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#311 - crushing is hard, mm-kay?
11.26.02 @ 3:19 pm

OK, I want to talk about something that's been buzzing around in my head for quite sometime now, only I have figured out a way to talk about it without embarrassing the hell out of myself. I think I've figured it out, so just bare with my vagueness, please...

I want to say a word about crushes. Crushes suck. Actually, crushes are nice. Unreciprocated crushes suck. Grr on poopy-pants boys. Poo!

The deal is, I get crushes all the time. And, unfortunately, they never really go away. Poo. They get lesser or greater, as time goes by, and then inevitably, the person moves out of my life, and poof! Problem solved. But sometimes, that person doesn't leave my life. Like JP. Or sometimes they come back, like Heather. And then you just kinda have to live with it. That's alright, really.

I mean, despite adolescent cravings driving me crazy when I was young and "in love" with Duran Duran, I've been doing pretty well handling them. Except for that one guy that I used to work with, whom I started having dreams about, and then reality got all kinda gray and mixed up with fantasy. And then there is the mythical R., whom wasn't so much a crush as a guy I fell head-over-heels for without much reason.

So, actually, crushes do kinda scare me. Alot, actually. But sometimes, you find yourself yearning subconsciously. Actually, not even yearning. OK, here it is. Doing dumb-ass crap to get noticed by someone who doesn't even know you're alive.

OK, now that sucks, RIGHT??? I mean, especially when you realize you're doing it. Because sometimes it IS subconscious, and then you have to go *smack*, I can't believe I've been acting like this! He must think I'm a moron!

And then part of you thinks, well, yah, but the least he could do is throw me a pity-bone! Right? RIGHT??? I mean, would a little joke between friends really hurt you so much? To you it's a joke, to me it's a sign that you noticed and at least on some level kinda like me.

And, oh god, I think I'm getting into the embarrassing arena. I would just like to add, that despite my fears, I think I do handle my crushes rather well. Just recently, I realized I was kinda crushing on this guy, and all he did was add a dumb winkie-smile, ;) at the end of a lame-ass joke, and I was happy. Because the guy I kinda admired kinda admired me back. At least enough to winkie-smile at me.

Now really, is that so much to ask? For a little smile from time to time? Sheesh! I'm not gonna stalk you or kill your dog or nothing!

I am so pathetic.

I promise to be more high-brow very soon. If only I can find the time to write an entry from home, where I am collecting pieces of art (er, pictures of pieces of art) that I want to talk about. Oh, god. Did I just lose the rest of my fanbase?

Um, I'm talking about cock next time, ok? OK???? Please love me!!!!

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