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#339 - accepting lesbianism
07.22.03 @ 12:17 am

ACCEPTING MY LESBIANISM, by Strawburygrl

Something about watching Eliza Dushku make-out with a woman in Soul Survivors, plus my neice's ickiness with lesbians has got me thinking about my own struggle with accepting gayness, especially my own.

My earliest angst was sometime in early elementary school. Most mornings I arrived very early, and as I was walking to class, would usually find myself walking behind the same teacher. Mrs. Boulder. Or Bowlinger. Or Bowling. Or something that sounded like Bowling. She had this huge ass. And everyday I would watch it, swaying from side to side. I didn't know what to make of my inability to keep from watching it.

I only had two pseudo-sexual encounters with girls in my childhood, one amazingly embarrassing to admit, and one blissfully innocent.

The first was sometime around 4th grade, quite possibly earlier. Staying over at a girl's house. We were laying on the floor between the bed and the wall, to keep anyone who might pop into the room to check on us from seeing us. She had these poster containers, long cylinders of hard cardboard. Like pipes, about as big around as your arm. We straddled one a piece and giggled as me made moves like we were having sex. One of us mentioned wishing for a robot that would have sex with us, and the other agreed that would be a cool idea. I don't know why this is embarrassing for me to relay, but it is.

The 2nd, innocent time I have mentioned here probably numerous times. Holding hands with Heather and liking it. So much so that thinking about it 10 years later convinced me I had been secretly in love with her at the time.

After that, I don't remember feeling sexual about/with women at all for many years. Gay men drove me wild though. For years I've thought I was a pariah among women, the only one I ever knew who got hot over the mere idea of two men together, let alone seeing imagery or reading about it. Recently, I read something somewhere that made me realize I wasn't alone. If only I could remember where...

It was my Freshman year at Evergreen that really kicked things off. I realized I was crushing on lesbians simply because I knew they were lesbians. I'd never met a lesbian until then. I felt an electrical charge every time a "known lesbian" walked into the room. I read a number of books with lesbianism, especially Audre Lorde. She was fucking brilliant.

But this didn't change the fact that I thought girl on girl action was yucky. Quite frankly, I found the idea of cunnilingus revolting. If a girl was performing it on me, but especially if I were to perform it on a girl. This probably had more to do with my own icky feelings about my vagina than anything else, come to think of it. I still hate to kiss my husband after he's given me a tongue-lashing, because I can't stand the smell or the taste.

Anyway, the summer after my freshman year I just could not stop thinking about it. One day I just said "fuck it: you like women, deal with it." I told my husband, and he didn't believe me. I still find that fact hilarious. After a few moments to get accustomed to the idea, and of checking out girls together, he came to accept it and even kind of like it.

Me, I was still baffled by it for quite some time. I spent alot of my Sophomore year coming to terms with my attraction, and the inner fight over the idea of actual sex and how yucky I thought it was.

I found other things to concentrate on. I went dancing a few times and realized I was definitely a "leg man" rather than a "breast man". Actually, it's pretty much the rear-view. The thighs and ass. Yum. And don't get me started with the belly. The new trend to expose your womanly midriff drives me nuts, mostly because it's practiced most religiously by jail-bait. My husband and I both lament how damned overtly sexual teenage girls are these days. Dirty old-man syndrome abounds in numbers I can only staggeringly imagine.

I sometimes feel intimidated with the idea of performing cunnilingus on a woman. But I think I might like the chance to try it out. See if I can use what I know from my own preferences to please someone else. And my husband performs so adoringly, I can't imagine it could be that horrible. As for having it performed, I often imagine a woman is doing just that when it's my husband. I have no idea why.

I'll probably never get the chance to experience cunnilingus with a woman, as either a giver or a receiver. And that's ok. Because I'm in love with my husband and our sex life is pretty great. To me at least. Apparently, I'm slacking in my availability to him lately. I need to work on expressing my sexual willingness more often.

But back to topic, and I guess in conclusion: I sure do like girls. I like looking at them. I like fantasizing about them. Especially Eliza Dushku. Just this weekend I was imagining how lovely it would be if she could grow a dick to fuck me. I think that might just be heaven. A whole new kind of sexuality popped into my head at that moment, and it kinda creeped me out. Because transsexuals and hermaphradites are still taboo in our society, even more so than being gay. They work hard to be included in the gay community, and are often seen as pariahs and outsiders there too. So frustrating. Especially when I see bias in myself, where I didn't think there was any.

Anyway, now I'm rambling and going off topic, so I'll end this here.

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