<< - >>

#373 - 2nd entry today, my response
09.22.05 @ 11:16 pm

My response to her emails. 2nd entry today.

7:13pm
I miss the luxury of free time at work. I very much wanted to write you all day, and would have loved to write my every thought as it occurred to me. My mind was preoccupied with you all day.

This morning I kept wondering how much I had upset you by my email. I wondered if I had pushed you too far. I knew that there was nothing less than the truth I could offer you, so I was willing to accept whatever happened.

Later today, I wanted to throw all caution to the wind. I felt such remorse at everything I'd said, that none of it was worshipful enough, and the bad parts were very, very bad and I was doomed and I wanted to intercept the email before you read it and say no, no, but this is how I feel *now*.

I thought I could invite your family to a Halloween "party" at my place, where the 6 of us would play games and watch scary movies and eat food that was bad for us and just relax together. I love Halloween so much, and everything that goes with it, and I thought it would be nice to share this with you and yours, as well as finally get to see you again. Maybe we could disappear in a bathroom and have our 2nd first kiss?

I was so optimistic.

This evening, I am pessimistic. I know I've ruined everything. I did it all wrong. I have no idea what I could have done differently, but I know I shouldn't have said anything in that stupid email. I should have just deleted it and waited to write you today.

Have I messed up irrevocably? I will log on now, and see if there is mail from you. Angry? Sad? No email at all? What the fuck have I done?

7:15pm
You wrote me THREE emails!!!!!! I will parse these out like tiny morsels in the face of a dire shortage. I will re-read the email I sent last night, to remember how evil I was, so best to apologize. Then I will read your emails. I am giddy. Oh, I will put on Rufus first. I can't believe you like him!

7:18pm
Fuck, why is my computer so slow? Do I have to restart????

7:23pm
#1, I can't let this turn into what happened with S. I was so selfish. I test her constantly. With or without her knowledge, until it all piled up into a big shit hole that I didn't realize I had made, and she sunk into it and started screaming at me and I didn't even realize what I'd done wrong. I was just trying to protect me, right? Right now, I would much rather put you on a pedastal and kiss your feet and say nice things and just smile at you all day long, than try and protect me. If I just open up, come out from behind the wall. You will hurt me, but you will soothe me. I won't die, right? Whatever happens, something happens after that, and it won't kill me, right?

7:32pm
OK. OK. I can do this. You didn't say anything about what I said about J. I thought you would be screaming at me.

I miss your boys. Over everything, not being in their lives was what I regretted most. I kept wanting to say something, email something, send something. But I told myself no. If it's the end, it needs to be a clean break for them. It would be hard enough for them to just not see me anymore, without them wondering why I would be flaky and try in spurts.

You sound so healthy. I like reading about your life. But you sound distant now. None of that heart-thudding stuff from your first email. Or pissyness from last yesterday's email.

You have mentioned that I wasn't the only one hurt. I am definitely aware of this. I know I messed up and hurt you. I just don't know how. I am thinking and analyzing myself, mostly in generalities. But you never told me what it was that had you keeping from screaming at me about my selfishness. I will try not to put you there again. But it would be easier if I knew how I got you there.

8:01pm
I am recovering from email #2. I haven't cried like this in years. In the first year after therapy, I used to cry sometimes when E. held me, because I had done so much not to deserve him, and there he was, after it all, still mine.

You have given me one of the biggest gifts in my life. You have accepted who I am, the big nutjob, and told me you will not turn me away. I have spent so much of my life feeling unloved or unworthy of love or just plain lonely. And you have told me these things are not necessary and they are dumb and I am dumb and you love me and you will love me despite all my bullshit. And I'm crying again. I may just frame this email.

8:06pm
OK, I will try to continue this "conversation" without too much sobbing.

I have been thinking about J. alot today too. Can you unjudge someone? Who knows? Can I spend time with him? I think so. What will that be like? No way to know until I try I suppose.

Over the months, I have thought about J. almost as much as you. Sometimes, it was easier to think about him than you. He's never hurt me personally. I have so many mixed emotions where he is concerned. He can be sweet and funny and brooding and angry and flippant. I guess he *is* human then. Huh. I asked myself today, if my father had not molested my sister, had not broken my mother's nose in front of me, had not held a gun to my brother's head, would I have forgiven him? Would he be my Father, with a capital F?

The answer is yes. He would be my Father if he hadn't been such a particularly evil horror.

I think this means I can forgive J. for being a complete dick to you and your kids. I was a complete bitch to you and you forgave me.

And by forgiving J., I don't mean he should suddenly feel worth of not groveling in my presence. God. I mean I will pay penance in my heart for judging him. I will try to remain calm and hold peace in my heart when I think of him or see him. For my sake, not his. My hope is he will never know how evilly I felt towards him, and eventually we can be friends.

Of course, you have this habit of telling J. everything. I do the same thing with E.

I will deal.

I have often been annoyed with E. that if he cannot enjoy the things I enjoy, why can't he see my enjoyment and feel happy for me? I will try and do this with J. J. is your husband and you love him, and I will be happy that you are happy.

My final note on this email (and I still have one more to go!!!!) is your comments on my judgementalness. (is that a word??? if not, I just made it up...) I am mystified. I am coming to terms with my selfishness. I know I'm a nutjob. I know I'm annoying as fuck sometimes (often? ask E., he will say yes...)

You said: "Just as being selfish is a part of you, so is judgment. You and I both know this."

I say: um, huh? I wish I knew what you were talking about, really. Either your crazy, or you are so psychic, you know me better than I do. *sigh* I certainly don't think you're crazy... Dammit. What the hell? I'm judgemental?????? Honestly, I have no clue where this comes from. I really hope you have pity on me and give me examples or something.

OK, that wasn't the last thing about that email. I'm glad you're ok with the distance. Yep, very glad. Right now, I cannot sit in a car long enough to even consider going to see you, which pisses me off. My email phobia is super-intense right now. Oddly, I had no fear opening any of your emails or responding to them... Just trepidation on what I would find, but (good) anxious to see what was inside. Have you ever noticed that "anxious" can be a used in positive and negative context? I'm anxious to meet you = I can't wait. I'm anxious about my test results = I'm getting an ulcer wondering if I have crabs. Weird.

I too believe space is good. But right now it's pissing me off because there's nothing more in the world I wish I could do than hug you for all I'm worth.

Oh, my favorite Rufus song is on. I can't believe I almost threw out my CD because of my initial response to this song: "14th Street". Oh, I get mixed up. 14th street is my 2nd favorite. "Oh What a world" is my favorite. And "The Art Teacher" is my 3rd favorite. Except not in that order. They are like tied for 1st place.

OK, on to email 3. "super secret blog". ooooo. I was not going to say anything, but I have one of those. In fact, I found it very suspicious to find your first email in my box, having been written within 24 hours of me updating my "super secret blog" for the first time in some months. And I wrote about you. And how Ana�s' feelings for June reminded me of my feelings for you, her feelings for Henry reminded me of my feelings for J, and her feelings for Hugo remind me of E.

8:32pm
Why am I giddy to read this email that starts in the height of you hating me? Ack!

See, Henry and June reminds me of us, but not. For 15 years I thought it was pronounced "Uh-nay" Frenchy bastards. S. (god, her again) had this perfume called Anais Anais, and I *swear* the commercials pronounced it that way. However, in the movie, she makes a big deal explaining to June how to say her name, and June says Henry got it wrong. Henry pronounces it "Ann-iss", emphasis on the "Ann". Working through the actresses accent, I believe it's truly pronounced "Anna-eesss". Like Anna-Ease, but with a soft, hissy "ssss" like a snake sound. Emphasis on the 2nd syllable.

OK, I will read the rest now, starting with March 12

8:54pm
I thought about you when we went to San Juan island. On the way there, we drove by Burlington, and E asked if that was the mall, and I said yes, that's the mall we went to for dinner after leaving K's on New Years' Day. We had fun together at that mall. But when we drove by it, all I could think about was you. How close we were to continue on to Bellingham and then Ferndale and then you. I was melancholy as we turned off and passed the AM/PM where I got gas a few times driving back from seeing you.

I don't know why you thought any of this would "piss me off or hurt me". Most of it wasn't about me. Mostly, I am intensely curious who all of these men are that I've never heard of. Didn't you say in your earlier email that there had only been one guy? I don't mind. We've been apart. We may never be "together" again. But I am very curious who these people are and how you met them and why they were important to you and how your relationships with them have progressed since then. You sound so lonely, in the midst of so many people clammering for your attention. It is hard to be lonely, harder when there are people all around you.

It is so important to me that you "get" me. I'm sorry I didn't "get" you. I thought I did quite often. And when I didn't, that was ok to me, because you were still you, K., the chick that I digged so much. I never did understand why it upset you so much that I didn't get a lot of your jokes, because I found it so amusing that you had amused yourself. It was enough for me. I'm so sorry it wasn't enough for you. If it makes you feel any better, E. never laughs at my jokes. When he does, we make a big to-do about it.

9:04pm
Had to go check that CSI was recording. E. is at his Boy Club night, and he would kill me if I didn't record the premiere of CSI. Do you have TV yet??? There are so many good shows this season, I may never leave my TV again... :/

TV: mother, lover, life-giver.... mmmm, TV....

Um, yah... Oh, a bit about me. I hardly ever update my blog. I am lazy and distracted and tired and sore and working and avoiding housework.

We adopted a kitten named Fiona. She is a nutjob. She is Karma reigning down on Kyra for being so evil to Kitty. Now we take Kyra into the bedroom at night, close the door, and lavish her with attention so she can relax and not constantly be looking over her shoulder for the next attack. Then we kick her out and she doesn't want to go, because she knows Fiona will pounce her as soon as she hits the threshold. JUST like she did every night to Kitty. Oh, pay back is delicious!!!

Fiona smells. She does not clean her butt well enough or something. Plus, she FARTS all the time. It's unbelievable. I call her stinky and refuse to hold her in my work clothes or going-out clothes or before bed. I am already enough of a germ freak without washing my hands 20 extra times a day because of her stink. Ack!

In a desparate bid to head-off my sciatica, I dumped the Jetta (if you hurry, it might still be for sale at the lot...) and bought a Hyundai Santa Fe mid-size SUV. It is a dream. So damned comfy.

It does jack shit for my sciata. Hence, the chiropractor. I started seeing him about 3 weeks ago now. He has worked out a 3-month schedule, 3 days a week for the first half, 2 times a week the 2nd. He has shown me X-rays showing how my right hip is lower than my left, which makes my right leg shorter than my left. Plus, he said my right hip juts forward as well. And on top of all that, the big vertabrae right before the tail bone starts have squished and pushed out one of my disks so that it looks non-existant from one view, totally pushed out to the side/back in another. It makes me furious that Group Death did ZERO x-rays and sent me to "physical therapy" twice that constituted a mean woman examinging how limber I was and showing me how to do interesting push ups that would strengthen my back and THAT'S IT. 8 years later, it's next to impossible for me to hold a full-time job, and my spine is dangerously close to being unfixable without surgery. Hurray!!!!!!!

I am so used to being flippant at the end of commenting about my own drama, that sometimes I do it for other people and later I realized how totally DUMB and insensitive that is. The UPS guy at work for many years had an interesting history of ailments in his family, and one day he was telling me about his wife's bout with cancer, and I actually said "Excellent" in my patented tone of disbelief at one particularly gruesome turn in the story. That was years ago and I still feel like an idiot. Sometimes, the shit that comes out of my mouth.... I remember a baseball game once where I could NOT stop swearing, no matter how many times E. hissed at me and literally ribbed me because there were some stranger's kids sitting next to me.

I like my job. I like my co-workers. My job is annoying and so are my co-workers. Eh. *shrug*

It was so amazingly sad when [my company] went out of business. I still can't believe they're gone.

My neice's birthday party is Saturday. I can't stop buying presents for A. when it's her birthday or Christmas. I had worked it out that I would buy her the 3 books she asked for that weren't Garfield (I am the bookish yet cool Aunt who promotes reading and excelling in school, not childish comics that I once owned every book of when I was her age...). Plus one of the Bratz (ugh) dolls she asked for. The end. Oh, plus a copy of Clive Barker's Arabat, about the most interesting kids book ever - if only it had been around when I was a kid. And then at the bookstore they only had 1 of the books I needed, so I compensated by getting a different book by the same author. At Target to pick up the doll (stupid saucy whore-like thing that are all the rage with the under-12 set right now, ick), I got a fancy gift back and wrapping paper and flower stick-ons for the bag, instead of going to Big Lots! for the 99 cent jobbie I had planned on. At a 2nd book store I found one more book she wanted. And wandered over to the Etcetera to buy her hair thingees and lip gloss and a little watch. At the 3rd bookstore I *finally* found the 3rd book that no other store in the greater Seattle area seems to want to stock, and picked up a book on dogs for her as well because she just got a new puppy. Oh, and I bought almost $30 worth of beading supplies to make her a necklace that I still haven't gotten around to doing.

The kids in this family are sooooo spoiled. And I am soooooooo guilty.

My 4th favorite Rufus song just came on "Across the Universe". I thought it was a fiona apple song. She does an amazing job of it for the soundtrack to Pleasantville, which was the first time I'd ever heard it. Then a few months ago we were at Fat Burger (I *heart Fat Burger) and the song came on the juke box by the Beatles! Holy Cow! I had no idea!!!

Some days, I miss Kitty a lot. Most days, I am ok because I have forgotten about him. Some days I am guilty when I remember I've forgotten him. Some days I smile as I talk about him and Kyra's karma meted (?sp) out via Fiona. Other days I find his hair on my shirt at work and I start sobbing.

I am so glad we are going to be friends again. I want us to be more than friends. I just don't know how much more. Friends with benefits? Friends who make out sometimes? Friends who giggle while plotting how best to molest each other's husbands? I dunno. I'm not going to worry about it. You want something from me. You want to be my friend. That is enough for me. You kind of want more, kind of don't know what you want. That is where I am. We are in a good boat together. I think it can be solid. I just have to believe in the boat.

E. thinks we are a death spiral waiting to happen. He is very amusing, and very... succinct? Eerily accurate anyway as he's describing how you and I interact. He says we each say things that hurt each other and take it way too seriously. He said we are a death spiral because one of us will say "you hurt me, and it hurts me that you don't understand that you've hurt me", to which the other will respond "you've hurt me and it hurts me that you don't understand that you've hurt me". We will eat each other up and snipe and wound and cry.

I do not want these things. I do not want the death spiral. I want friendship and talks and giggles and hugs and maybe a spontaneous kiss or two.

How does that sound?

It is now 9:34pm. My arms are tired from resting here to type to you. Joy: my ass doesn't hurt! Holy shit!

I think I have said enough for now. I have no idea what else I could say after all this... !

I want you to be happy. I hope I can help make you happy.

Would you like to spend Halloween Saturday with me?

last - next