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#110 - paranoid?
2001-08-02 @ 12:37 a.m.

this is a very strange sensation. i'm afraid. but let me backtrack. i can't sleep. ok, i didn't really try, but I was in bed for almost 1/2 an hour and i was still wide awake, and then i started thinking, and i just had to get up and put this down, to see what's going on in my head.

i've never doubted my husband before. in cases where it's his instinct over mine, we both think we're right, and we both think that it's a matter of not trusting one another when that's just silly. you just always think *you're* right, y'know? i know i need to lay down my anger when he doesn't believe me.

but i've never not trusted my husband. there was never any question in my mind that he would ever hurt me. he would *never* cheat on me. he would never purposely do anything else to hurt me. he would always love me and me alone.

until now. until today. it's been eating at me, this idea that he slept with JP during high school while i was away at college. twice. and that he kept a secret stash of porn, despite us supposedly being open about our use of porn together. and then there was the skipped paycheck fiasco that he didn't tell me about or consult with me about, and took over a week to tell me about. things have been kind of... i don't know, i haven't really been questioning lately, i think i accepted it rather well, actually. but every now & then, it pops into my mind, and it's like i just found out all over again, and i have to accept it all over again, & let it go all over again. i can't seem to put these things behind me.

and yesterday he cried. he said he was depressed. he read the first paragraph of my diary, then felt guilty and told me about it. i came home & held him. he said he didn't know why he was sad. it struck me that maybe he was on the precipice of revealing something. something he didn't want to reveal. something he had been keeping from me. something big. then the moment passed, and i let it go.

until tonight. we had not had sex for about a week and a half. it had been driving me crazy late last week, but i was still on my period, and the weekend was so swamped, and then i was so exhausted. it never happened last night. so i came home tonight, got everything out of the way, read some of my stories & some alt.sex.stories stuff to get me in the mood, and was ready to jump him when he walked in the front door. he said he had to run first. i said nope, sex first. he said if he had sex first, there was no way he could run after. i said that's too bad, coz we're having sex, as i pulled him towards the bedroom. he gave his defeated laugh and said, "but i can't just not run today." that did it. it bothers me all of the things that i give up for him that i never tell him about. so when he complains to me that he would have to give something up to do something with me, it just seems... cruel or something. not his fault, but it does. i was instantly not in the mood & i walked away. he came over and put me in the mood. we went to the bedroom.

and things just seemed off. i sucked and sucked at his cock, because i was soooo damn ready to just fuck, i wanted to skip all foreplay and do it, so i wanted to make him as hot as me. but instead of getting hot and throwing me to the bed to fuck, he just laid there when i got tired or hot & i paused to check if we were raring to go yet. he was never raring to go. finally, i realized his cock wasn't quite as hard as it normally was. what the fuck? finally he suggested 69, and i just let it go.

so what the fuck? is my husband cheating on me? or still just addicted to porn and masturbating too much in his spare time & afraid to tell me? if that's it, god, let me know, because it is simply unnerving to doubt my husband. he is my rock. my world. my everything. shrinky-dink says it's impossible to be happy living your life just revolving around one person. you need your friends & family too. i find it hard to see anything else when he's around, but especially when he's not around, i want him to be. god, what if he's cheating on me?

i'm a paranoid person. back in college, when i was depressed, i used to wonder if he would cheat on me. i didn't believe he would, but i made myself think about it to make myself more depressed. it didn't work though, because i realized the man had no spare time. he was constantly with me, or at work. this has remained true to this day.

so where did he find the time to amass this giant porn collection? and how does he manage to masturbate 3 times in one day without me knowing? what else can he be doing with this free time he's finding?

i'm paranoid, frightened, and insecure right now. it's 12:35am, and i'm still not sleepy. what to do? what to do? this is strange territory.

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