Straw,

I'm sure you knew your latest entry would get a peep out of me ;-)

First things first; I know you just said it out of confusion, and don't mean it, but NO; you do not hook up with R. again. You hook up with no one while you are with your husband. Doing that would make you a hypocrite. However, the key here is that he has to realize this as well. When you told him about R., he could have reacted a few different ways, and I mean inside, not what you heard from him.

First, he could have been affronted and angry. Inside, though, he decides this is an excuse for him to do the same, since being caught means he could point his finger at your infidelity and you could just "call it even."

Secondly, he could be truly angry, but be permanently paranoid.

Finally, he could resolve right then that rather than ever do such a thing himself, he would prove to be the stronger one by not doing it at all.

With me, it was number three all the way, with a tad bit of number two thrown in. You know this, though. The good thing about this, aside from flat out feeling good about yourself, is that if the other person screws up a second time, you have all the right and power to say "adios" and leave knowing you were perfectly solid.

I am not saying your husband is or is not capble of the above, just offering some scenarios from experience.

Second subject: are you paranoid? I'd have to say that's a possibility and it's justified, again speaking from experience. I'm very paranoid. Every time my woman wanders away from her desk at work I wonder, instinctively, what is she up to? It takes my concentration on my heart and brain to know she's just working, not working it....

This gets better with each passing day, and I'm not even sure it's paranoia as much as it is me never again letting my guard down.

In your case, though, your paranoia is more, I sense, a product of your own infidelity rather than his. In the end, though, the results can be the same.

Please note that I use the term "infidelity" above in a loose sense; I am by no means implying anything regarding your actions one way or another.

The last thing: with regards to your thoughts on secrets and diary sharing.

I was like you in thought, once. I believed both couples should have their secrets to themselves. My eyes were obviously opened recently when I realized that hiding those thoughts is far more dangerous than exposing them.

Ok, so these diaries are our escapes or ventilation or whatever, but do you honestly think that every thought we have is recorded in the diary? Every attitude and feeling we experience gets put in here? No way. For starters, emotions and attitudes are such a fleeting thing, that one's entry usually only reflects the current frame of mind. If they didn't, then every entry of mine would be this roller coaster ride as my emotions went from morning crankiness and took off from there.

There are two sides to every debate, and the great couples/secrets one has supporters on both sides of the fence. I have spent a good deal of time reading on both sides of the issue (not that it takes someone else to tell me what I should think, but more or less it's nice to see what points can be raised for each side), and I have fallen heavily in favor of the open minded, no secrets, relationship.

Do I think this works for everyone? No way. No two relationships are the same. Some people don't need to share their deepest thoughts, but I have to wonder if those that don't truly connect on the same level that my wife and I do?

I'd love to offer you advice on how to handle your suspicions, but I can't. I won't tell you to relax, because you could be right. At least in your case, if you are, it won't be a shocking surprise as it was with me.

If he is cheating, then you will have to make a tough decision. No matter what, though, I would never yield to the "you did it so I did" excuse. Certainly not more than once.

Good luck, and I hope it is just paranoia.

-SH

Whew! that is like the longest email I have ever read! And here I was wondering if anyone reads my damn diary anymore...

First, about R. You & Sweetie mentioned the exact same thing, that no way can my diary record all of my thoughts. But I try very hard to make it do that. That's why I've been keeping a simpleText sheet open at work, and as something new pops into my brain, I jot it down. R. was one of those thoughts, and completely fleeting. But I don't think I suggested that I would try and hook up with him right now. What I *really* thought about was after finding out Sweetie had cheated on me, what would I do? Would I leave? Would I stay? Would I be so weak as to try immediately to find another man to console me? And should that person be R.? NO! God no! Yuck. He was so horrible for me. And I have no intentions of ever getting near a situation like that again while I'm *with* my husband.

Second, about paranoia. *sigh* I feel so damn silly & embarrassed, I may never write in that damn diary again. Of course he wasn't cheating on me. Of course he wasn't. DUH. It was very strange, but as soon as I left the office, my mood started to change. When I got home, we IM each other for a 1/2 hour about silly inconsequential stuff, and then I went out with JP. And I felt so calm & good about life, & I knew it was ridiculous. But I knew he would want to know what the fuck had gone on with me last night, so we talked about it, and he proved that I'm just a weirdo paranoid freak. OK, so he doesn't think so. He said that he thinks that I'm more like everyone else than I think, which is very sweet, especially since I couldn't sum everything up so nicely, so I let him read my last 2 diary entries. And he didn't run screaming from the room that I'm a crazy lunatic. Huh.

3rd, about the secrets thing. I think you're right, each couple is different. Sweetie raised alot of your same points against my points, but the whole thing doesn't matter. He doesn't want to read my diary. He said he only read the beginning of one entry the other day because he was feeling sad & he wanted to feel more sad. That is soooooo familiar! I do that to myself all the time. I have told him that he can read my diary, but not while he's sad. If he wants to read it, it needs to be while he's strong, and while I'm there so we can talk about what he reads. Because like I said, I'm not the person I was 3 months ago, pining over R., and I think I would need to reassure him of that if he reads the diary. But he says he doesn't want to, and I should believe him, despite my damn paranoia that won't go away.

So how's that? One long email for another. Cheers! Hope all is well with you. And thanks for the email. I was feeling really down that I seem to have lost my damn audience. At least I know I still have one regular reader!

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