<< - >>

#310 - The Story of School & Daycare, Part 2
11.23.02 @ 2:04 am

[holy crap! I didn't know there was a character limit to entries! I've never had to divide up an entry before!!!]

I was very lost at this point. I didn't know what I was going to do. I told my husband I'd felt like a piece of furniture, completely disrespected. I wanted him to call the center and yell at the director so she'd fire me. I wanted so badly to be fired so I wouldn't have to ever talk to that woman again in my life. Sweetie told me to wait and see. I was going to see my shrink that night, so I went there to get a plan.

We hashed it out together, her and I. I don't remember now exactly how it went, but she agreed that them knowing my wishes and then moving me like that, especially so coldly, was uncalled for. But she asked me to wait it out. To see if I couldn't try to get used to this new class. It was hard for me to explain, but I had developed a horrid phobia of the place now. I felt sure that if I saw the place again, I'd have a horrible panic attack and be fired for being unfit and that would follow me around & then how would I get another job?

So I decided to take her suggestion and take the next day off. I *was* quite sick afterall. So I called up the director and asked for the next day off. She suggested I take off Friday too. Hallelujah. A whole 4 days to ponder how best to quit!

But instead, I went back on Monday and did the job. And then on Tuesday. And the day after that. And somehow... I started to get used to it. It was harder. It was less rewarding. I missed my other class. I didn't know how I was going to survive this schedule. But for some reason, I just did it.

I kept going to classes at night and loving it. The teachers are phenomenal. The assignments very rewarding and so amazingly relevant, I wonder constantly why all college programs aren't like this. The people are so great too. We're a little community, sharing stories and opinions and encouraging each other. I actually have my own little clique, since the 4 of us always sit together. Of course, being who I am, I'm convinced they sit with me out of pity. Yep, still fucked in the head, me.

And the thing is, school has shown me that I'm dedicated. I really want to try and make THIS my career instead of moving on to getting into a teacher certification program for k-12! Holy Cow!

But just when I thought it was all going to work out. When I thought I'd made some decisions: I was going to stick this out until the end of the quarter, then quit and find a volunteer job for next quarter. It happened on Halloween. I was leaving for the day, my inner monologue remarking on how wonderful a day it had been, my best yet at the center, and maybe this wasn't so terrible. I had dressed up as a kittie girl and the kids loved it. Got lots of pix of the kids & some with me & the kids. I was so happy. Halloween really is my favorite Holiday when I get to celebrate it.

But. We had a semi-emergency that day. The director came into our classroom and said she was telling all the teachers that we were under lock-down. Because a mother had gotten a restraining order against her ex-husband and didn't want her child removed from the center by him. But when I was leaving for the day, the doors were unlocked. I couldn't figure out how the hell to lock them. I went to find the Asst. Dir or ECD. Only ECD was there, and she was in the middle of a kind of akward conversation with another teacher. Kind of an angry conversation.

But this was important, it was about child safety, so I wasn't going to leave until they knew the doors were unlocked. And that damn woman never paused or even looked at me so I could get a word in. Was I supposed to scream or something? The phone rang right as their conversation was ending, and she took it instead of letting someone else get it or putting them on hold to find out what I was waiting for. Mind you, I was pretty upset at this point. I'd watched her continue this marathon conversation for over 5 minutes, only to take this call before even pausing to ask me what I needed from her.

I got more & more furious as the phone call wore on and she still wouldn't pause or look at me. I was imagining that man walking through the doors to go get his child. I was imagining me as the only one who knew it was possible, and keeping one eye on the door, one eye on the ECD, and both ears on her conversation.

Finally, she got off the phone, and I said, "There's a problem with the doors."

"What problem?"

"They're not locked."

"Oh, that's ok, I decided to unlock them?"

"When?"

"This morning."

"Have you told the other teachers?"

"No, I've been too busy."

Furious. Oh, so furious. Try not to rip her evil head from her hydra body. That could prove dangerous, right?

"OK, well I just stood here for 15 minutes guarding the door trying to keep that man from coming to steal his kid because you didn't tell anyone the emergency was over. I'm going to add 15 minutes to my time sheet." I turned to go.

But she called me back. Oh, the evil! "I sense some hostility here."

Yah, bitch, ya think? No, don't say that. In fact, don't say anything, because she's steamrolling right over you...

She's defending herself. She's shifting blame to me. She told me I could have shoved a sticky note in her face at any time. Um, yah. My bad. Sorry I didn't think of that. I must be the evil one.

I tried to remain calm and explain why I was upset, that I could have tried something else, but so could she. She was still steam rolling.

Finally, I was so pissed, I said just her name to get her to shut up. When she kept going, I said it again, louder. I couldn't believe my audacity. When she shut up, I told her this wasn't the only time. My mind racing, I tried to compose the conversation I needed to have with her that I hadn't figured out how to say, and had been putting off until I quit in December.

How evil she'd been that day when she left me outside with people I didn't know, no instructions or timeline, no coat or water bottle. How 2 weeks later she got all pissy at me for being sick again when she "needed" me because a co-worker had vacation for that week. She said she had been depending on me, but never bothered to mention it until I was ruining her plans that involved me that she couldn't bother to tell me about!!!!! I thought my OTHER job had problems with communicating between employees. This shit was getting out of hand, as I stood here with yet a 3rd communication FUBAR caused by her.

And you know what happened?

I cried. I was so angry. And then I thought of being so lost without a coat or water for my sore throat with 15-20 screaming kids left all to me and how EVIL she was. And I cried.

I said I was sorry, but I had to go. And I pretty much ran out of her office. Tried very hard not to run to my car. Not being able to see through the tears made that kinda dangerous. I drove off, but then pulled over somewhere to cry somewhere. And call my husband. And when my damn cell phone cut out mid-conversation with full battery power AGAIN, I smacked it against the dash. Again and again. Then I threw it as hard as I could into the floorboard.

Very satisfyingly, some little piece flew off of it, and the face plate was very cracked. I howled and whined and sobbed. I regained control. I went home. Husband gave me a worried hug. But he had important work things to do. I laid in bed for 20 pulling myself together, then drove to my next job.

I was miserable, but by the end of the day, I was alot calmer.

And the next morning, the first person I saw when I arrived at the daycare was ECD. She was with a mother. But she looked at me and said she needed to talk with me, and if I could find the time, would I come see her today? I was a little late and trying to get to class and walking and talking, so I called back "How about 1?" Because that's when I got off. She didn't hear me or chose not to answer, so I figured that was fine.

At 1, she wasn't there. *sigh* On Monday, I couldn't find her until sometime during the day when she said she'd hoped that I would have broken away from the class at some point and come to her, because she was going to be busy all this week. Brilliant. Once again, she had expectations of me that she didn't convey to me! I said I hadn't thought of that, would she like me to do that today? No, we'd try to meet Wednesday.

However, Tuesday at one the Asst. to the ECD sat me down and said that Afrose had wanted to talk to me, and they're "numbers" couldn't afford me anymore. I could finish out the week being paid, but after that it was up to me if I wanted to continue volunteering or come not at all.

I was a little shocked. I've never been fired before. It's not a pleasant experience, even when you were planning to quit. I realized this was a good thing, so I was quickly ok with it, and making plans on having less hours right away. Then she asked me to be on their "sub" list, so they could call me if anyone called in sick. I agreed.

Then the Asst. said that the ECD was in the office if I wanted to talk to her now. I went in search of her. Found her and she said no, we'll meet on Friday, but had the Asst talked to me? Yep, yep she had.

It's true, the numbers in the 2 classrooms I was working hadn't gone up like they'd expected. But both teachers were being run ragged when I wasn't there.

And ECD had said she "needed to talk to me" the very morning after we exploded at each other.

Yah fucking right I was let go for "numbers".

That Friday, we met. She actually let me talk and say everything that was on my chest. Then she went on and tried to smooth over it all like it wasn't really her fault. Whatever. She was convinced that I was upset with that day she had moved me to another class merely because I hadn't had any warning. She said that I'd see the same thing at other centers & implied I was being childish. I let her believe what she wanted. She'd completely missed the points I'd made about lack of communication in the office, most notably COMPLETELY IGNORING my decision to be an unpaid volunteer rather than switch rooms if it came to that. But I let it all go. I never wanted this woman to be my boss again, so I wasn't going to press the point any longer.

Then I told her about the girl I'd been working with in the new class. About the problems I'd observed with her. She said she was glad I'd brought her this info, because they'd had a psychologist in to visit the girl, and were in the process of having the psych. & the mother work something out. And now they were considering trying to qualify her as a "special needs" child, for which DSHS would pay to get a special assistant in the room just for that girl. And this is where it got weird. ECD said that if DSHS let them pick that special assistant, they would want it to be me.

That was fucking bizarre.

I have no idea how likely that is, or what timeline they have for making any of the decisions, so I'm not holding my breath. But it's very nerve wracking. I have no idea if I would take the job or not. I can't decide. I hate ECD with the burning fury of a million, billion white hot suns. But I've grown to love this little girl so fiercely. She reminds me of me in many ways. Kind of like she's going through some of the same things I did, only she's dealing with it by outbursts when I dealt with it by withdrawing and being quiet.

So, is that the end of the tale? No. *sigh*

School has been going well. One major project down, another came up. And then WHAM! Guess what, there's this OTHER project we didn't tell you about until now, and it's due at the same time as the 2nd. And, um, the projects are amazingly similar, but you have to pick different kids and different approaches for dealing with each child and their problem(s).

Holy Fuck Batman!!!

Suddenly, LOTS of stress. I'd just been fired, and now I had to go back into that classroom and find a 2nd kid to interract with, get pictures of, take notes on, etc.

So I tried. But then a call came in for me to be a sub. And OMG subbing is fucking EVIL. I subbed in the 1 - 2 year old room. That room kind of hurt my back. Seats uncomfortable. Babies VERY short. Hard day. And then a few days later, I was a sub for the infant room. VERY hard day. And then this week. OK, one whole week, then I'd be done. One week of interracting, taking notes, getting pics. But... I didn't feel like it Tuesday, so I didn't go in. That's ok. Still 3 more days, right?

Midday Tuesday I got the call. The woman teaching the class I had to get my observations in had to be at an appointment the next day. AND Thursday. So would I sub. I HAD to be there, so I couldn't say no, right? So I said yes. I actually took my camera, that's how deluded I was. I was lucky to maintain my sanity that day, let alone take pictures!!! Because unlike the other 2 classes I'd subbed in, I was the lead in this class, and I was ALONE with them! But at least I had a helper for diapering. Thank fucking god.

And then Thursday. Oh, the horror of Thursday. No help diapering in the morning. I wondered what I was supposed to do. I stood for over 10 minutes waiting for someone to answer my call for help, with one of the kids standing in his peed pants demanding a cup of water from me (don't you think you've had enough liquids???!). Finally, the answer came. I was supposed to round them all up, have them each grab a book, and march everyone to the bathroom to change one diaper. Oh, the joy!

The REAL joy was, not 2 minutes after we got back from this expedition that took about 15 minutes, ANOTHER child had to go potty. MUST. NOT. MURDER. CHILDREN.

The kids did NOT want to go. They actually refused. All of them. I somehow cajoled 1 to go. Then put in the demands with another who I finally had to carry to line up. by then, the others were moving. It took over 5 minutes just to get them all to line up!

OK, so we got back, and the room was a wreck, because twice we'd left it without cleaning first. Oh well. We ate our snack. We had circle. Thiings were going groovy. But during circle, an accident happened. After snack, we went on our THIRD expedition.

And about a 1/2 hour after that, we were about to go on our FOURTH trip to the potty, the room a COMPLETE MESS, when the girl arrived to give me my break. Choices in front of me, I told her I wouldn't take my break. Nope, I would let the kids have my break: so they could stay here and get some actually play time out of this morning, while I took just the 2 kids who needed to go potty.

And it was a blessing to get back and see that she'd gotten them to clean the room, because it was time to go outside! She didn't look very happy with me, like I'd taken to long or something, but oh well. Everything was going horribly that day, I wasn't about to worry about her!

So we went outside. And THEN my diapering helper came. But before I could say anything, she just said, "Are you sure you need help? With only 6 kids?"

I wanted to hit her. We'd spent most of the morning in the BATHROOM instead of in the classroom, and now during their precious outdoor time, she wanted me to somehow coax them all back to the bathroom AGAIN, mere seconds after they'd hit the climber? Was she fucking HIGH????????

I ignored her. I looked at my kids and realized only 2 of them needed changing, so would she stay with the others while I took those kids to the bathroom? She agreed.

And yet, when I came back, she wouldn't leave me with them! That fucking bitch! And then, as she WAS getting ready to leave, and I was trying to discipline one of them for hitting by having her sit on the chair for a 2-minute time out, this woman had the audacity to try and ask the girl why she was crying WHILE I was in the middle of discussing the problem with the child. If that woman had said one more word to undermine what I was doing, I swear to god I would have quit and walked right out of the center that very second.

I suppose it didn't help that she was ECD's daughter. *sigh*

After outside time, it was lunch, which was blissfully mellow. And after that was nap, which was as difficult as usual, but not very, because the hard one actually asked for me to rub her back instead of spending the entire screaming, whining, talkings, moving, playing, etc. The kids were ALL asleep by 12:15, a fucking miracle.

Fucking fuckity fuck! It really is a shame that you can't say fuck when your around kids. Because sometimes a good FUCKING SHOUT could really help.

But my difficult girl says bad words enough for the entire center. She's got a horrible potty mouth, all the worse because she doesn't even know what she's saying.

So, that's it. I didn't go there today. I am going to hope I have enough pix & observations to finish both my projects. But also, for some bizarre reason, probably just stress, I couldn't sleep Wednesday night. I got between 3-4 hours of sleep between tosses & turns, so I called in sick to my 2nd job, went to the daycare, had the bad day, then came home and went to bed. So I didn't go to the center today and instead went to my 2nd job and worked extra long hours.

So that's it. The first time I've ever been fired. I am so bitter. But so enriched by most of these experiences. School has really been amazing. And working with the kids has too. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should go to kindergarten, just because there are rules instead of kids running around all day trying to ignore all the rules. But there so much more open to things at this age. Because they don't have all those rules yet.

So I'm going to try it out. Part of me wants to just not do anymore work with kids until next quarter. Take a break. Then next quarter go to a completely different center, where hopefully I'll like the director and the policies better.

Because talking to the teacher of this class of 3 year olds and the stupid diapering policies and they�re making bad decisions based on expenses rather than the reality of their needs, I know I�m not the only one who doesn�t like the management. I�m not crazy. There is bad stuff going on there, and it�s not just me! However, none of it�s legal, so there�s no recourse. But I guess that at least is a good thing.

Anyway, the other part of me, the part of me that misses those 4-5 year olds I started with, wants to stick to my promise to their teacher. I told her when I was done with these observations, I would come back down to her class to volunteer a few days a week. And I really want to. But another part doesn�t want to step foot in that place again.

We�ll see how I feel about it Monday.

last - next