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#354 - hole in my heart
05.24.04 @ 6:01 pm

There is a hole in my heart shaped like Heather. There are many holes like this, and my husband usually fills or spackles over them quite well. But sometimes, I can feel it in my grasp to fill them properly. So it's especially bitter when I'm this close to fitting in the puzzle piece and someone snatches it away.

At least no one destroyed the puzzle piece. She's still sitting in Oregon, a million miles away. It's not her fault. It's probably good news. Fuck. It is good news. Just not for me. I was going to have one of my holes filled for a week. 3 or 4 days actually.

And now the hole is still empty. And kind of throbbing. Like it knew what was about to happen, and it misses what it once had and almost had again.

June. Start the mantra. June 26. You see her June 26, however briefly. And she will be the most beautiful you will ever see her. Try not to let it sting.

~ * ~

It's a few hours later, and I feel better. Forcing myself to answer her email and wish her good luck on her new job helped. I may not get much alone time with her on the wedding weekend, but at least we'll see each other. She feels bad, and this is a great move for her, so I don't blame her. It's just hard not to be sad or feel rejected, even when I know it's not really a rejection.

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