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#285 - uncertainty & rambling
07/22/02 @ 1:13 pm

[edit @ 10:47pm] ok, you can all stop yer bitchin. here's a picture of me:

aren't i just the most BORING person you've ever laid eyes on? *sigh*

you may now resume normal playback:

argh. is it typical to be so unsure of oneself, or is it just me? now that the time is approaching for things to start changing, i'm starting to get more nervous that i'm making the wrong decision. it started when i had a conversation with Boss Lady about how i'm going to be taking on a 2nd job in September, as well as schooling full-time. she talked to the day care that one of her sons is at, and gave me the name of someone to talk to there about asking for a part-time job. i felt kinda happy, because i was hoping she could get me in with one of the daycares she uses.

except, the more we talked about it, the more i realized that i wished it was the *other* daycare her older son attends. so i told myself not to worry, it's just temporary. later, i was thinking on this. temporary? was i sure? i mean, this was what i said i wanted to do for a living eventually, right? and if the idea of working at this place turns my stomach, maybe i'm making the wrong decision?

i just don't know. my volunteering hasn't been all roses. it makes me question if this is really what i want. if i really want to work with young kids. i can still see that original vision in my head, of being a kindergarten teacher, and how blissful that could be. but a helper at a preschool? eventually, maybe a lead teacher at a preschool might be just as good as teaching kindergarten. but how long will that take? what if i do the same thing with teaching that i did here: stay for 6 years at the first job i got out of school???

maybe i'm just nervous. but on that Forum i visit, most everyone is aged 11-15, so i frequent the "Advice" board alot. and it's difficult, hearing about their problems, being reminded of my own at their age. but it makes me feel like a better person for having helped out. which reminds me of my feelings when i left high school, and again when i decided to pursue psychology in college: i wanted to be a high school guidance counselor. except, by the time i graduated college, high schoolers scared the bejeezus out of me. guns, drugs, metal detectors, school shooting. eek!

but these girls on the boards, they don't talk about guns or drugs. they talk about their parents. their friends. their boyfriends. stupid movies they like to watch. has my paranoia once again taken me down the wrong path?

argh. i just don't know. i know that i've put alot of effort into going to school again. getting volunteer hours under my belt. applications. working up my courage to start anew. convincing the head of the department that i was serious about his program. if i don't go now, i might as well never try his program again. i'm not sure if i should do that. better to try it at least, then see what happens.

but i wonder more and more about it. if i shouldn't have let my conflicts with child psychology's tendencies to pigeonhole children get the best of me.

i just don't know. i do know that i can't apply to anything right now, because it's not the right time of year. so i should just try out this thing i've decided for fall, right? right??

~ * ~

on a (slightly) lighter note, i dreamed an entirely original episode of "The West Wing" last night. does anyone watch that show? it's awesome. the character development is just wonderful, and the way the characters talk to each other really makes the show. anyway, tobey met a woman at some summit-type dealy. i think she was originally supposed to be from some small, amazingly poor town in a former USSR country, but by the end of the dream she & her family was chinese. anyway, though chit chat with this woman, tobey came to the realization that this woman was going to sell her child when she got back to her homeland because she couldn't afford to support her any longer. tobey got back to the office and talked with sam seaborne about this. sam interrupted and said not to worry, that the woman was still in town and was on a new boat sailing elsewhere. for some reason, it upset tobey that she was still in town. for some reason he thought if she had already left, she wouldn't sell her child, but if she was still here and leaving later, it would be sure to happen. so tobey and sam and cj raced down to the docks and boarded the ship. it was a big boat. cj got the idea to check the records that each passenger had stowed. the records looked oddly like the children's books with little bookmarks in them that all the kids in my volunteer reading program were reading. cj was frantically looking through the stack to find the woman.

through a flashback, i saw that the woman had filed in her book that she did not intend to sell her child. in fact, her child had been taken away and put in a state orphanage. she felt like a bad mother for this, so she let sam put her on a ship to a new country to start anew, but put her last $90 in the book so that her ex-husband would get the money and buy back their daughter and raise her himself.

but before any of the West Wing characters could do anything about this new information, the ex-husband showed up with the girl and met up with his ex-wife. he had already bought back their child. and he didn't think his ex was a bad person. she was so happy to see her baby girl, she wept. the 3 of them decided to be a family again. and everyone lived happily ever after.

~ * ~

entertainment: ghostbusters was on cable this weekend. watched the first hour or so. wow, was that a flashback! not sure why i watched it. maybe just to remember that excited feeling when i was a kid and it came out. one of the first tapes i ever owned was the ghostbuster's soundtrack. there are 1 or 2 gems on that that i will readily admit to still liking.

it is official: i like the power puff girls. *sigh* actually, i've only ever seen 1 episode, and not all the way through, but we've been watching alot of cartoon network lately and everytime a PPG video/commercial comes on, i make him wait until it's over before flipping the channel. maybe i just like the song? dunno.

cartoon network: yay! hubby has now downloaded every Justice League episode from Kazaa - much better than the Super Friends! there was an awesome episode where the JL is warped to another world being policed by comic book heroes (very punny episode): a bus full of nuns is about to get struck by a truck or soemthing out of control filled with dynamite; i utter, "you have *got* to be kidding" at the same time the Flash does; we found that very amusing! i somehow missed the episode where the Green Lantern cautions the Flash: "don't heckle the super villain." i laugh just when my husband utters it!

Reign of Fire: saw the dragon movie. it was as expected: bad, with cool dragon effects. annoyingly, matthew mc-however-you-spell-his-name looked like the original Wild Man from The North. gross. except when he stripped down to give a pounding to Christian Bale's character. then it was YUMMIE.

Red Dragon: also saw the preview of this on the big screen for the first time: Ralph Fiennes as a body-building serial killer. will have to somehow put down my libido to deal with this movie when it comes out. oh, Ralph, how could you???

~ * ~

have i bitched about my computer since my come back? fucking fuckity fuck-fuck fuckwit computer!!!!!! argh! dropping internet connections for no good reason. slowing down to a crawl for no reason as well. not the connection: the computer itself. type a word and it takes 10-20 seconds for the letters to appear, depending on length of the word. EVIL. finally re-installed my system software. but since i had an outdated manual from my iMac that i was using to instruct me on how to reload software on my G4, i was mighty confused when it was done with and i couldn't find all my old crap. the pisser was i copied EVERYTHING over to my portable drive. and the system reload did not give me the drivers to the portable drive. the disk that came with the portable drive was missing. talk about out of the frying pan into the fire! finally found the damn disk, got it working, transferred a bunch of stuff back to the computer, and THEN found the fucking folder labelled "original items" on my new system. fuckity-fuck-fuck FUCKER. grrrrrrrr.

new system isn't perfect yet, but i haven't experienced the old problems yet, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed. however, unsure why the fucking thing won't remember what background i was using each time i restart my machine. fucker.

~ * ~

my husband dropped by the office for no reason Friday afternoon, other than to give me a rose. wow. i haven't gotten a flower from him in about a year, i think. i was so happy! we had sex that night. no, not coz o' the flower. i just remembered, that's all. hot, wild, monkey sex. ok, maybe not wild. and i don't recall any monkeys. but it was pretty hot. in all senses of the word. it was quite a warm weekend.

my husband is good with his tongue.

and his fingers.

yep.

he seems to think i'm good with my mouth.

i don't disagree.

i do have an oral fixation, y'know. the only time he lets me bite him is during sex. and i do. just never as hard as i do when i'm just playing and he yells (not really) at me. odd.

sunday afternoon, we came home from a quest for food, and the fucking cat was eating the baby's breath that came with my rose. i screamed at him ever time i saw him for the next hour. easy to do when i looked at my flower, and could see the cat saliva coating the little baby flowers. ewwwwwwww. however, hard to do when he looks so pathetic as he makes himself as small as possible and looks at you with those, "please don't kill me" eyes. all these years, and he still doesn't know how to take criticism or discipline. and he still doesn't fully trust us. which only makes me feel more guilty when i try to discipline him. i finally learned to stop swatting him because of it. point for me. hopefully that bodes well for whenever the hell we start a family.

speaking of familys, there were some interesting moments at the class reunion i forgot to mention. like JP bringing up that her & SL have talked about starting a family, then she turned and asked about us. and we were so quiet that she immediately took it back. humbug. then there was the part where we were sitting with JP & the chick that i said was so beautiful now, so adult and glowing and happy. JP & her were talking about JP's ex, and JP brought up that she'd had an abortion, and what her life would have been like if she hadn't. i think my eyes might have bugged out of my head, i'm not sure.

this weekend i asked hubby about it, if JP just brings this up with everyone or something. he said no, but the girl we were talking to had a secret abortion their senior year in high school. i'm like: you're kidding. you've got to be kidding. how come *JP* of all people knew? JP tutored her at the time. weird. then he mentioned something i did remember. that one day he & JP were walking out to the parking lot after school, and there were GRAPHIC anti-abortion leaflets all over this girl's car. she had made the mistake of telling some of her friends that she shouldn't have. JP & Sweetie cleaned up her car and never told her. he must have mentioned this to me and not said who's car it was, because I remember quite vividly him telling me about them doing that. poor girl, to have such horrible friends. Sweetie said it was odd, because he did this big favor for someone who'll never know about it.

i guess i should stop typing during work hours and go eat lunch, huh? eep.

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