda became friends while I was sitting in the techie area, and me him & gaypal would rag on the bossman together. Real bonding experience, y'know? Well, over time, his whineyness became really annoying, and it was perfectly ok when they wanted me to move out of there, since gaypal had left for the other office a few weeks previous, and I was getting sick of whiney-bitch guy. Anyway, this is the same guy that I think I've mentioned once as I was kinda concerned that he might have a teensy crush on me or something, coz he's always grinning at me. It's hard to explain. Well, lately it's been our habit that he walks by my office & he asks me how's things. I either say fine, or if things are really trashy, I be a little more honest and remark on how high the crap is that day. This recalls bonding days of yore. Cool. Well, today was one of my "fine" days, but he looked like he wanted to ask me to elaborate, but then he didn't, so he just left on his merry way. So 5 minutes later I see him in another part of the office, and we're both heading back to our areas down the same hallways, and he says excuse me, and tries to change stride from me so we don't smack into each other. Well, I purposely glued myself to his side with a giggle, pushing him closer to the wall for emphasis. He said "please don't" in his weary, "I'm an intellectual giant among fools" voice, and ducked into the nearest doorway. I'm like, whatever. I go to my desk, and not a minute later he walks by on the way to his. As he's walking by I don't raise my head, and call out, "*I* thought it was funny". He doesn't stop moving, calling back, "I'm glad someone did." Fucker. One minute he's acting hurt that all he got was a "fine" out of me, the next I'm trying to cozy up to him to make up for it & I get a "please don't". Whiney dork. ppppbbbbbbbb.

Thing is, he's pulled this shit before, & acts like his foul mood didn't put me off the day before. Once, he seriously hurt my feelings, I think by saying something snappish & sharp or something (I don't remember). And even then I never got an apology or an admittal that he was acting whiney or dorkey. So now I try very hard not to spend too much time with him, because I'm sick of feeling like we share some intimate bonding moments as friends, and an hour later he lets his bad moods shit all over me. That's not cool. Come on, do you really have to take your shit out on EVERYONE? The thing is, I just heard him laughing with someone else. Fucker.

~ * ~

hmm... I thought I had something to add here once I got home, but now I can't think of anything! Maybe I'll work on my new layout tonight? I have 2 competing ideas right now. But also competing for my time is the wedding. Ack! It's THIS SATURDAY! My Sweetie & I are writing a toast together. I really wanted to do it over a weekend, to be fresh & have lots of time when we started on it, but we kinda forgot about it this weekend, and now all we got left is until Thursday night, because Friday's the rehearsal! Yikes! Ooooooo god, I just remembered that the Reunion is Sunday morning. The picnic anyway. I haven't prepared myself for that in anyway. I soooo want to go, but I think I'm not steeling myself because I'm not certain I'm going to be able to drag my ass out of bed early enough to make the picnic, not after Saturday & the high stress & late hours! We'll just have to see.

Oddly enough, my ex-best friend SM from high school emailed me a week ago. I only just yesterday emailed her back. She wants to get together if I have time. I'm sorry, but time isn't what's the problem. It's that you were a SHIT to me, and you haven't said you're sorry, and I don't want you to, I pretty much want you to not talk to me again, except every 10 years at reunions. I feel no desire to hate you, or to be your friend. Just to occassionally hear that you're alive and whether or not you have kids yet, etc. Don't be offering me no coffee shop meetings! Grr. I don't know what to do about this.

Um, last night I went to a chat room for the first time in about a month. I decided awhile ago that having anonymous sex, even just in chat rooms while you masturbate, is just not for me. Not while I'm working to have a healthy relationship with my husband. Even though he said he didn't mind, as long as I didn't finish and that took away from my sex drive & time with him. But I was bored last night, and wanting to chat, so I poked around the rooms. Wait, maybe this was Saturday? I'm sure it doesn't matter to you guys what day it was...

Anyway, I logged on with my normal log-in name, not my fuck-me-now login, so I only got 2 random hits. 1 was a guy who wanted to know what I looked like, etc, in hopes of getting it on. I tried to be friendly & answer his questions, so I finally asked what he wanted to talk about, and he said sex, I told him that wasn't what I was there for. He said "kewl" & left. And then another guy started chatting me in Spanish. I'm like, dude! I don't know Spanish! Eventually he figured it out & switched to English, & we had a conversation that I think he understood most of, but his English wasn't great. Strange, how he didn't understand what I meant when I asked him if he liked the city he lived in, but he used lots of long vocabulary words with near-perfect syntax, and shorter sentences with sucky syntax. Hmm. Anyway, he was nice enough. We chatted for a few about mundane crap, & then it was time for bed. He thanked me for my time & patience when I had to go. Isn't that sweet?

Still, I don't know why I was there. It kind of bothers me that I was. I mean, I could have gone to one of the non-adult rooms, but instead I went to my regular role-playing and another adult room. What's wrong with me? maybe I'm just guilting myself over something that's not a big deal, because I had absolutely no desire to sex-chat anyone, despite wanting to have sex with my husband later.

Well, I just went to the grocery store with my husband, and I'm about to sit down to dinner. FOOD! Did not have breakfast today, only lunch, so that's almost 8 hours between meals. HUNGRY. Enough deep thoughts & overanalyzing for now. Ciao.

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