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#356 - pro-ana is hell
06.19.04 @ 1:29 am

A few years ago I was a regular ready of the diary of a girl who was a recovering anorexic. Her diary was the first mention I heard of the "pro-anorexia" movement.

I've just had the occassion to visit a pro-ana website, and it's truly horrifying. I don't understand how these girls and women could think that if they don't know how to fix themselves, then they should just try to be better at their eating disorder. Somehow walk the line between starving themselves and staying alive.

I have a mental illness myself, and not once have I ever considered burying myself in it and making myself more perfectly depressed. How did they ever get to that place? Can they ever come back? Who will help them? How?

I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I have been afraid of losing what audience I had if I revealed certain truths about myself. Who would want to visit the sex-diary of a fat girl? It's a bit late, as this diary has long ceased to contain much smut. But here goes nothing.

I AM FAT. And for the most part, I'm ok with that. I hate being unfit. I want to do something about that, but emotional circular arguments keep me from getting anywhere. But I don't hate myself. I don't hate my body.

I'm not horrifically obese. But I'm not thin and I'm not "average". I weigh 200 pounds, wear a size 16 or 18. I think I look good dressed up. I think my hair is my nicest feature, with my eyes a close second.

My husband thinks my breasts are my best feature. He also seems to like my ass and my cunt. He thinks I'm sexy and smart and funny and, yah, generally annoying as hell when I'm feeling it.

I've had plenty of sex in my life, and I plan on having lots more. And I don't need to lose 80-100 pounds to ensure that. Or enjoy life in any other way.

Accept who you are. You might actually start to like yourself. I did.

ps: great bit of raunchy "afternoon-delight" before work today. Yummie!

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