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#290 - post-weekend update
07/30/02 @ 3:56 pm

Last night's dream was sad at first. Quite sad. I met some new people, in kind of a new dorm experience. They were really nice, and we all became fast friends. We were all in a play together. And on closing night, we all had a party, and afterwards 2 of my friends went off together. They had only just admitted to themselves that they were gay, and they were in love with each other. It was very sweet. Everyone knew, even though it was supposed to be a secret. Then, when it got scarey, it was like I was watching a movie. Following this guy pulling up in his truck at their house. I kept pleading, no, no, but of course it doesn't do anything to talk to the screen. He walked up to their window. It was quite dark at night. But he could see them, kissing in the bedroom. And he shot them both.

And the horror is that one of them lived, and felt this horrible survivor's guilt. He later called it the best and worst day of his life. Because he found and lost his true love in one day. It was so sad.

Later, me and him and a friend of ours who was a girl went off touring town together. It was modeled after the downtown I knew in my childhood, in Hawaii. Again. Bah.

At the end of the dream, I thought him & our girlfriend would hook up, and for once the dream wouldn't be about me. Dreams always revolve around me. So it was interesting to sit back and play a supporting role for once. But at the last minute, me and this guy hooked up. Lust in a dream. Who would have ever thought that from me? Bah.

Husband says I talk in my sleep alot lately. I know I cry out alot, because I wake myself up sometimes. Last night I did, only I can't remember when. When you wake up from a dream like that, you often forget what you were dreaming, I think because coming suddenly awake and wondering what's going on is such a shock.

Should talk about husband, but I don't really want to. This weekend was very emotional and frustrating. Husband has been quite frustrating to live with in general lately. Apparently he is regretting his decision to stay at his job everyday. I've tried to be supportive, but not enough. I guess I was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice when he was considering everything, and since he didn't take me up on it and chose to do this bizarre thing, I've kind of given up, and put some distance between us. Because I just don't understand it. So I don't know what I can do at this point. He wants me to be more supportive, and I want to be more supportive, but part of me is like, "You chose this route against my advice and everyone else's. Now you deal with it. On your own."

So, I think it was Saturday night that bad stuff happened. We were coming back from dinner, going to peruse Barnes & Noble for a lazy hour or so. On the way, I asked if he'd read my diary lately. He had not. So I brought up that I was dreaming about babies lately. We began a discussion, which quickly escalated into shrill voices. I said I didn't want our decision on whether or not to have a baby to be based on financial concerns, and he agreed, so we were silent for the rest of the way.

When we arrived and got out of the car, I brought it up again. I can't remember exactly how it started, or exactly how it ended, but he rocked my world when he said somethng to the effect that he wanted a baby even less than he did 9 months ago, because of all the stress he's under. I pretty much flipped out. I accused him of keeping this a secret from me. That he could have chosen one of the good paths, and he chose the bad path and not only was it messing him up, but our relationship. He flipped out too, saying that didn't I realize that he knows he made a mistake and he beats himself up for it everyday.

Later, he said it hadn't been a secret. That he only just realized it when he said it. It's been frustrating lately, over the past year or so, to see the things he keeps from me. Of course I thought it was a secret. Blah.

We agreed he's under too much stress right now to talk about babies. We only have to wait to the end of the year.

But I brought up something. That I didn't care about this stupid preschool thing or volunteering or becoming a teacher. All I've ever wanted was to find the man I loved, and live my life with him. And now that I want a baby, to have a nice house where the 3 of us could live happily ever after. These new job ideas are just because I can't stand to work where I do anymore. And to find something to do to occupy my time until I can have a baby.

I asked him if it was possible for him to be happy if me and his home/family life was the thing that gave him the greatest joy in life, and not his job. He said he didn't know. I understand that. He's always had such high dreams, such high aspirations. But we've been floundering for so long, just treading water, waiting for things to pan out, I wonder if any of that's possible anymore. He seems afraid. He thinks he's screwed himself working for this company for so long. He hasn't been learning new technologies the way he should have been. So this leads me to question if he should just focus on us and home from now on.

I don't think he's ready to. Which is fine. It just bothers me that he didn't forsee this causing so many problems between us when he decided to take this route. He's always at least kept our future in mind when planning his career moves.

Of course, this all came about because Saturday we drove around for a few hours looking at houses. And they're all so expensive. We found a great house that's at the absolute end of our range, so husband got all excited, budgeting to prove we could afford it. In the end, we realized we may be able to afford it, but we couldn't buy it for at least a few months. Because we're nowhere near the size of a downpayment that a bank would expect of us. Plus, closing costs are just over half of the downpayment they would expect. So we would have to raise somewhere around 3 times as much as we have saved just to apply for a fucking loan. This really got him down. It was a very nice house. So big, and close by, compared to the other houses in that price range.

It made him even more stressed out, even though we had stopped talking about babies and jobs. He said we should talk about this again in 2 months.

I'm fine with that. I can wait. I just want to somehow murder his partner even more now. Can't take it out on my husband, so I feel this growing need to take it out on the other guy. Argh.

Meanwhile, tomorrow is his birthday. We're going to finally use a gift certificate we got about a year ago to the fanciest restaurant in town. I've never been in a restaurant that recommends you wear a jacket if you're a guy. I'm hoping that despite that, it's like the Space Needle. Really fancy, but you're not out of place without a jacket. Coz hubby's lost so much weight that his suit doesn't fit anymore. You should see the menu for this place though. Yikes! In fact, you can:

http://www.canlis.com

I know, some of you guys in other cities are rolling your eyes. The fanciest restaurant in town only recommends jackets for men. I'm sure places that require them are a dime a dozen in LA, Chicago, and New York. But I live in Seattle, for chrissakes. People where burkenstocks and jeans EVERYWHERE here. Including fancy restaurants. So this is pretty damn classy for us. I just realized. Hehe. The recording on their info line said no jeans or sneakers or t-shirts. But it didn't say ANYTHING about burkenstocks. Ha! Could you imagine?!! hehe...

~ * ~

I am considering again changing my layout. I was going to do this ages ago, but then I stopped updating regularly. Now I'm thinking about it again. I love this layout, as I loved the Betty Page, but I'd like something different. I really like the one-woman on the side thing though. I think because she's supposed to represent me. Here are some examples of what I'm thinking about:

http://www.etched.org/infectious

http://www.sintensity.com/annabegins/night.html

I want to keep it really simple though. The sintensity one doesn't work very well on my mac - there are about 3 scroll bars I have to use to read some of her pages. I hate stupid pages that create scrolls-bars within scroll-bars, but THREE??? ACK!!!!

I might do something anime, but I don't think so. Most of the anime I like is too cute. I want something at least a little dark, a little sexy. And I'd prefer something that no one else uses or idolizes. Just some random image. I mean, I'd love to use something Emily Strange, but that's just too popular. Will have to really think on this. Which means I'll probably never get around to it. Bah!

Speaking of Anime though, I just realized why I started being interested in anime, then ignored it for 10 years. One word: Akira. That movie is so important to anime, and it's quite intriguing. But it's fucking grotesque!!! Bleck. It was on last night. Husband does not like the scene with the giant toys attacking Tetsuo. I don't really mind it, which is odd, because I normally find toys coming to life creepy. Maybe because there wasn't a clown, I was ok. ::shiver:: Living clown dolls and ventriliquist dolls. ::shiver::

Me, I have a problem with Tetsuo becoming a giant mass of icky, pulsing flesh. Barf.

~ * ~

Boss Lady is taking all of August off. Boss Man is taking the first week of August off. I have nothing to do as it is, so I spend even more time on the net lately. Hence my frequent updates over the past 2 weeks. With them gone, I think I'm going to have to run some illegal mail-order business from my desk or something to keep me occupied. Bah. What do you think? Porn? Drugs? Maybe I will have to set up a poll. It doesn't *have* to be illegal. Post in my guestbook if you have any suggestions!!! : )

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I just remembered something. When I was in the 4th grade or so, my Mom's best friend lived in Bremerton. We must have spent the entire summer going over there to her house. That summer, I spent some time with a girl down the street. We would go to this church and play in their playground until we got yelled at. We were also about a block away from a community college, so we would sometimes ride our bikes over there. I remember a couple of times riding our bikes through this tree-filled courtyard, and all these classrooms had window facing it. Big windows as tall as the room. So we could watch all these people in their classes. And make fun of them. We rode our bikes back & forth making faces at them or something, giggling to ourselves. We thought we were quite funny, and would get in lots of trouble. So we would ride off right before classes ended, and come back in the middle of the next class, so we wouldn't get caught by a teacher.

That summer, I wrote my first poem, about a fish. It went something like this:

"I have a fish,

his name is Squish.

He lives in a Dish.

My fish, Squish,

likes to fish in his dish

for other fish."

Um, yah. Kids think that rhyming is very important to poems.

So why am I boring you to tears? I am trying to do some data entry. And I seem to be too fast for my own good. I used to love data entry. I thought it was fun (don't ask, I don't know why). I still do. But I make myself dizzy sometimes, going so fast. I'm not sure if it's a problem with my eyes or what. But it's kinda frustrating. It doesn't help that I'm hungry. Argh.

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