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#323 - missing him
05.29.03 @ 11:14 pm

I have tried to put thoughts like this behind me for good reason. Thoughts that I don't deserve him. Because if I think about it, I can easily convince myself I don't.

But he is in Grand Rapids, MI for the 2nd night in a row, and I'm lonely. I haven't stopped thinking about him since I woke up yesterday morning and he was gone. Last night was the worst. I occupied myself with a movie, but the entire time, all I could think about was how much I missed him. How much I wanted to just hear his voice, or snuggle against him, or kiss his head.

After watching a very erotic film and then reading a very angsty blog, I got to remembering. Remembering how much I adore him, and how much I owe to fate or whatever. Because I don't deserve him. He should have left me long ago. He had so many reasons.

Thoughts like this caused me to come to tears quite easily back in 1999 when we got back from Hawaii, and then again after the whole thing with R. resolved itself and I realized that our marriage was still standing. I was the luckiest person alive. And the happiest. The most grateful.

Been talking in therapy lately about not being able to believe all my good fortune as of late, getting everything I want for the most part, what with the house and the happy marriage. I am convinced that the other shoe is going to drop.

When he used to go out of town, I would get amazingly fucked up emotionally. One of my worst weekends ever, one of my closest to killing myself other than the one I recently described here, was while he was away.

It's not like that now. I'm not sure why. I think because I'm healthier emotionally. Maybe because I'm finally convinced that life is perfect, so I might as well die now because nothing could ever be better than this. Who knows.

But I miss him so much. And the paranoid part of me is still scared. I don't know why I wasn't this scared of terrorists when he went back to visit his grandmother earlier this year. But this time, this time I'm doing the worrying about a million things thing. (oh, my god, and I wanted to be a writer when I grew up...)

Planes exploding. bombs going off. Car accidents. Police unable to contact me because his license doesn't have the correct address. That sort of deal.

But I'm better now at putting terror-inducing thoughts such as those aside, calming myself with thoughts that for the most part it's paranoia.

But I miss him so very much.

He got a hair cut the evening before he left. He walked upstairs to show me, and I was so shocked. He's never gotten his hair cut so short. Practically a military buzz. Somehow, it made him look older and younger at the same time. I couldn't quite figure it out. But he definitely looked better - he hadn't cut his hair in something like 6 months.

That night, I told him I wanted to have sex before he left, and he seemed surprised. I hate that it's always a surprise when I'm willing to go at it. I wish we did it more often.

The moment I hit the bed, he was ready for me. Maybe he wasn't that surprised. I couldn't help touching his head. Soft, short hair and hard scalp. It's a lovely experience. I don't know why he doesn't like me to play with his hair. Maybe with the new haircut and the new sensation of it, he didn't mind so much that I was fascinated by it.

I regret that lately I've taken the backseat in our lovelife. I rarely come onto him, and he's rarely works up the courage to ask. And when we do come together, I have so little energy to bring to our bed. The other night was like that, but he had a lot of energy, so I just went with that.

It's amazing how now that he can go longer, he likes to just take forever, changes positions. I like to listen to his noises, and feel his skin under my fingers.

I wish I had spent more time kissing his skin. That's my favorite thing to do, but I just didn't seem up to being on top.

I sucked his cock, and he liked that and I liked it.

But I didn't kiss his skin except when he got close enough when we were fucking.

I wish I could remember the taste of his skin.

I should have thought of that.

I miss him.

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