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strawburygrl feels
strawburygrl feels
Maybe it would help if there was some finality to it. Just deciding not to email her again doesn't provide for much closure, y'know? And she hasn't emailed me since, so every time I check my email I wonder if there will be something there because I never told her it was over. Like it's not *obvious*. But still.
Just when I think I'm ok, something pops up to remind me what I've lost, and I just ache like it's new.
For the most part, I think it's just that I can't replace her. I can't come close to fulfilling the void created by her absence. I just have to pretend that it's not there.
Because I have been left friendless. All I have is my husband and his family. I lost S. almost the moment DW came into my life. I have thought about it, and I refuse to beg to her to be my friend again. She judged me. She trivilialized my feelings. She tried to analyze and fix me even after I demanded her to stop. And she had the nerve to defend all of it without a single apology. No way.
But I am now horribly lonely.
I have thought about going online to find some friends, but realize how fucked up that would be. I get in sooooo much trouble when I meet people online.
Despite the echoes of S.'s accusations, I've thought of throwing myself into picking up guys/girls for me and my husband. Part of me thinks it could help. The rest of me knows it won't, and it's probably asking for more trouble.
Still another part of me is horribly sad that I think this will be our last excursion into multiple bed partners. I had an inkling about this even while I was still with DW, because Husband would bring up finding other people closer to us, and it bothered me on multiple levels.
But now that I can think about it more seriously, I'm pretty sure it can never happen again. Because with DW & DH, I felt this intrinsic trust in them. A trust that I wouldn't be lied to on a most basic level: I was never in any physical danger when I was with them. #1: they weren't ax-murderers. #2: they weren't disease-carriers.
Thinking about it the other day, I realized I love to suck cock way too much to enjoy being with another man that I can't trust on that level. Because condoms are nasty tasting, no matter the brand. And aside from oral sex, should I make the man (and myself) wash our hands once the condom is on? Because juices are flowing all over before the condom gets on, guaranteeing germs on your hands. And other places. And so I convince the guy being a neat-freak is ok and he washes for me. What about the bits not covered by the condom? Those bits get smooshed into all sorts of yummie places when things are going well. Should we disinfect those bits too? And herpes is carried in more than just seminal fluid, right? It's carried by sores. And I imagine there can be sores you might not see, even if you did a full-body inspection.
Yes, I'm an over-the-top germ freak at times. But the idea of opening up my body to all sorts of diseases like that? I think it's pretty reasonable to say no fucking way. No.
The only people coming to my bed are people I trust. People I trust not to give me diseases. And I'll be damned if I ever let myself another person enough to let them near my bed.
So what a *sucky* first encounter with group sex. It was fucking awesome. So fucking awesome and so fucking heartbreaking, it has completely ruined me to try it again.
Which really fucking sucks, because just yesterday we were fucking and I was wishing I had a big fucking cock in my mouth while my husband was fucking me. Damn.
