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#289 - wherein i am plagued
07/26/02 @ 2:50 pm

I had frustrating dreams last night, probably because my evening was frustrating. Last night was tutoring night. This girl is so hard to work with. Sometimes she's ok, especially for silent reading. But the farther into the evening we get, the more one-on-one our activities get, and she just balks. Last night, she absolutely refused to work on her alphabetizing. Only 15 minutes left to go, and no matter what I said, she refused. I finally said fine, you can alphabetize or read your book. She refused to read her book. Then she just got up and started walking around. Argh!

So I went up to her and said that I couldn't let her disturb the other kids who were all working while she wasn't. I told her she now had 3 choices: work, read, or go home. She just stood there. I said fine, I was moving her name on the warning board to First Warning. 2 warnings and she lost all the money she earned for being there that day. When I came back, she was just standing there. I finally told her that if she didn't make a decision soon, I was going to have to ask her to leave.

I turned around to go sit down, and I heard the door slam behind me. She had left. I couldn't believe it. I tried so hard to get her active. I practically have to bribe her to participate, which makes me feel bad enough. Last week, I had to threaten to move her name. This week, I actually had to do it. It's just so amazingly RUDE! I can't believe she just walked out after that! ARGH!!!!!!!!!

So last night was frustrating dreams. Husband being frustrating. Trying to hook up with him somewhere for a ride. Being on some military base and my ID was off base in the car, so I couldn't leave. Getting a ride from a woman to her house, and discovering she is FILTHY rich. Palatial estates rich. Rich and famous people were fawning all over her as we walked up the main steps to the house.

It was around this point that I started carrying around a baby. I had to change her diaper, but she ran off, and there weren't any fresh diapers. I remember being amazed that she spoke in full sentences, and she was only about 2 months old. I didn't seem to notice that the walking was odd. Noone else thought it was unusual that our 2 month old daughter looked and acted like a 2 year old.

Then I went back to school, which was a trip. I was supposed to be going back to college, but I was at my old high school. All my dreams about high school are about forgetting something. Either I forgot to register, or I forgot I was in a class and now it was end of the quarter and I had to take the final. This time, I had forgotten to register.

Oh, and I forgot my baby at home. Eek! I shrugged. She could go without feeding for a few hours. But I was worried about how the next day would go. How was I supposed to take her with me to chemistry class? It's one thing to sit there and get lectured while you're holding a baby, quite another to hold a baby and conduct experiments. Then the baby appeared, and everyone got all squishy. The place was suddenly packed, and everyone was crowding in on everyone else, and I was afraid my baby would get squished.

It was such a strange dream. Like the baby was something to protect and clean and take care of, but wasn't anything to really get emotional about. There were parts that weren't like that, but for the most part it was very... unfeeling.

And yet, when I woke up this morning, I could remember what it was like to hold and carry her, and I started to yearn. yearn very much for my own baby. Every time I dream, I become more and more convinced I could do this. I'm ready. I could handle having a baby. I'm not worried anymore.

Which is nice, even if the dreams themselves kind of disturb me. Odd, that I dream about forgetting babies at home on multiple occassions, and yet afterwards I feel more capable. Maybe my subconscious is telling me that my worries are ridiculous? I mean, who could ever forget a baby? It's a little loud! hehe

How do I convince my husband? Maybe I can psychically send him these dreams... Here, wait... ::Psychically sends strong yearning feelings for babies to husband:: Did it work??? Something tells me not. bah.

~ * ~

I need to get something off my chest, or at least attempt to before Boss Lady catches me writing. This morning I woke up early and thought I had nothing to do, because I completely forgot to read this story that a friend had sent me and I had promised to read. (Mind you, I remembered just in time to get sucked into it and read it all and be very late for work!!!)

I logged onto Diaryland and found a note from someone admiring my diary, and commenting on how he thought we had things in common. It was a very nice comment. So I went over to check out his Diary to see what he could have meant about us sharing somethings in common.

His diary is about his affair. It seems to only be about his affair, except his most recent entry, quite comically about a stupid kid's toy keeping him up in the middle of the night. I read his first two entries and his last two entries.

And I am really, really upset that he thinks we have anything in common. Because the face value of that comment would be that it's the fact that we cheated. I will say right here and now, that I admit that may not be at all what he was talking about.

But it's stuck with me all day. It's got me analyzing things that I thought I was past. Got me to wondering once again, for the millionth time, if men and women truly think differently.

Because I saw no remorse in his diary. I never physically cheated on my husband, and all I feel is guilt and remorse about it. And I thought I was in love with R. In the first entries about the beginning of this man's affair, he does not mention love. He talks about compatability and sexual desire and lust, but never mentions the L word.

So I am greatly disturbed. Because I think that cheating is fundamentally wrong. It is just so hurtful to find out you've been cheated on. Better to leave and then go off with the new person. I tried this, and it didn't work out. Later, I contemplated cheating behind my husband's back. But none of that worked out, and I don't think I could have ever gone through with it. Because I was such a wreck over the whole thing. I probably would have broken mentally if I had tried. Something would have finally snapped. As it was, I almost did anyway.

So I'm quite upset to read a diary from the viewpoint of a cheater, and not to read any words of remorse. I would understand love. Longing. I would understand 300 lines of "I miss her, I miss her, I miss her..."

What I read, I do not understand.

So I have done something I try so hard not to do. I have passed judgement. I hate myself for it. Mostly for being found out. I've always tried to hold my tongue about people I meet at Diaryland. I recently wrote about someone who hurt my feelings a year ago. It took me a *year* and him closing his diary to feel comfortable talking about what happened in these pages. And this perfectly reasonable person tripped over my diary and fed me some chocolate-covered kudos, just the way I like them, and I pass judgement on him in return.

I am a shit. But I still don't understand him.

I have deleted the entry he left in my guestbook to maintain his privacy, and apologize for being so heartless that I have passed judgement over his personal life.

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