Holy shit! Before I sign off, I really must relate this disturbing dream I had last night. It was not horribly disturbing as it went along, although I was scared alot, but after waking up and analyzing where the ideas & imagery came from, it's only too obvious that it's because of the news lately.

To sum up, at the yearly Thanksgiving party, my brother revealed that he had made a homeade stick of dynamite. But whatever you put in the dynamite to make it go boom, he had not yet aquired. This disturbed me, but I didn't know what to do about it. Many months later, I go to this house where my brother & sister are staying with these 2 other people, and first up I was hit on by the slimey guy there, to the point that I thought he was going to rape me right there in the living room in front of everyone. Then it was revealed that the 4 of them had made a bunch of sticks of dynamite, and had the "stuff that goes boom" finally, only they hadn't inserted the nitro glycerin or whatever yet. Except in one stick. So they had like 20 useless sticks, a whole stockpile of nitro waiting for a purpose, and one stick of ready-to-go-boom dynamite.

I totally freaked. I called the man evil names. Then I realized I had done what I tell the people in the movies never to do: reveal your true feelings & intent to the badguys. I quickly shut up & left with my mother, simply feigning disgust that they were messing with dangerous items, and not fear that they would do anything with them. As soon as we were in the car, I told her to drive to the police station ASAP. That's where I told them about all of it. I felt really guilty that I had known something was up at Thanksgiving and now it was spring, but they didn't care. They went over and safely arrested everyone. After a few dream moments of me being totally freaked that they would all get shot up and kill a few cops with their one stick of dynamite.

Later, I was assuring mom that it would be ok, because my brother & sister deserved to go to jail for what they'd done, but they only got 5 year terms, so they would be ok. And the most important thing was that we had taken my baby brother out of their with us, who was about 10 in this dream, so he didn't get hurt in the crossfire, and no one had any reason to take him away from my mother.

The end.

See, isn't that creepy? Stupid fucking mailbox bomber. I haven't even been following the case! I just hear the headlines every day! I didn't even know that anyone had been hurt until this morning - I thought that maybe they'd all been cherry bombs going off in the middle of the night harmlessly, just to freak out people. You know, teenage pranksters? I knew people who did that once in high school. They weren't trying to hurt anybody or take down the government. They just wanted to get another boy in trouble with his parents as a joke. Who knows what the hell this guy is up to. I hear he's in college and "mellow". Maybe he's just a psycho without an agenda? Let's all hope so. I'm getting so tired of the news...

Like this morning. The Feds busted a ring of people taking ESL tests to get other people passing grades so they could pass the requirements for citizenship. And the spokesman for the Feds said that no law-abiding person would do something like that, and that obviously there was a nefarious plot behind it. And, oh yah, the people involved were of arabic descent. Um, guys, people have been coming to this country illegally for the past century! And it's not to blow up buildings! It's to get a fucking job & healthcare for their children!!! And old people have a hard time learning new languages!!! I can completely understand someone bringing their parents or grandparents over from a foreign country, and they don't speak English, they're maybe so old that they're not even all there mentally anymore so the idea of them learning a new language is right out, but the only way they can stay safely in America is to pass that ESL class. The son/daughter loves gramma and can afford to feed & house her. Is it really any wonder that he/she would be willing to pay someone to take the ESL test for gramma so that she can stay here?

I know that there are alot of people who don't like the idea of illegal immigrants. And that's your personal opinion. But we don't need to start deciding to label them all as "evil overthrowers of the government" simply because they're having a hard time learning the language.

Jumping back to epiphanies, I had one about a month or so that I never wrote down, and now it's gone. *sigh* FYI, I love the word epiphany. Someone once mentioned in their diary that they hate that word, but didn't say why. It's odd for me to like it, because of its religious conotations, but it just flows off the tongue. It's a nice word, and useful for the way my mind works - insights into my beliefs just pop into my head sometimes.

So, the epiphany was about my relationship with my husband, and why I will never cheat on him again, in real life or cyber. Because what happened between me & R. very much disturbs me, because I felt very much in love with my husband just a month before I met R. The very day I met R. So I've been trying to figure out what happened ever since. And the other day something clicked in my head, some sense that I'd figured it out, and now I knew that could never happen again. Only, I can't remember what it was. *sigh*

I remember a little bit about the thinking though. Because there are a bunch of reasons why R. was attractive to me. Because of my problems with reality & dealing with it. Because of my past & my inability to properly share it with anyone, and my belief that I could finally share it with him the way I had never shared it with anyone before. My belief in magic, etc.

And it has nothing to do with not believing in magic anymore. Because I do. I now believe that my husband is my soulmate. That fate did have a hand in putting us together, and it's there trying to keep us together. And that what happened with R. isn't evidence that fate messed up, it's evidence that my brain is messed up.

So the closest I can come to recreating that epiphany is this: I need to be rescued. I had a shitty, sometimes terrifying childhood. I spent my pre-teen years fantasizing about men to rescue me, and feeling that once I had a boyfriend, everything would be right with the world. But when my first boyfriend left me, that vision was skewed. But when I met my husband, everything was there. Everything was right. It was magic. And I kind of forgot that. I kind of reverted to my belief that I needed to be rescued again, probably because of my depression. I had a perfect life, or as perfect as they come, and I just didn't believe in that, despite wanting to. And R. comes along with his promises of impending magic, and WHAM!, I'm head over heals.

So maybe, if I can just remember that life is magical, and I'm currently living a charmed life, it won't happen again? I don't know. That just doesn't quite sound as assuring as my epiphany was. Because I'll always be battling depression. Always have problems dealing with reality and wanting to hide from it. And everyone has a tendency to take for granted the things that make their life perfect, like their mates.

So I need to stop calling him perfect. Because he's not. He's just perfect for me. He's not everything I wanted. But he's so much MORE than those things I thought I wanted. So much more than I thought I needed. He fulfills my every need. He helps convince me that some of the things I think want, aren't really necessary to life. And when he can't convince me, he spoils me and gives it to me anyway. How great is that? So, yes, he is perfect. Perfect for me. And he's been right by my side all this time. Life really is magical.

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