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#336 - Bizarro Midwestern Universe
07.07.03 @ 10:10 pm

During each of the car rides for this trip, I was watching the scenery swish by, thinking of all the odd differences between the places I am familar with (the Pacific Northwest and Hawaii) and the Midwest. It's really like Superman's Bizarro world. Or Star Trek's alternate universe.

In Seattle, vegetarians and vegans are so common, you have to plan for them at every party. Here, wildlife can be dinner. We were threatened with deer, but instead were served steaks from the cow that Uncle bought off some 4H kid. It tasted "gamey".

In Seattle, it's almost more likely for someone to be pierced and/or inked rather than not. A "face full of metal" or seeing someone with all-body tattoes isn't a big deal around here. At dinner in IL, my sister-in-law mentioned how frustrated her patients in Seattle (she's a nurse) get when she tells them they have to take out their tongue piercings before surgery. This was possibly sparked by an article in the local paper about a new trend in getting a forked-tongue. Some unknown, as-yet unnamed, elder cousin took this as an opening to attack "goths". There was one in particular that she wanted to "smack her head". I couldn't figure out if this desire for violence was brought on by the girl's appearance (all-black, covered in tattooes, and the afore-mentioned "face full of metal") or the silly thing's behaviors (an insistance on sucking a pacifier that hung at her neck coupled with offering to pierce another girl's tongue). All tidbits were mentioned with equal disgust.

Towns big enough for a WalMart are the lucky ones - the towns we've driven through have left me feeling suspicious that their population signs have been forged. They all hover just under or over 1000, and yet the only reason they're called a town at all is because there are some houses around a gas station and/or general store.

Each town has a water tower, which all have a single, narrow stem with a large, bulbous head (umm, hmm...), the town's name painted on. The ones around here have 4 or 5 legs to hold up large, round tanks similar in shape to above-ground backyard swimming pools.

I've seen 3 different dogs in MIL's hometown that seem to be forced to live in cages, never let out, never brought in doors.

It doesn't seem to be illegal to ride a motorcycle without a helmet in Illinois.

Country music is everywhere.

Cornfields are everywhere.

Fireflies put on fireworks displays nightly, but nobody notices.

The birds here make the creepiest noises.

Every country road in Wisconsin seems to actually be a highway, and for some reason they are named with letters instead of numbers.

An oasis is a McDonald's or Wendy's built over a highway, gas station optional.

Tim Curry is secretly doing weather for a Madison, WI nightly news show.

People of any color other than white are so rare that they look out of place. Very out of place.

They like to reuse city names here: Bloomington, Lexington, Kansas City...

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