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#111 - paranoid!
2001-08-02 @ 4:41 p.m.

who am i? who is this person? i've always been paranoid, but the real me, the deep down me, knows what she knows to be true. paranoid me can question existence, wonder about what causes the bizarre things around me, if everyone's a goddamned alien & i'm not & it's a giant plot to fuck with my mind. but real me knows the earth is flat, this *is* earth, and i'm just a paranoid freak.

but this. oh god, it's so scarey to think you might be right. i don't know how to set it aside. Sweetie woke up at 1:30 last night because i somehow left the bedroom door open & the cat woke him up. He was grumpy & went to pee. He asked why I was up. I said I didn't want to talk about it if he was sleepy & had to go to bed. He whined, and I said not to worry about it and get his sleep & I would be in bed soon. So I locked things up in my head and went to bed within a 1/2 hour. After wondering why the shit always hits the fan after midnight on a weeknight when nobody who loves you is awake & you have to get up in 6 hours to go to work.

Today I'm trying to be happy me. Because I do like my job. I like my coworkers. They like me. They think I do a good job. There's no reason for me to be unhappy here. They let me go part time. So what's wrong with me?

But in the pauses, my mind whirls as it remembers. It thinks. It ponders. To think you may be right is terrifying.

I wonder how he could have put up such a fight if he was having an affair. How he could have cried so much when I told him about R. It's ridiculous, right? Who would cry that their wife was having an online fling when you're doing something similar or worse?

So now R. is in my mind. If my husband is cheating on me, am I supposed to somehow beg R. to come back. God. What's wrong with me? R. hurt me. Badly. And somehow, I think I hurt him, although I don't know how. What happened between R. & me is in the past. Ancient history already. I would sooner take up with PS or RH than contact R. again. Except maybe as friends. But it hurts too much to even think of that, and it would hurt my Sweetie for me to ever be friends with R.

So I think about it. What would I do if it's true? I can't leave him. I just can't. I love him to death. He's my everything. Finally, for the first time, I'm really truly dedicated to this relationship. I'm tired of chasing rainbows that have no end. I think that maybe fate's real, and my fate is here with my husband. But, dammit, I don't want fate to put me in a position to choose fate with a man who's capable of cheating on me. God, what a hypocrite.

Please God, Goddess, NOB, St. Fuck, let it not be true. I love him so much. I don't need perfection. Just honesty & love. And no more cheating. Please, no more cheating.

~ * ~

my mind is racing. just had a weird conversation with boss lady about husband's losing wedding rings. it was funny at the time, how she said how bossman almost lost his wedding ring this week, so I related how my husband is losing all this weight and he wears it on his thumb. except even before he started losing weight, when he sits at a table in a restaurant with nothing to do, he takes it off & makes it spin around on the table. and about 25% of the time it flies off the table. this kind of pisses me off, but i laugh it off. until today. until bosslady said that galpal coworker's ex-husband lost his wedding ring in a bar. because he took it off, obviously. you do not lose your wedding ring in a bar, that's just cruel. so suddenly the tone was different & she left. and paranoid me, i'm wondering if he plays with his rings because it chafes. not physically, but emotionally. when we got married, we were both nervous, because he has a problem with jewelry. it's hard to wear a new ring, I know from experience. but he fell into the habit easily. then maybe a year ago he started his "neat ring tricks". i can only imagine how many times he's almost lost the thing when he's not with me. at a bar. god, i'm going insane. i'm supposed to take JP to a shop to pick up her wedding present she had special ordered for her fiance. she's so excited to see it, i just couldn't say no. so now i can't go home and talk to my husband about this. i have to go play with JP for awhile, then go home & deal with this. god, i'm going insane.

~ * ~

right before i woke up this morning, i had this short little dream. it was about 2 men, 1 who had lost a son, & 1 who had lost a daughter, both on the same day like 3 years back. and they met & got to know each other & then found out about this coincidence. and one of them wrote that famous goo-goo dolls song from "city of angels" that sounds romantic but is really about loss, & it was about losing his son & wishing he would come back. it was a heartbreaking little dream. i woke up and pondered it, wondering how the 2 men could have met & not known each other before. i thought it might make a nice little story if the 2 children died together, maybe teenagers in an accident or something. but if they had died together, the men would have met. you always see that stuff on the news. families who don't know each other coming together to comfort each other when they both lose members in the same tragedy. so sad. i don't know why i dreamed about it though. maybe the firefighters who recently died in Eastern Washington. one of their fathers was on the news last night, saying that "they" had underestimated the fire, & if "they" hadn't done that, then his son & the rest of the dead would never have been sent to that area to die. yah, maybe that's why i dreamed about it.

~ * ~

interior monologue: get to work. no, you're not going to cry. you're just being lazy. get to work. only an hour more. but i want to... no! no, no, no!!! you will not curl up in a ball in the corner! you did that last week! and the week before that! you will not miss anymore time from work! not this week! no! you're just paranoid! stop it! no crying! get to work! now! now!

I broke down & called JP to reschedule. I thought it would be easy. I get off really early on Fridays, so we could do it early tomorrow afternoon. Except she didn't answer her phone. So I called her cell phone, & she didn't answer that. And I left a weird message because I was confused because I've been making phone calls all day to strange people demanding money & I was about to leave her a generic collections call message. So when she calls she's going to ask what's wrong, & I'm going to say nothing, I was just confused, but can we reschedule for tomorrow because it's urgent that i talk to my husband right away before i crawl out of my skin with insane paranoia??? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am thinking of re-doing my layout again. I really like it, but no one else ever said anything nice about it (actually, I think 1 person did, but now I can't remember who...). And it seems that I have a bigger monitor at home than at work, because it barely fits on my work monitor. Does anyone else think that the table with my entries is too wide? It looks nice and cropped on my monitor at home, with a nice plain white margin on the right, but at work if I make the window as big as my screen size, I get maybe a centimeter or so of white. I can't imagine what anyone with a 15" monitor would be looking at. Yuck. When I built it, I'm like, who has 15" anymore? Duh. iMacs. Eeek. So does my site suck? Sorry. I saw something I really liked yesterday, which inspired me, but I don't want to just rip her off. Grr. I want to do something very plain & clean, but I don't know what to do with all the rings I've joined. They make the site look so damn busy. Grr.

~ * ~

i'm thinking about having my husband reading my diary, and i realized something about why i don't want him to. a few weeks ago, Sir Heimer stated his belief that it's important not to keep secrets from your mate. He and his girl Snowgrrl read each others diaries regularly. I can't wrap my mind around this. At the time, I didn't know how to vocalize a response as to why I think that's just a bad idea. Since then, he & Snowy have done fairly well with it, only resorting to arguing with each other through their diaries once. But ouch. And now, Gwenllian is going through something similar. Her husband started a diary. He just finally read her entries. They're having a major blow-up because of it. He thinks that she's not 100% honest with him about her emotions, saying one thing to his face, then going to her diary to rant later.

so this brings things to me and mine. my diary & my husband & my secrets. i don't want secrets from my husband. i never have. but as my therapist says, there's a reason why we're not psychicly connected with our mate, reading every thought. how could you stand each other? i'm sorry, but i'm a little psycho. i scare myself with my moods. how the fuck would someone else understand the mile a minute mood swings i have? 1 minute i'd want to clunk R. over the head, the next i wanted to take him in my arms & hold him forever. i don't remember ever wanting to clunk my Sweetie, but i do get violently angry sometimes. that's just not good. it's not healthy. so you let yourself cool off.

the only time i've ever spoken in the heat of the moment without thinking first was disasterous. you normally have at least a moment to think. i took that moment, saw the consequences, and said fuck it. it would feel sooooo good to say it. i told my first love, RH, I never wanted to speak to him again. i shouted it as he was bolting from the house. i instantly regretted it. but i was afraid of chasing after him and getting ran over, because he was now in his car & violently angry. and that was the end of any kind of friendship with him. i tried to apologize over & over again, but it was months before he forgave me for that one statement. that one statement i had *EVERY* right to say, but was just not good to say, not if i wanted to continue to be his friend.

so Sweetie. he's a wonderful guy. he understands me like no one else. but *I* don't understand me. why the fuck should i introduce him to my stream-of-consciousness? what good will hurting him like that do??? sometimes, i want him to know the things i feel, and i talk with him about them. having the diary is good like that. i think about it as i write. then i go talk to him about it. but i see no good coming of a couple sharing thoughts like this. some things are meant to be private. they are fleeting thoughts of pain, hurt, anger, insecurity. you get over them. to voice them 24/7 just hurts the other person. i've never gone back & re-read my 100+ entries. i read them once or twice after i write them, then not again, with an exception here or there if i was looking for a reference. so what the hell am i going to do if my husband reads those entries from the beginning? i'm not that person anymore! i don't have those emotions anymore. they're gone, kaput, fine'. they do me no good, and they do him no good to read them now. i need to live in the present. and live for the future.

i just hope there is one. i think i've finally gotten it down, how to be with my husband and bliss out in his arms. but, god, what if i just fucked up too much and he was weak? and he didn't tell me? god, what will i do then?

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